BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

Let them all stay, but sabotage all but one of your toilets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

If the hotel is 5 minutes away, you can call an Uber or someone can stay sober enough to drive them home after games. This is really the most rational strategy. Your ILs will feel insulted being sent to a hotel, especially bc the underlying reason is actually "they are lowest on the priority list of people we're excited to spend time with," while the younger couple would almost certainly consider it a treat. You just have to explain it as "its a favor to us so the house will be less crowded" so they don't feel obligated to pay.

It's OP's house though. Just because you think it's a crummy reason doesn't mean it's not a valid one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a Thanksgiving one year that had a lot of last minute guests from out of town, it reminded me of "Christmas Vacation". A total of 10 adults and 8 kids, definitely crazy but the most memorable Thanksgiving ever. We gave our master bedroom to ILs, aunt/uncle got DS room and the couple with a baby got DD room. The rest of the kids (ages5-15) and the adults "camped out" in the living room. We took turns using the bathrooms to shower and dress and stayed up late chatting and watching movies. Overall a great opportunity to bond with family and a Thanksgiving that we all remember fondly

I’m very glad you remember it fondly, but that sounds like total hell. I can remember scenarios kind of like this growing up, and parts of it were fun, but mostly it was horrible for a little introvert like me. I couldn’t sleep. I just remember lying awake marveling at the fact that anyone could sleep like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

PP - oh, I get it, I would be rolling my eyes so hard at the ILs. But I'm not sure how far my husband would be willing to fight for this. I feel like any IL that is unreasonable enough to not get the "why" behind the ask will be annoying AF about this.

You could always have the late-night bonding and just Uber the cousin and his fiancee back to the hotel if there are adult beverages involved. The fiancee might also appreciate some alone time with cousin, as much as I bet they love your family (you seem thoughtful and respectful and like to do fun things), I bet they would love the opportunity to have their coffee and shower in peace every morning before re-entering the fray.

You’re right. We’ll try this. I’m a little afraid they won’t let us pay for the hotel room, but I hope they do, because I well-remember those lean grad school years! Thanks everyone for the advice. -OP

[Anonymous]

How big is your house? What arrangements can be made? Normally I would say stay your ground, but am sympathetic to ILs in this case. They get little time with all grandkids, and kids grow up fast. I would suck it up for 4 days.

[Anonymous]

Cousin and fiancée go to hotel. Why would childless people want to be in the middle of all this? Grandparents want to see the cousins all together. Ask the fiancée. I bet she would agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

PP - oh, I get it, I would be rolling my eyes so hard at the ILs. But I'm not sure how far my husband would be willing to fight for this. I feel like any IL that is unreasonable enough to not get the "why" behind the ask will be annoying AF about this.

You could always have the late-night bonding and just Uber the cousin and his fiancee back to the hotel if there are adult beverages involved. The fiancee might also appreciate some alone time with cousin, as much as I bet they love your family (you seem thoughtful and respectful and like to do fun things), I bet they would love the opportunity to have their coffee and shower in peace every morning before re-entering the fray.

You’re right. We’ll try this. I’m a little afraid they won’t let us pay for the hotel room, but I hope they do, because I well-remember those lean grad school years! Thanks everyone for the advice. -OP

Can you fib and tell them you got the room free on points?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

What would you do?

What would i do? I’d let my DH figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

What would you do?

What would i do? I’d let my DH figure it out.

This pat little answer only works with the proviso: DH’s “solution” cannot be capitulating to MIL and FIL and cramming SEVEN guests into OP’s household, in addition to however many people are in OP’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cousin and fiancée go to hotel. Why would childless people want to be in the middle of all this? Grandparents want to see the cousins all together. Ask the fiancée. I bet she would agree.

+1 They are a young childless couple; they would probably love the hotel. Since the hotel is close, they can still stay for an evening of playing games and hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

Or tell them you booked it as soon as you found out BIL and kids were coming, knowing you didn't have enough room for everyone.

PP - oh, I get it, I would be rolling my eyes so hard at the ILs. But I'm not sure how far my husband would be willing to fight for this. I feel like any IL that is unreasonable enough to not get the "why" behind the ask will be annoying AF about this.

You could always have the late-night bonding and just Uber the cousin and his fiancee back to the hotel if there are adult beverages involved. The fiancee might also appreciate some alone time with cousin, as much as I bet they love your family (you seem thoughtful and respectful and like to do fun things), I bet they would love the opportunity to have their coffee and shower in peace every morning before re-entering the fray.

You’re right. We’ll try this. I’m a little afraid they won’t let us pay for the hotel room, but I hope they do, because I well-remember those lean grad school years! Thanks everyone for the advice. -OP

Can you fib and tell them you got the room free on points?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

What would you do?

What would i do? I’d let my DH figure it out.

This pat little answer only works with the proviso: DH’s “solution” cannot be capitulating to MIL and FIL and cramming SEVEN guests into OP’s household, in addition to however many people are in OP’s family.

If DH pulls that, OP goes off to the hotel solo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

PP - oh, I get it, I would be rolling my eyes so hard at the ILs. But I'm not sure how far my husband would be willing to fight for this. I feel like any IL that is unreasonable enough to not get the "why" behind the ask will be annoying AF about this.

You could always have the late-night bonding and just Uber the cousin and his fiancee back to the hotel if there are adult beverages involved. The fiancee might also appreciate some alone time with cousin, as much as I bet they love your family (you seem thoughtful and respectful and like to do fun things), I bet they would love the opportunity to have their coffee and shower in peace every morning before re-entering the fray.

You’re right. We’ll try this. I’m a little afraid they won’t let us pay for the hotel room, but I hope they do, because I well-remember those lean grad school years! Thanks everyone for the advice. -OP

Book it for them on your CC. Insist on paying, say you have tons of points if you need to. If they are as strapped for cash as you think, it won’t take much push back on your part for them to agree.

It definitely makes the most sense all around - they can still stay over super late for games and hanging out, then you order an Uber to the hotel and then they can have some alone time and wake up without a bunch of kids all over and you can pick them up.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure the young couple would much prefer the privacy and relative quiet of a hotel and would book it themselves if they could afford it. Tell them you had points about to expire if you're afraid they won't feel comfortable with you paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

What would you do?

What would i do? I’d let my DH figure it out.

This pat little answer only works with the proviso: DH’s “solution” cannot be capitulating to MIL and FIL and cramming SEVEN guests into OP’s household, in addition to however many people are in OP’s family.

And you just know it would be, because that’s the path of least resistance for him.