Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

Yup, my hot shot nephew, two engineering degrees and endless app hookups is turning 35 with not a girlfriend in sight. It's depressing. He would like to meet someone but reasonable prospects got their degrees, started their careers, and looked for someone to settle down with late 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

great reason to marry someone you're not actually that into!

Well, no but you need to br ready to settle for worse later.

You people are so weird. Marriage isn't an issue of checking off some number of boxes. It's finding someone you can actually build a life with - and who you want to build a life with. There is no "settle for worse" - there is not being ready to make the compromises that life with another person entails, and then being ready to make those compromises. Ask the spouses of the people who marry too soon how happy everything is - I am going to guess, not very happy.

Marry when you are ready to marry. Marry someone who you get along with, who you can build a life with. That would be my advice.

I've never heard any college-educated professional in real life say they regret marrying too soon. But I've heard many men and women express regret in waiting so long and what a waste those years were in retrospect. Prolonged adolescence is an epidemic among American men. Life is not a video game, you don't get to re-set and everything comes back. These men need to be nudged to grow up before they lose what they can't get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

great reason to marry someone you're not actually that into!

Well, no but you need to br ready to settle for worse later.

You people are so weird. Marriage isn't an issue of checking off some number of boxes. It's finding someone you can actually build a life with - and who you want to build a life with. There is no "settle for worse" - there is not being ready to make the compromises that life with another person entails, and then being ready to make those compromises. Ask the spouses of the people who marry too soon how happy everything is - I am going to guess, not very happy.

Marry when you are ready to marry. Marry someone who you get along with, who you can build a life with. That would be my advice.

I've never heard any college-educated professional in real life say they regret marrying too soon. But I've heard many men and women express regret in waiting so long and what a waste those years were in retrospect. Prolonged adolescence is an epidemic among American men. Life is not a video game, you don't get to re-set and everything comes back. These men need to be nudged to grow up before they lose what they can't get back.

I am the PP - and there are plenty of divorces among the people I know who married young. They get married again - later. And those second marriages look a lot happier.

I know some people who married young and are still happily married, lo these 30 years later. But those are people who are either very traditional and probably wouldn't divorce, or who were exceptionally mature (or exceptionally compatible) at that young age.

I guess we both have our biases. I have nothing against people marrying young if they want to do it - I just think it's absurd and harmful to cluck over people who aren't ready to settle down yet and tell them they'll never do better! It's a big world out there - with a lot of great people in it.

As for the PP whose nephew can't seem to find a girlfriend at 35 - he's either not telling you the truth, or isn't actually serious about finding a girlfriend. He's probably always looking out for someone who's a little better. Well, that'll get you a lifetime of being alone (but also probably plenty of random s** if that's what you want).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 20s DS is going to lose his long-term girlfriend. He does not fully appreciate what a catch she is. I would never say this to him but since we're on an anonymous forum: He will never do better. Not a nice thing to say but it's true. She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook. I suppose disclosing all of this to an impartial audience will likely sway most of you to the girlfriend's side; as in, she ought to leave my immature son because she can do so much better! Totally understandable. But this is my son, so of course I'm biased and would like him to fully appreciate what he has with her until it is too late. Is there anything anyone can say to a young man his age or is this one of those things where he won't realize it until he's lost her and she's quickly swooped off her feet up by someone else?

He is not cheating on her, just flaky and failing to grow up. I know he loves her but he remains in that immature self-centered young man phase instead of planning milestones with her. She has confided to me that she is reaching a breaking point. I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life but I don't know how to get through to him.

You can’t be subtle with young men. You have to say something like: “DS, i say this with love, you are a total dumb ass if you let this woman get away”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

Yup, my hot shot nephew, two engineering degrees and endless app hookups is turning 35 with not a girlfriend in sight. It's depressing. He would like to meet someone but reasonable prospects got their degrees, started their careers, and looked for someone to settle down with late 20s.

No he doesn't want to meet someone. He's perfectly happy with his bachelor life he tells you he's looking to get you to shut up about him settling down. Some people don't want to be married and we've got to accept that and stop badgering them about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

great reason to marry someone you're not actually that into!

Well, no but you need to br ready to settle for worse later.

You people are so weird. Marriage isn't an issue of checking off some number of boxes. It's finding someone you can actually build a life with - and who you want to build a life with. There is no "settle for worse" - there is not being ready to make the compromises that life with another person entails, and then being ready to make those compromises. Ask the spouses of the people who marry too soon how happy everything is - I am going to guess, not very happy.

Marry when you are ready to marry. Marry someone who you get along with, who you can build a life with. That would be my advice.

I've never heard any college-educated professional in real life say they regret marrying too soon. But I've heard many men and women express regret in waiting so long and what a waste those years were in retrospect. Prolonged adolescence is an epidemic among American men. Life is not a video game, you don't get to re-set and everything comes back. These men need to be nudged to grow up before they lose what they can't get back.

Hi. I married my first gf and she cheated on me and we divorced. Not sure I regret it, because I like my kid and my alimony.

[Anonymous]

A lot of check marks on paper or the idea a guy or a girl is a good catch doesn’t necessarily mean a comparable relationship. Maybe isn’t happy in the relationship or there are aspects to it that aren’t as healthy or as great for him despite her checklist of achievements and characteristics.

I think part of the problem with marriages ending is so many people marrying a checklist rather than a truly compatible partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I have to go to college, work, grad school, work and sow my wild oats before I start dating for marriage. Duh. 30 seems about right to start looking for the special girl. Or whomever I happen to be dating at that time.

Everyone thinks they can do better until they can't. They don't realize how quickly dating pool dries up and becomes leftovers.

Yup, my hot shot nephew, two engineering degrees and endless app hookups is turning 35 with not a girlfriend in sight. It's depressing. He would like to meet someone but reasonable prospects got their degrees, started their careers, and looked for someone to settle down with late 20s.

Not sure anyone described my DH as a “hotshot” but when I met him, he was 35 with two degrees and a rich dating history. 😆 I was 24 with two degrees. I like to think he was waiting for the right person. Maybe your nephew is, too.

[Anonymous]

He is still very young. If you have a decent relationship have a chat with him, ask him questions about where he is at and what he thinks about his relationship. If he seems clueless, I would gently let him know that his girlfriend expects increasing levels of commitment and there is a good chance she will leave him based on concerns she has relayed to you. I think he deserves to know that. Then it’s totally up to him to decide and you should be extremely impartial and not push him one way or another - no matter how amazing you think his girlfriend is. It’s his life and this is a huge, very individual decision.