Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.

They have been together FIVE YEARS. Even if they were dating in college, he should be talking engagement (even with a far off wedding date) or maybe buying a house together and planning a future life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

OK let's roll with that. When is OP going to tell us if she even cared enough about her son's future and that of his gf to discuss their sexual compatibility or lack of it, as a possible reasons for his hesitance to propose? What if the real reason is sexual incompatibility?

Do they not have sex in Europe or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

I grew up in one of those European cultures. You know nothing about us. I have never had an assorted group of relatives talking to me about who I should marry. What kind of third-world shit is this?

I am the poster whom you have quoted. I myself come from Europe, with a cultural background in four European countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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But it's very clear he could have done much better in the MOM department.

Different poster here. PP, shame on you. How dare you insult this concerned mother. As a mother myself, I can totally relate to her worries. I would want what is best for my child, too. And she is not being nosy or interfering, merely seeking the advice of a (supposedly well-educated) group of people.

OP, don't mind such rude posters.

Can you not see how badly OP has been insulting her own son for this entire thread? She is telling all the world (at least the internet world) that she doesn't think her son is man enough to make his own important life decisions, specifically, who to get married to and when he should get married to her. She is further insulting him by making the completely ridiculous
"prediction" that if he loses his current gf he will "never do better." Are you kidding me? You don't think that's insulting?

I am the poster to whom you are replying. No, I don't think at all that OP has insulted her son. An insult is addressed to the person directly, just like many of you here are addressing your insults at the mother. She merely expressed her opinion and her concerns about her son anonimously to an unknown group of people. And she would be entitled to express those same concerns directly to her son, without it coming across as an insult. Get over yourself.

No that's exactly the point. OP is not "entitled" to "express those same concerns directly to her son." The fact that she feels "entitled" to do so is proof that she is a malignant narcissist.

PP here. Yes, the mother is entitled to discuss such important topics with her son. Our job as parent is not merely to feed and house the kid until he is out of the house, but also to guide him through life to the best of our abilities. Nobody cares more about his well-being than the parent. He must understand that the mother expressing these concerns is meant out of kindness and love.

She is certainly entitled to ask her son about how the relationship is going and what his future intentions might be. She is certainly not at all entitled to impose her preferences as to his choice of partner, timing of a proposal if any is forthcoming, nor is she entitled to predict a hopeless romantic future for her son should he decline to adhere to her dictates about his personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.

They have been together FIVE YEARS. Even if they were dating in college, he should be talking engagement (even with a far off wedding date) or maybe buying a house together and planning a future life together.

Not necessarily, given the FIVE YEARS started before they were old enough to drink. I wasn't ready to buy a house at 25. And one of OP's complaints is that he's not "factoring her in his decisions to move to a new city" - whatever that means it doesn't sound like it's a good time to buy a home if he doesn't know where he's going to live.

Five years in your 30s is too long to date without a direction, sure. But your twenties are a great time to be paired up and just having fun, if you've found someone you love. Or to be single and not on the hunt for a spouse. They're 25!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

NP here. The advice "wait until you're ready" is a truism that may make sense for most things in life. But once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, you have to make yourself ready. If you don't, that window might pass and you will regret it your entire life. I think that's what OP is getting at. OP's DS may not be ready, but he will regret it for the rest of his life (assuming OP is Nostradamus)

He obviously doesn't have to marry at 20 but also losing a gem because there'll be many more or one must play the field before committing are the reason most young people don't have anyone worthy when they are ready so they end up settling due to loneliness and eventually divorce or live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.

They have been together FIVE YEARS. Even if they were dating in college, he should be talking engagement (even with a far off wedding date) or maybe buying a house together and planning a future life together.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Sorry didn't see mud 20's, thought he is 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 20s DS is going to lose his long-term girlfriend. He does not fully appreciate what a catch she is. I would never say this to him but since we're on an anonymous forum: He will never do better. Not a nice thing to say but it's true. She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook. I suppose disclosing all of this to an impartial audience will likely sway most of you to the girlfriend's side; as in, she ought to leave my immature son because she can do so much better! Totally understandable. But this is my son, so of course I'm biased and would like him to fully appreciate what he has with her until it is too late. Is there anything anyone can say to a young man his age or is this one of those things where he won't realize it until he's lost her and she's quickly swooped off her feet up by someone else?

