BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

This is one of my main take aways from watching my inlaws work. They never "allow" my Dh and his sister to just spend time the 2 of them, and it's hindered their relationship in some major ways. If my DH and his sister makes plans, his parents MUST be invited 100% of the time. If they aren't invited and they hear about it, they'll just show up or assume they can come. It's annoying because it changes the dynamic. And of course they will be the first to complain if we aren't doing something they want to do or eating the food they way they want to etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, [b]and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

Why? Let the young couple have have sex in peace.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

So what I'd do is ask the cousin/fiancée to stay in the hotel and pay for it if you can. Then, don't cater to the grandparents AT ALL. Make noise after they go to bed, ask them to be quiet in the morning etc. Have them share the bathroom with all the children. They might decide in their own that your house isn't all that comfy .

[Anonymous]

Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

This is one of my main take aways from watching my inlaws work. They never "allow" my Dh and his sister to just spend time the 2 of them, and it's hindered their relationship in some major ways. If my DH and his sister makes plans, his parents MUST be invited 100% of the time. If they aren't invited and they hear about it, they'll just show up or assume they can come. It's annoying because it changes the dynamic. And of course they will be the first to complain if we aren't doing something they want to do or eating the food they way they want to etc.

My parents sometimes try this with my siblings and I but we just say we want a special sibling outing and we just…do what we want to do. There is no “must,” surely you can see that. If your husband and his sister are mealy-mouthed ninnies who can’t deal with occasionally disappointing Mommy and Daddy, that’s on them. Once my parents saw that their guilt trips and passive aggressive hinting weren’t getting them anywhere, they stopped.

Also, people can only find out about plans if someone tells them, or feels the need to crow on social media (and even with social media, you can simply adjust your privacy settings). Do you get it?

Your husband and his sister need to grow up. Maybe then they can hang out like real adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

[Anonymous]

How big is your house?

Obvious answer is to send cousin to a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

Oh God. Found the Crammer. No, just no. No one who spent thousands to fly with kids from California will be “thrown on the couch” on my watch. I’m a good host, so every adult will have a proper bed. Kids will have, at worst, a Fouton or air mattress. We’re not cheap, so we’d pay for either the ILs or the cousin and his fiancee to sleep in a hotel. Are you allergic to hotels, or spending money to give your guests a basic level of comfort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

This is one of my main take aways from watching my inlaws work. They never "allow" my Dh and his sister to just spend time the 2 of them, and it's hindered their relationship in some major ways. If my DH and his sister makes plans, his parents MUST be invited 100% of the time. If they aren't invited and they hear about it, they'll just show up or assume they can come. It's annoying because it changes the dynamic. And of course they will be the first to complain if we aren't doing something they want to do or eating the food they way they want to etc.

On the flip side, I have a sister who won't let me and my family spend time with our parents without her and her kid. My parents and sister live in the same city (5 minute drive from each other) and see each other all the time; my family is a plane ride away. I love my sister and my nephew and of course want to spend time with them when we visit, but it would also be nice to have some one-on-one time with my parents (and for my DD to have her grandparents to herself sometimes) but it literally never happens.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell cousin that you paid for the hotel for your in laws but they are feeling hurt, and would the cousin consider doing you a favor and staying in the already paid for hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

BIL is an adult guest. He deserves a bed as much as any other adult guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

BIL is no less of an adult because he is single, and no adult should be thrown a couch. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

Oh God. Found the Crammer. No, just no. No one who spent thousands to fly with kids from California will be “thrown on the couch” on my watch. I’m a good host, so every adult will have a proper bed. Kids will have, at worst, a Fouton or air mattress. We’re not cheap, so we’d pay for either the ILs or the cousin and his fiancee to sleep in a hotel. Are you allergic to hotels, or spending money to give your guests a basic level of comfort?

And have all those people sharing, what, 2 bathrooms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

This is one of my main take aways from watching my inlaws work. They never "allow" my Dh and his sister to just spend time the 2 of them, and it's hindered their relationship in some major ways. If my DH and his sister makes plans, his parents MUST be invited 100% of the time. If they aren't invited and they hear about it, they'll just show up or assume they can come. It's annoying because it changes the dynamic. And of course they will be the first to complain if we aren't doing something they want to do or eating the food they way they want to etc.

On the flip side, I have a sister who won't let me and my family spend time with our parents without her and her kid. My parents and sister live in the same city (5 minute drive from each other) and see each other all the time; my family is a plane ride away. I love my sister and my nephew and of course want to spend time with them when we visit, but it would also be nice to have some one-on-one time with my parents (and for my DD to have her grandparents to herself sometimes) but it literally never happens.

My SIL is the same way. She is single (late 30s) and I think she is just super lonely. Obviously not the case for your sister, but it definitely is happening over here as well!