BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

DH’s brother is going through a divorce. He lives in the Bay Area and has two kids, 7 and 5. While I’m sad for the divorce, BIL has been flying with the kids to see family a little more often, and it’s been great to see him and the kids, and get some rare cousin time! We just saw them for Fourth of July at ILs house in Pennsylvania. My family of four stayed in a hotel for three nights to give everyone a little more room.

ILs and DH’s cousin and cousin’s fiancée are set to visit us for Thanksgiving; sometimes we host, sometimes ILs host, and we do Thanksgiving or Christmas with them in a rotation with my family. So this year is ILs turn for Thanksgiving, and our house was set as the locale a while ago. Now, BIL wants to fly with the kids to join us for Thanksgiving, which is great!

What’s not great is, while our house can comfortably host MIL/FIL and cousin/fiancée, it really doesn’t have room for BIL and the kids also. Because my kids frequently see grandparents but rarely see their cousins, DH and I think it makes the most sense for BIL/kids to stay with us, and cousin/fiancée as well, as cousin/fiancée are at a very early stage in their career and grad school, and don’t have a lot of extra money. We even offered to pay for a hotel room for MIL/FIL, and the hotel in question is literally 5 minutes away from our house, very close to the grocery store where we shop. MIL/FIL are able-bodied, drive all the time, know this shopping center well, and (if needed) we could even just pick them up and get them every day.

Well, MIL and FIL are balking. They want everyone to cram in together. I don’t want to ask BIL to stay in a hotel after spending thousands to fly across the country, and my kids want extra cousin time. The easiest and most sensible scenario is MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel. They are causing such a stink about it, DH said he is tempted to say OK then, *you* host Thanksgiving and we will stay in a hotel again near your house. (BIL and cousins are flying into ILs airport anyway, to stay with them for an extra two nights before coming down to our place. Right now, BIL’s tickets are all in and out of PA, but he said he could easily change the return to fly out of BWI.)

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

[Anonymous]

I’d be fine with either standing my ground on the hotel for ILs or having them host while staying at a hotel, leaning more towards having them host since I personally don’t like hosting. What I wouldn’t do is cram everyone into my house.

[Anonymous]

Offer Brother in law hotel room. Bunk his kids with your kids for a sleep over a night or two as desired. If the hotel is just 5 minutes away, they can still really spend the whole day with you.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the suggestion of offering the paid-for hotel room to the young, child free couple instead of the ILs. I’m sure they love you all, but would appreciate the extra privacy and a break from a house full of small kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

This! It would be a nice getaway for the young couple to escape to hotel to be away from cousins. Do you have a car they can borrow to drive back and forth?

You can position this as a way for them to get a break from younger cousins.

[Anonymous]

If you're willing to pay for the hotel, couldn't you offer to pay for cousin/fiancee to stay at the hotel? As young grad students, they might welcome the treat/slight distance from the kid/grandparent chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may just need to suck it up and squeeze together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

I am confused why cousin and fiancée can’t come over for dinner and stay for settlers of Catan?

[Anonymous]

If the hotel is so close, why can't your husband hang out with his cousin and fiancee after the kids go to bed?

[Anonymous]

We had a Thanksgiving one year that had a lot of last minute guests from out of town, it reminded me of "Christmas Vacation". A total of 10 adults and 8 kids, definitely crazy but the most memorable Thanksgiving ever. We gave our master bedroom to ILs, aunt/uncle got DS room and the couple with a baby got DD room. The rest of the kids (ages5-15) and the adults "camped out" in the living room. We took turns using the bathrooms to shower and dress and stayed up late chatting and watching movies. Overall a great opportunity to bond with family and a Thanksgiving that we all remember fondly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

PP - oh, I get it, I would be rolling my eyes so hard at the ILs. But I'm not sure how far my husband would be willing to fight for this. I feel like any IL that is unreasonable enough to not get the "why" behind the ask will be annoying AF about this.

You could always have the late-night bonding and just Uber the cousin and his fiancee back to the hotel if there are adult beverages involved. The fiancee might also appreciate some alone time with cousin, as much as I bet they love your family (you seem thoughtful and respectful and like to do fun things), I bet they would love the opportunity to have their coffee and shower in peace every morning before re-entering the fray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

If the hotel is 5 minutes away, you can call an Uber or someone can stay sober enough to drive them home after games. This is really the most rational strategy. Your ILs will feel insulted being sent to a hotel, especially bc the underlying reason is actually "they are lowest on the priority list of people we're excited to spend time with," while the younger couple would almost certainly consider it a treat. You just have to explain it as "its a favor to us so the house will be less crowded" so they don't feel obligated to pay.

[Anonymous]

Your ILs don't get to make the decisions here about your house. DH needs to put his foot down now about the bossy entitlement of his parents. Shut that crap down now. They wouldn't be stepping foot in my house if they acted like that. Tell your DH to grow a set and tell his parents No.