Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys aren’t getting married in their 20s. Is is 29 or 21?

OP said mid 20's, that's 23-27.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule is you are allowed to say what you want to tell him but only once. It is your duty as a parent to let him know your thoughts. But once you have done that, stay out of it.

This^. Simple solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook.

What you as a woman see as "a catch" isn't necessarily the same thing a man sees as a catch, OP. Most men do not want "ambitious" women with a "great career". What you see as "adorable" is through a female lens, OP. Not a male lens. They are two very different things.

The hard truth: a man will swim across an ocean for a woman he really loves. No holds barred, he goes all out.

Your son isn't truly in love with this girlfriend. And he is well within his rights to have his feelings on the subject. It's his life, not yours. His choice, not yours.

Many young men are in love but don't realize what they had until they lose it and have to re-enter the dating pool and understand what they had. Then they try to circle back with the ex and she's moved on; another man has already put a ring on her finger and is building a life with her. The top country song right now is this very topic: "I Should Have Married You" by Old Dominion

Chorus:
If I hadn't been so young and stupid
Yeah, I let somebody beat me to it
Don't know what you got until you lose it
Guess I blew it, baby
I should have married you

Such a good song. Perfectly captures the concerns and later regrets.

I am cracking up that a few posters said 20-something boys never permanently regret not marrying a certain girlfriend…… while a chart topping song by a group of 30-something (?) men perfectly describes this. 🤣🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Yup. A catch like her wouldn't hang around 10 years for him to be ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kind of relationship with your son that you think you can discuss your concerns as his mom then do that. Once. Aside from that you’re going have to let him make his own mistakes. My son and his amazing girlfriend broke up and I was pretty sad because I really liked her- turns out she had some mental health issues and would threaten to kill herself when my son would try to break things off. I had no idea and no one would have been able to guess. So she may not be as perfect as she seems.

That's one of the possibility or not but what's the harm in OP discussing this topic once with her DS?

The "harm" is that OP does not have her son's best interests (or his gf's) in mind. OP is focused not on what they might want, but on what SHE wants them to do--how SHE wants them to live their respective lives. OP does not want to have a "discussion," she wants to harangue, shame, and frighten her son into a marriage he is probably not ready for. (E.g.--"Son if you don't marry this one YOU WILL NEVER FIND LOVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.")

OP is more toxic than a rattlesnake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You likely over-mothered him in his youth (you’re doing it right now) which led him to his present immaturity, and now it’s too late and life’s school of hard knocks will do the teaching here. Men have to lose a good woman in order to learn. Let him regret it!

What does learn from it mean in this context? Adults do not do better all the time and regret it for life. It is mathematically impossible for everyone to find a better mate after every breakup. “The one that got away…” is a real thing. I have friends and family in their 40s and 50s still thinking about an ex from decades ago.

[Anonymous]

I was engaged at 25 to my college boyfriend after dating about 5 years. I would have left if he did not propose within a year or so of that time frame.

I don't understand all the posters advising their kids to wait until they're in their late 20's or 30s to get married.

In this forum, there's plenty of stories of the long lasting happy marriages where people met early (in college or early 20s) and married before they turned 30.

You can save money by living together being DINKs working on your future together. With combined household income, you can get on the property ladder faster. You bring less baggage. You have a better chance of being true equals (whereas that's harder with a financially established man in his mid-30s marrying a 25-year old woman who is just beginning her career).

I guess OP needs to understand WHY her son isn't ready to commit. Whether it's a general fear of marriage, or something about this GF in particular.

[Anonymous]

So predictable. Whenever someone posts about a disagreement, most of the posters choose a side and call the other crazy. This is useless. OP already knows the Pro and Anti positions on the issue. Useful comments are ones that bridge the gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

I grew up in one of those European cultures. You know nothing about us. I have never had an assorted group of relatives talking to me about who I should marry. What kind of third-world shit is this?

I am the poster whom you have quoted. I myself come from Europe, with a cultural background in four European countries.

No cultured European family would assemble and talk to anyone like that.

PP here. I didn't say "assemble", but yes, several relatives (parents, aunts/uncles, cousins) would speak up separately at one point or another. FWIW, my background is rural aristocracy on my mother's side, factory owners on my father's side. My grandfather had an economics degree from the Sorbonne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

OP here. I want to be clear that milestones did not necessarily or only mean a prompt proposal and wedding. But yes, that is one milestone he needs to be mindful as their friends get married.

