Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But it's very clear he could have done much better in the MOM department.

Different poster here. PP, shame on you. How dare you insult this concerned mother. As a mother myself, I can totally relate to her worries. I would want what is best for my child, too. And she is not being nosy or interfering, merely seeking the advice of a (supposedly well-educated) group of people.

OP, don't mind such rude posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

OP, in order for 1) your son to mature the way you claim you want him to and 2) he and his gf to have a happy successful marriage--it is obvious they will have to go No Contact with you since you don't seem to grasp that this all of this is THEIR business, not YOUR business.

There is no need to be so cruel. Our family has spent a great deal of time with his girlfriend for the last five plus years. She texts and calls me. She is great friends with my daughter. My daughter and I agree on this.

What does dad have to say about all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. You have to talk to him openly about this. What you wrote here, tell him. This is too important to just play polite and let it go unsaid until it is too late.

He needs to step it up big-time, because even if they do get married, she might be fed up with him at some point. But if this is his best chance, it is still time to improve himself.

Good luck!

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Good to know at least one other parent here understands this is one of those once in a lifetime opportunities for one of your children. I just don't know what to say to get through to him. Maybe there aren't words and this is just something immature boys blow and have to take their lumps. I'm dreading that phone call or holiday visit in a couple years when he breaks down crying because he heard she is getting married and he hasn't been able to find anyone close to what he had with her. I know that will happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, 20 yo is way too young for either of them to be married, regardless of how good a catch either one of them is.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook.

What you as a woman see as "a catch" isn't necessarily the same thing a man sees as a catch, OP. Most men do not want "ambitious" women with a "great career". What you see as "adorable" is through a female lens, OP. Not a male lens. They are two very different things.

The hard truth: a man will swim across an ocean for a woman he really loves. No holds barred, he goes all out.

Your son isn't truly in love with this girlfriend. And he is well within his rights to have his feelings on the subject. It's his life, not yours. His choice, not yours.

Many young men are in love but don't realize what they had until they lose it and have to re-enter the dating pool and understand what they had. Then they try to circle back with the ex and she's moved on; another man has already put a ring on her finger and is building a life with her. The top country song right now is this very topic: "I Should Have Married You" by Old Dominion

Chorus:
If I hadn't been so young and stupid
Yeah, I let somebody beat me to it
Don't know what you got until you lose it
Guess I blew it, baby
I should have married you

Such a good song. Perfectly captures the concerns and later regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 20 yo is way too young for either of them to be married, regardless of how good a catch either one of them is.

-NP

They are 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

OP, in order for 1) your son to mature the way you claim you want him to and 2) he and his gf to have a happy successful marriage--it is obvious they will have to go No Contact with you since you don't seem to grasp that this all of this is THEIR business, not YOUR business.

It's not cruel at all, OP. You are trying to present yourself as a no-nonsense person who believes she is justified to give her son some very straight talk that you think he needs to hear. So you can dish it out. You're just getting some straight talk back.

You have very poor boundaries with your son and his gf. Perhaps non-existent boundaries. It's unhealthy.

There is no need to be so cruel. Our family has spent a great deal of time with his girlfriend for the last five plus years. She texts and calls me. She is great friends with my daughter. My daughter and I agree on this.

[Anonymous]

It's not cruel at all, OP. You are trying to present yourself as a no-nonsense person who believes she is justified to give her son some very straight talk that you think he needs to hear. So you can dish it out. You're just getting some straight talk back.

You have very poor boundaries with your son and his gf. Perhaps non-existent boundaries. It's unhealthy.

[There is no need to be so cruel. Our family has spent a great deal of time with his girlfriend for the last five plus years. She texts and calls me. She is great friends with my daughter. My daughter and I agree on this.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. You have to talk to him openly about this. What you wrote here, tell him. This is too important to just play polite and let it go unsaid until it is too late.

He needs to step it up big-time, because even if they do get married, she might be fed up with him at some point. But if this is his best chance, it is still time to improve himself.