He is not cheating on her, just flaky and failing to grow up. I know he loves her but he remains in that immature self-centered young man phase instead of planning milestones with her. She has confided to me that she is reaching a breaking point. I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life but I don't know how to get through to him.

He may end up with a gold digger whom he thinks he loves and she loves him or settle for someone he doesn't love or compatible with, at 36.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

You can't possibly know that. You need to stay out of this and let your son figure out who he wants to marry. Just because she's your ideal dil doesn't make her his ideal wife

Oh, bull. Adults can make this accurately make this assessment quite easily.

How TF would you, OP, or anyone else know if this is some kind of "ideal match" when OP--who has had extensive conversations over five years with the gf, and her own daughter who is good friends with the gf--how would you be able to say this, when OP has not once in this entire thread, opined on the issue of the sexual compatibility, or lack thereof, between her son and the gf?

Not even in general terms does OP mention this issue.

Why? Because she doesn't care if her son or his gf would be happy being married to each other.

I assure you--if they fully clicked in the bedroom, OP's son would not need to be "pushed" or "nagged" to getting married to his gf.

OP doesn't care about the sex part because sex is dirty and nasty, don't you understand? It's just something you do as minimally as possible until you actually get married. Then you can stop that disgusting stuff.

PP, please stop. Your inferences are not logical, and your nastiness is staggering. Most likely OP does not have sufficient knowledge about their sexual compatibility to opine on it.

You just proved the point then. If OP "does not have sufficient knowledge about their sexual compatibility to opine on it"--which WAS the point being made--why do you (or OP, or anyone?) believe OP has a sufficient basis to decide that this is the right woman for her son?

Oh right. You are one of those people who think a happy marriage doesn't require sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

NP here. The advice "wait until you're ready" is a truism that may make sense for most things in life. But once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, you have to make yourself ready. If you don't, that window might pass and you will regret it your entire life. I think that's what OP is getting at. OP's DS may not be ready, but he will regret it for the rest of his life (assuming OP is Nostradamus)

He obviously doesn't have to marry at 20 but also losing a gem because there'll be many more or one must play the field before committing are the reason most young people don't have anyone worthy when they are ready so they end up settling due to loneliness and eventually divorce or live with the consequences.

OK this is weird, we are obviously in the Temple of Doom and these are the priestesses of it, where is Indiana Jones when you need him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.

They have been together FIVE YEARS. Even if they were dating in college, he should be talking engagement (even with a far off wedding date) or maybe buying a house together and planning a future life together.

I disagree. Too young, for both of them. I actively discourage my kids from getting married before they are like 28+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kind of relationship with your son that you think you can discuss your concerns as his mom then do that. Once. Aside from that you’re going have to let him make his own mistakes. My son and his amazing girlfriend broke up and I was pretty sad because I really liked her- turns out she had some mental health issues and would threaten to kill herself when my son would try to break things off. I had no idea and no one would have been able to guess. So she may not be as perfect as she seems.

That's one of the possibility or not but what's the harm in OP discussing this topic once with her DS?

[Anonymous]

I think that if you have a good relationship, you can certainly have a conversation about it. I would try something along the lines of, "How are things going with Larla? Have the two of you talked about where your relationship is going?" And also something like, "Making a lifelong commitment can be scary and it's normal to have doubts or wonder if the grass might be greener somewhere else, but if you really love someone, it's worth it." Validate whatever he feels and be a trustworthy sounding board. If he asks you your opinion of Larla, give it honestly and share the positives of what you see they have together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

I grew up in one of those European cultures. You know nothing about us. I have never had an assorted group of relatives talking to me about who I should marry. What kind of third-world shit is this?

I am the poster whom you have quoted. I myself come from Europe, with a cultural background in four European countries.

No cultured European family would assemble and talk to anyone like that.