Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is that unusual for a mid 20s young man to be not ready for marriage? 30 or 35 I would agree maybe he is acting immature but not at 25. And then you state he will never do better, wow don't have much faith in your son. Depending on your relationship with your son, you could tell him your feelings, how he might be blowing it, and maybe he will reveal his hesitation. Or you could simply stay out of it.

Milestones in life include taking a long-term girlfriend into consideration when exploring new career opportunities, regions you plan to move to, and yes, probably a proposal in the not too distant future. Building a life together. Few women are going to stick with a man from age 20 to 30 or 35 without a wedding. That is such a large chunk of life. If she was single she would be swooped up immediately. He doesn't realize what a rare catch she is.

[Anonymous]

She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook.

What you as a woman see as "a catch" isn't necessarily the same thing a man sees as a catch, OP. Most men do not want "ambitious" women with a "great career". What you see as "adorable" is through a female lens, OP. Not a male lens. They are two very different things.

The hard truth: a man will swim across an ocean for a woman he really loves. No holds barred, he goes all out.

Your son isn't truly in love with this girlfriend. And he is well within his rights to have his feelings on the subject. It's his life, not yours. His choice, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

WTF are you Tywin Lannister or something?

And you didn't answer the question about how active and satisfying your son's sex life is with his gf. Since the gf came to you.

Wouldn't that be a natural question for you to have asked her about, if you were actually concerned about your son's future and welfare?

You sound like an over the top controlling narcissist whose main concern is that her claws remain perpetually embedded in her poor son's spine.

Guess what? The more you push him, the more likely he will be to dump her.

So, sit down. STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Does he have a plan for a career? That’s most important at this age in terms of being ready for marriage. She sounds too smart/together to marry a man with poor prospects.

[Anonymous]

She's probably lazy in the sack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Does he have a plan for a career? That’s most important at this age in terms of being ready for marriage. She sounds too smart/together to marry a man with poor prospects.

I didn't want to sound like I was boasting but yes, he has a great career in tech. They met in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

Why do you think he'll never do better? If he can score one catch in his 20s, he can do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Oh, my. OP, men have a lot longer runway on marriage than women do. Yes, even in 2023. Your son can marry at 38, or 42, and marry a woman in her 20s. In fact, many men in their 20s are being urged to wait until their late 30s to settle down with a woman at least ten years younger. He can bide his time as long as he wants. Women don't enjoy the same timeline and feel pressure to seal the deal years before men do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

OP, in order for 1) your son to mature the way you claim you want him to and 2) he and his gf to have a happy successful marriage--it is obvious they will have to go No Contact with you since you don't seem to grasp that this all of this is THEIR business, not YOUR business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook.

What you as a woman see as "a catch" isn't necessarily the same thing a man sees as a catch, OP. Most men do not want "ambitious" women with a "great career". What you see as "adorable" is through a female lens, OP. Not a male lens. They are two very different things.

The hard truth: a man will swim across an ocean for a woman he really loves. No holds barred, he goes all out.

Your son isn't truly in love with this girlfriend. And he is well within his rights to have his feelings on the subject. It's his life, not yours. His choice, not yours.

Many young men are in love but don't realize what they had until they lose it and have to re-enter the dating pool and understand what they had. Then they try to circle back with the ex and she's moved on; another man has already put a ring on her finger and is building a life with her. The top country song right now is this very topic: "I Should Have Married You" by Old Dominion

Chorus:
If I hadn't been so young and stupid
Yeah, I let somebody beat me to it
Don't know what you got until you lose it
Guess I blew it, baby
I should have married you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook.

What you as a woman see as "a catch" isn't necessarily the same thing a man sees as a catch, OP. Most men do not want "ambitious" women with a "great career". What you see as "adorable" is through a female lens, OP. Not a male lens. They are two very different things.

The hard truth: a man will swim across an ocean for a woman he really loves. No holds barred, he goes all out.

Your son isn't truly in love with this girlfriend. And he is well within his rights to have his feelings on the subject. It's his life, not yours. His choice, not yours.

+1000

And I agree with the posters on the last page about over mothering. Back. Off.

[Anonymous]

NP here. You have to talk to him openly about this. What you wrote here, tell him. This is too important to just play polite and let it go unsaid until it is too late.

He needs to step it up big-time, because even if they do get married, she might be fed up with him at some point. But if this is his best chance, it is still time to improve himself.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

OP, in order for 1) your son to mature the way you claim you want him to and 2) he and his gf to have a happy successful marriage--it is obvious they will have to go No Contact with you since you don't seem to grasp that this all of this is THEIR business, not YOUR business.

There is no need to be so cruel. Our family has spent a great deal of time with his girlfriend for the last five plus years. She texts and calls me. She is great friends with my daughter. My daughter and I agree on this.

[Anonymous]

You should probably just tell him what you wrote. He doesn't have to heed your advice.

It also sounds like the GF is potentially better off with someone who isn't as commitment-phobic.