Good luck!

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Good to know at least one other parent here understands this is one of those once in a lifetime opportunities for one of your children. I just don't know what to say to get through to him. Maybe there aren't words and this is just something immature boys blow and have to take their lumps. I'm dreading that phone call or holiday visit in a couple years when he breaks down crying because he heard she is getting married and he hasn't been able to find anyone close to what he had with her. I know that will happen.

PP. You need to have the conversation with him. Script it and rehearse it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

You can't possibly know that. You need to stay out of this and let your son figure out who he wants to marry. Just because she's your ideal dil doesn't make her his ideal wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, my. OP, men have a lot longer runway on marriage than women do. Yes, even in 2023. Your son can marry at 38, or 42, and marry a woman in her 20s. In fact, many men in their 20s are being urged to wait until their late 30s to settle down with a woman at least ten years younger. He can bide his time as long as he wants. Women don't enjoy the same timeline and feel pressure to seal the deal years before men do.

^^^ This....

I am a 37 years old male and I am currently married to a 25 years old wife and life is great for me. I met my wife when I was 35 and she was 23 and we got married three months after the first date. I spent twelve years between the age 23 and 35 to become the best version of myself chasing excellence, and that was all I did. I spent a lot of time in the gym, learned new hobbies (flying drone, music, golf, martial arts), climbed up the corporate ladder so that I could be more attractive to the opposite sex. I always knew that I would eventually find the right person for me and that person would be much younger than I. If OP's son is not doing anything to "enhance" his "dating" value, that's another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But it's very clear he could have done much better in the MOM department.

Different poster here. PP, shame on you. How dare you insult this concerned mother. As a mother myself, I can totally relate to her worries. I would want what is best for my child, too. And she is not being nosy or interfering, merely seeking the advice of a (supposedly well-educated) group of people.

OP, don't mind such rude posters.

Can you not see how badly OP has been insulting her own son for this entire thread? She is telling all the world (at least the internet world) that she doesn't think her son is man enough to make his own important life decisions, specifically, who to get married to and when he should get married to her. She is further insulting him by making the completely ridiculous
"prediction" that if he loses his current gf he will "never do better." Are you kidding me? You don't think that's insulting?

[Anonymous]

If your son really wants her he would have already made the changes and the plans. Let that sink in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, my. OP, men have a lot longer runway on marriage than women do. Yes, even in 2023. Your son can marry at 38, or 42, and marry a woman in her 20s. In fact, many men in their 20s are being urged to wait until their late 30s to settle down with a woman at least ten years younger. He can bide his time as long as he wants. Women don't enjoy the same timeline and feel pressure to seal the deal years before men do.

^^^ This....

I am a 37 years old male and I am currently married to a 25 years old wife and life is great for me. I met my wife when I was 35 and she was 23 and we got married three months after the first date. I spent twelve years between the age 23 and 35 to become the best version of myself chasing excellence, and that was all I did. I spent a lot of time in the gym, learned new hobbies (flying drone, music, golf, martial arts), climbed up the corporate ladder so that I could be more attractive to the opposite sex. I always knew that I would eventually find the right person for me and that person would be much younger than I. If OP's son is not doing anything to "enhance" his "dating" value, that's another story.

That sounds like what a lot of guys are or should be doing. Great job!

However, it is so transparent that if OP's son has some growing up to do--and he may have a lot--it is imperative, the absolutely most important thing OP's son could possibly do to level up like you did--is to get as far away from OP and her pernicious, narcissistic and controlling influence over every aspect of his life, as he can. If his mom/the OP believes he will never be able to get another gf as good as the current gf, she also needs to come to grips that her son's perceived deficiencies "as a man" are a direct result of her excessive intrusion into and control over his life, and her utter and complete lack of healthy boundaries, combined with a complete disrespect for her son as an autonomous individual.

Maybe it's cultural. It's still terrible though.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.