Why? he should get married because GF wants to or because everyone else is doing it? I stand by what I said. He should not be pressured into this "milestone"

They've been together for over five years. Relationships need to grow and evolve. They see their close friends hitting relationship milestones: proposals, some weddings, buying homes together, moving to new cities to support each other's careers, whatever it may be. She is getting restless and if she dumps my DS she will have a flock of suitors. And sorry to say he will never do better and regret this for a very long time.

OP, in order for 1) your son to mature the way you claim you want him to and 2) he and his gf to have a happy successful marriage--it is obvious they will have to go No Contact with you since you don't seem to grasp that this all of this is THEIR business, not YOUR business.

There is no need to be so cruel. Our family has spent a great deal of time with his girlfriend for the last five plus years. She texts and calls me. She is great friends with my daughter. My daughter and I agree on this.

Better people who don't have strong relationships don't understand them and attack them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You likely over-mothered him in his youth (you’re doing it right now) which led him to his present immaturity, and now it’s too late and life’s school of hard knocks will do the teaching here. Men have to lose a good woman in order to learn. Let him regret it!

What does learn from it mean in this context? Adults do not do better all the time and regret it for life. It is mathematically impossible for everyone to find a better mate after every breakup. “The one that got away…” is a real thing. I have friends and family in their 40s and 50s still thinking about an ex from decades ago.

This is only true if you have a false notion that there is a single linear ordering of quality of a person. Different people have different needs and interests.

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was engaged at 25 to my college boyfriend after dating about 5 years. I would have left if he did not propose within a year or so of that time frame.

I don't understand all the posters advising their kids to wait until they're in their late 20's or 30s to get married.

In this forum, there's plenty of stories of the long lasting happy marriages where people met early (in college or early 20s) and married before they turned 30.

You can save money by living together being DINKs working on your future together. With combined household income, you can get on the property ladder faster. You bring less baggage. You have a better chance of being true equals (whereas that's harder with a financially established man in his mid-30s marrying a 25-year old woman who is just beginning her career).

I guess OP needs to understand WHY her son isn't ready to commit. Whether it's a general fear of marriage, or something about this GF in particular.

Survivor bias. Statistically marriages are more likely to last if the parties are 27+. I know plenty of people who are happily married now after short starter marriages to the people they couldn't "let get away" in their mid twenties.

[Anonymous]

Telling him his GF is mommy-approved will definitely have the intended effect. Bonus points if you throw in how she reminds you of you at her age.

Blech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was engaged at 25 to my college boyfriend after dating about 5 years. I would have left if he did not propose within a year or so of that time frame.

I don't understand all the posters advising their kids to wait until they're in their late 20's or 30s to get married.

In this forum, there's plenty of stories of the long lasting happy marriages where people met early (in college or early 20s) and married before they turned 30.

You can save money by living together being DINKs working on your future together. With combined household income, you can get on the property ladder faster. You bring less baggage. You have a better chance of being true equals (whereas that's harder with a financially established man in his mid-30s marrying a 25-year old woman who is just beginning her career).

I guess OP needs to understand WHY her son isn't ready to commit. Whether it's a general fear of marriage, or something about this GF in particular.

Have you ever heard of hypergamy? Most women will not marry men who are lesser than they are. Most women are always married at least equal or up. Overtime, the man will lose appeal if he makes less than his wife, unless he can bring other things to the table. Like Bruce Hornsby's song "That's just the way it is".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, my. OP, men have a lot longer runway on marriage than women do. Yes, even in 2023. Your son can marry at 38, or 42, and marry a woman in her 20s. In fact, many men in their 20s are being urged to wait until their late 30s to settle down with a woman at least ten years younger. He can bide his time as long as he wants. Women don't enjoy the same timeline and feel pressure to seal the deal years before men do.

^^^ This....

I am a 37 years old male and I am currently married to a 25 years old wife and life is great for me. I met my wife when I was 35 and she was 23 and we got married three months after the first date. I spent twelve years between the age 23 and 35 to become the best version of myself chasing excellence, and that was all I did. I spent a lot of time in the gym, learned new hobbies (flying drone, music, golf, martial arts), climbed up the corporate ladder so that I could be more attractive to the opposite sex. I always knew that I would eventually find the right person for me and that person would be much younger than I. If OP's son is not doing anything to "enhance" his "dating" value, that's another story.

Creepy