BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

If someone goes to a hotel, it should be the young adults (cousin and fiancee). It would be a really nice gesture to pay for their hotel accommodations. They might appreciate the extra privacy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer Brother in law hotel room. Bunk his kids with your kids for a sleep over a night or two as desired. If the hotel is just 5 minutes away, they can still really spend the whole day with you.

This

[Anonymous]

I think another issue is that the grandparents wake up super early. OP mentioned it a few times. I really think it's rude for guests to wake up super early because they wake the rest of the house and they make you feel guilty for not entertaining them and making breakfast at 6am. I think people who wake early should just stay in bed reading or on their iphones until 8am.

I vote grandparents in the hotel

[Anonymous]

I'm glad OP has found a good solution with asking the cousin and fiancee to stay at the hotel.

I'm not an IL defender by any stretch; side-eye my own and others frequently. But in this case I can empathize with them. From their perspective, it's more like being cast out to make room for the younger folks, which could be a growing fear of theirs as they age. Even though OP's original proposal sounded reasonable to her from a logistical and utilitarian perspective, it would be perceived entirely differently by the ILs. Just my 2 cents lest OP or anyone else think the ILs are being difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad OP has found a good solution with asking the cousin and fiancee to stay at the hotel.

I'm not an IL defender by any stretch; side-eye my own and others frequently. But in this case I can empathize with them. From their perspective, it's more like being cast out to make room for the younger folks, which could be a growing fear of theirs as they age. Even though OP's original proposal sounded reasonable to her from a logistical and utilitarian perspective, it would be perceived entirely differently by the ILs. Just my 2 cents lest OP or anyone else think the ILs are being difficult.

I totally get what you are saying, but I think if ILs want to always stay in the “main” house, they need to make sure their early risings are not disruptive. I also think they could stand to gain some perspective that maybe adults who don’t like to go to bed early would want to enjoy some rare kid-free time with peer siblings and cousins they don’t often get to see. My parents not only get that my siblings and cousin and I like to hang out and play cards and spend quality time together as a peer group, they encourage it. My ILs—and some of my aunts and uncles—feel jealous and left out. So just as OP and others who see her point of view could use some perspective, so could ILs and those who think like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer Brother in law hotel room. Bunk his kids with your kids for a sleep over a night or two as desired. If the hotel is just 5 minutes away, they can still really spend the whole day with you.

No, as a separated parent who is already losing time with my kids, the last thing I'd want would be to be separated from them on vacation.

Plus, in many divorce agreements this would trigger right of first refusal, which would let the ex cancel the trip altogether.

This is by far the worst suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

[Anonymous]

ILs sound annoying. You think they’d be the ones to have the idea of making room for their son and grandkids. Where do they think your BIL should sleep? The couch? Or do you have a way to let him squeeze onto an air mattress in your home office, while the kids all bunk together? If you have any room where BIL can close the door and sleep with privacy, then squeeze everybody in. It’s only for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

Oh God. Found the Crammer. No, just no. No one who spent thousands to fly with kids from California will be “thrown on the couch” on my watch. I’m a good host, so every adult will have a proper bed. Kids will have, at worst, a Fouton or air mattress. We’re not cheap, so we’d pay for either the ILs or the cousin and his fiancee to sleep in a hotel. Are you allergic to hotels, or spending money to give your guests a basic level of comfort?

Yeah, BIL should not be tossed on a couch. Wth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

You are reading way too into this. Are you on the older side and having a hard time letting go?
OP seems nice enough to want to solve this without major drama. I am sure she pitched it as a good thing and the ILs are being selfish and not caring about anyone else in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

DH is going along with both scenarios. The fact that they are welcoming seven relatives into their home to make them a Thanksgiving meal and a multi-day visit shows that you have no leg to stand on. The fact that they were willing to visit for multiple days with them for Fourth of July proves the same. You tried it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

You are reading way too into this. Are you on the older side and having a hard time letting go?
OP seems nice enough to want to solve this without major drama. I am sure she pitched it as a good thing and the ILs are being selfish and not caring about anyone else in this situation.

Maybe i am? I am 40 with young kids. I chose my battles carefully with in laws, i save my ammunition for the really important stuff.