Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much justification for bad behavior. No it’s wrong. OP this causes major trauma. My husband could be yours. Too little too late and your feelings are your feelings. He has revealed a side of himself that is hard to unsee. Would you want your daughter to be in this relationship? I’m very afraid to leave my husband because of the manipulation, finances and family resources. But I also can’t imagine living with this without the repair. Does your DH understand repair and what would that look and feel like for you?

Does OP understand what repair would look and feel like for herself? I think that’s the first step.

She’s been in a stress response mode for a long time. And in a state of denial thinking that if her DH got his act together then all would be magically OK.

And now he has, but OP doesn’t automatically feel better. Because her DH’s abusive behavior provided a distraction to working on herself. She got comfortable in the victim/martyr role. It wasn’t a fun role, but it’s objectively “good” to her husband being “bad.”

She now needs to carve out space for her own healing and really think about what role she wants to play and how she communicates that. It’s not easy.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

She also has said she hasn’t been in love with him for a very long time and is only in her 30s. So she wasn’t in love with him all through her 30s? That is young still and it seems like she married someone that from the beginning she regretted. If she has emotionally wanted a divorce for a long time and not really worked on their relationship then I don’t really know what is salvageable. Seems like she has a lot of contempt for her husband with few good years between them and that recipe is usually a marriage killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. These PPs gaslighting you are terrible.

Why? It's not normal for a family to have 3 jobs. Why does this family have to have 3 jobs? Why can't they just have one if they can't handle the stress well? They could. OP doesn't want that. She doesn't love her husband and just wants to create problems so she can have an excuse to leave. If she actually wanted to work on the marriage she would figure out a way for there to be more free time for both of them and the kids. When does this man rest if he has 3-4 jobs he's doing a day? He probably has health issues as a result of all the work. Also why can't he work out of the house or in an area that doesn't disturb the rest of the family? These people are around each other too much.

OP said that she did not want her husband to take the second job but he insisted

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t seem like a close call. But I don’t know the whole story.

Your man-project and assessing his milestones sound taxing. Maybe it adds your fatigue. For me, couples therapy was exhausting and not terribly helpful. Your team is having successes, wow. There are threads on developing yourself as an individual.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. These PPs gaslighting you are terrible.

Why? It's not normal for a family to have 3 jobs. Why does this family have to have 3 jobs? Why can't they just have one if they can't handle the stress well? They could. OP doesn't want that. She doesn't love her husband and just wants to create problems so she can have an excuse to leave. If she actually wanted to work on the marriage she would figure out a way for there to be more free time for both of them and the kids. When does this man rest if he has 3-4 jobs he's doing a day? He probably has health issues as a result of all the work. Also why can't he work out of the house or in an area that doesn't disturb the rest of the family? These people are around each other too much.

OP said that she did not want her husband to take the second job but he insisted

Why does she need to work? Why does he need to take care of the house and kids? It’s obviously too much for the family. Either way he could be like this. Why wouldn’t the first step be to slow down all the activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

OP here- this is all sort of moot. I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out. If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do. We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend. He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.” Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger. It’s on him. The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.

Are you in therapy to help process your stress? And lingering anger?

You both have been in a toxic relationship for years and both need to tend to that trauma.

Remaining stuck in victim mode, waiting for the shoe to drop is not healthy for you. Is it possible for you to get away on your own to process this stuff?

It’s OK the decide whatever you decide, but you owe it to you self and your family to put the work in to get the peace and clarity you need.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much justification for bad behavior. No it’s wrong. OP this causes major trauma. My husband could be yours. Too little too late and your feelings are your feelings. He has revealed a side of himself that is hard to unsee. Would you want your daughter to be in this relationship? I’m very afraid to leave my husband because of the manipulation, finances and family resources. But I also can’t imagine living with this without the repair. Does your DH understand repair and what would that look and feel like for you?

Does OP understand what repair would look and feel like for herself? I think that’s the first step.

She’s been in a stress response mode for a long time. And in a state of denial thinking that if her DH got his act together then all would be magically OK.

And now he has, but OP doesn’t automatically feel better. Because her DH’s abusive behavior provided a distraction to working on herself. She got comfortable in the victim/martyr role. It wasn’t a fun role, but it’s objectively “good” to her husband being “bad.”

She now needs to carve out space for her own healing and really think about what role she wants to play and how she communicates that. It’s not easy.

I wish you the best.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have much to add, but for the kids — would it be helpful for them to see their dad trying to get better? It could be a good life lesson to start to undo your husband’s damage on how to handle anger. I would consider therapy for your oldest to help him process what’s going on. He could gain new coping skills without feeling anger himself.

I hope so and that is part of the reason that I am sticking around while my husband is in therapy- if I left him now, he would quit and decline to work on himself alone, and the kids would be alone with him and his bad behavior during his 50% of the time with him. While I am here, he is motivated to do therapy and work on himself to save the marriage. The therapist asked him why he changed the behavior and became “good,” he said it is to save his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t leave yet. Focus on yourself though. Your health, exercise, nutrition, wardrobe, pursing hobbies, eating nice lunches, taking care of all the parts of yourself that you ignored when you were in survival mode. You didn’t allow yourself to live. Now you can. Get it, girl.

If it still feels wrong in a year, or DH reverts to his old ways, jump ship.

This is precisely what I am doing and I am happy to see so many people agree with this plan. I know divorce will be a mess and I’m taking it seriously, not like it will solve my problems or fix my life. But when I am off by myself or on a trip with friends the urge to leave becomes stronger.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your gut knows. Of course ideally marriage can stay in tact. But that feeling when by yourself, tap into that. Does this person bring peace? It’s so easy to talk ourselves into things especially if you are used to rage. It’s conditioning and hard to think for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t leave yet. Focus on yourself though. Your health, exercise, nutrition, wardrobe, pursing hobbies, eating nice lunches, taking care of all the parts of yourself that you ignored when you were in survival mode. You didn’t allow yourself to live. Now you can. Get it, girl.

If it still feels wrong in a year, or DH reverts to his old ways, jump ship.

This is precisely what I am doing and I am happy to see so many people agree with this plan. I know divorce will be a mess and I’m taking it seriously, not like it will solve my problems or fix my life. But when I am off by myself or on a trip with friends the urge to leave becomes stronger.

I feel you and I think it is true that you old relationship must end and grieved. It could be a symbolic end and you commit to starting again as two new people.

I’m in the middle of a similar process and it’s unclear how things will unfold. Circumstances for us are allowing a physical separation (job transfer) that will allow us to figure things out. We both want to give our kids a life with both parents at home. But they also need to see their parents emotionally healthy and happy.

[Anonymous]

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

At our house the kids and I call it the Raging Lunatic when he rages.

NP- Did everyone miss what OP said in bold above?
Screaming at their families constantly?
Hitting their kids? (???)
Throwing things at their husbands? (in this case wife)
Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?
I hated being his punching bag (figuratively or metaphorically?)
His behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids (escalating to? Or physically hitting you/kids?)

Op, can you clarify? Did your husband physically hit you and/or kids? How old are they? You said not yet in HS. Your decision to get out now or wait a year hinges on above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much justification for bad behavior. No it’s wrong. OP this causes major trauma. My husband could be yours. Too little too late and your feelings are your feelings. He has revealed a side of himself that is hard to unsee. Would you want your daughter to be in this relationship? I’m very afraid to leave my husband because of the manipulation, finances and family resources. But I also can’t imagine living with this without the repair. Does your DH understand repair and what would that look and feel like for you?

Does OP understand what repair would look and feel like for herself? I think that’s the first step.

She’s been in a stress response mode for a long time. And in a state of denial thinking that if her DH got his act together then all would be magically OK.

And now he has, but OP doesn’t automatically feel better. Because her DH’s abusive behavior provided a distraction to working on herself. She got comfortable in the victim/martyr role. It wasn’t a fun role, but it’s objectively “good” to her husband being “bad.”

She now needs to carve out space for her own healing and really think about what role she wants to play and how she communicates that. It’s not easy.

I wish you the best.

+1

I would stop dumping in Op to figure everything out. Figure out what to do him, tell others, get him therapy, watch him finally behave but under the microscope of others. Now go figure out what she feels and wants to do.

All while working and day to day .

A therapist/expert should be giving her a framework or grieving/recovery process.
Stop asking her to reinvent the wheel; she doesn’t have time for a 6-7 year psychology PhD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

At our house the kids and I call it the Raging Lunatic when he rages.

NP- Did everyone miss what OP said in bold above?
Screaming at their families constantly?
Hitting their kids? (???)
Throwing things at their husbands? (in this case wife)
Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?
I hated being his punching bag (figuratively or metaphorically?)
His behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids (escalating to? Or physically hitting you/kids?)

Op, can you clarify? Did your husband physically hit you and/or kids? How old are they? You said not yet in HS. Your decision to get out now or wait a year hinges on above.

Was that not a hypothetical?

NP