Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

OP here- this is all sort of moot. I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out. If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do. We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend. He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.” Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger. It’s on him. The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.

Then don’t. It sounds like you already have some sort of competition going and he will likely give up faster than you. He has two jobs and friends and a sport. Why do you need to stay?

So basically he does exactly what he wants all week long: works, plays sports with friends, socializes all weekend, and verbal abuses his wife. And he cooks, cleans and manages the kids 5-8pm??

You said he already does that as well. Seems like he’s got that covered too. He seems to work a lot. I’m not sure what he is supposed to do other than work 2 jobs. Take care of the kids and home and take care of his health and social life. Is there some other obligation?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. These PPs gaslighting you are terrible.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.

OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.

Yes, this is me, I am filled with resentment and sadness from 15 years of this. What are we going to do, pp? How long can we live like this? Do we leave now?

I don't know, OP. I've got 4 years until my youngest leaves the nest for college. My older one will be a junior in high school, and I feel like disrupting his high school life with a divorce would side track things like SAT prep, etc. I can't really imagine a life with my husband, I simply don't like being around him anymore, even though he is 'getting better.' I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm in therapy, which is helping TREMENDOUSLY. I was raised in an abusive household, and I'm learning about shifting my mindset to realize that I AM strong enough to do it on my own. BUT, this man is really my family, and I still am afraid of not having anyone who would be there in the middle of the night. (perhaps another cognitive distortion of mine, bc I have a very strong circle of friends.) I hear you so loudly, OP. I think the best advice I can give is to trust yourself. Trust your body and your mind. Take your time. AND, meet with a lawyer. I did this too, and it was very empowering.

OP here. Ok pp since you are several years ahead of me in child-rearing you can answer some of my most pressing questions, which are how all of this affects the kids. This is really what worries me the most.

Did you feel a negative impact in the kids behavior? How do they handle conflict? Do they follow the model their father has shown them or do they know it's wrong? What could you do to mitigate the impact of DH's behavior? Did you ever put the kids in therapy?

How long has your DH been "working" on it? Is he in therapy? Are you in couples therapy? Has his behavior changed in the long term?

As a pp above suggests, I am giving it a little less than a year to see where I am emotionally. I am taking care of myself- ramping up my career, starting new hobbies. I would like to see the results of therapy for him, marriage counseling, and therapy for me (and possibly the kids). I cannot imagine wanting to be married to this man. I just can't. I haven't wanted to be married to him in a long, long time. I am in my late 30s, my kids are not yet in high school, and I think the sooner the better if they are going to adapt ot 50/50 custody. I would also like to find a new partner, eventually, but not for a long time.

Hi OP, it’s PP. This is the most complex and painful part f it- how it is affecting my kids. While the logic most certainly holds that a home environment filled with yelling and fighting is bad for the kids, I can’t even imagine my husband being with my son without my mediation. My son is 16. They clash so very much, and I often get between them to protect my son. (Never physical, just yelling and setting my son up for failure). It’s complicated by the fact that a court would never give me more than 50%, and my husband thrives on conflict and would fight me ad infinitum.

My daughter 2 years younger and is in therapy, is smart as a whip, and doesn’t stand for his nonsense. She has called him a ‘maniac’ to his face.

I’m trying to mitigate harm as much as possible. If your kids are younger, it may be easier to get out now. I don’t know. My kids FWIW, are both kind and loving, and I not only love them, I like them too.

[Anonymous]

PP here still- Husband and I have been in in therapy on and off for 20 of the 23 years we’ve been together. I won’t go anymore. He has made changes, but it’s not enough. He loves therapy because he can talk forever about how he has been wronged because his intentions are always good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. These PPs gaslighting you are terrible.

Why? It's not normal for a family to have 3 jobs. Why does this family have to have 3 jobs? Why can't they just have one if they can't handle the stress well? They could. OP doesn't want that. She doesn't love her husband and just wants to create problems so she can have an excuse to leave. If she actually wanted to work on the marriage she would figure out a way for there to be more free time for both of them and the kids. When does this man rest if he has 3-4 jobs he's doing a day? He probably has health issues as a result of all the work. Also why can't he work out of the house or in an area that doesn't disturb the rest of the family? These people are around each other too much.

[Anonymous]

Asa woman why wouldn't OP limit the amount of time the kids are with this man if there really are major problems? Why aren't the kids the bigger concern here?

[Anonymous]

Leaving is exchanging one set of problems for another. Don't buy into the illusion that leaving will solve all your problems and you'll be happy and free. You will just have a different set of issues to deal with.

[Anonymous]

The kids are always the biggest concern. “Limit” the time? You are either not married or don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you just want to leave and be alone/with someone else and it’s easier to do when your spouse is the bad guy. Once he stops being a bad guy you still don’t want to be with him but you can’t leave for fear of becoming the bad guy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Don’t leave yet. Focus on yourself though. Your health, exercise, nutrition, wardrobe, pursing hobbies, eating nice lunches, taking care of all the parts of yourself that you ignored when you were in survival mode. You didn’t allow yourself to live. Now you can. Get it, girl.

If it still feels wrong in a year, or DH reverts to his old ways, jump ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here still- Husband and I have been in in therapy on and off for 20 of the 23 years we’ve been together. I won’t go anymore. He has made changes, but it’s not enough. He loves therapy because he can talk forever about how he has been wronged because his intentions are always good.

lol

What a royal waste of money and time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you see that? He makes most of the money, works two jobs, does most of the work around the house and OP does what exactly? And he abuses her how exactly? I'm a woman and I don't understand this post at all. If she wants to leave maybe it's her loss.

This

[Anonymous]

There is so much justification for bad behavior. No it’s wrong. OP this causes major trauma. My husband could be yours. Too little too late and your feelings are your feelings. He has revealed a side of himself that is hard to unsee. Would you want your daughter to be in this relationship? I’m very afraid to leave my husband because of the manipulation, finances and family resources. But I also can’t imagine living with this without the repair. Does your DH understand repair and what would that look and feel like for you?

[Anonymous]

Hopefully the therapist will help him do more than just flip a switch and expect a cookie.
He has to make amends too. And keep the switch on Respectful Behavior. Permanently.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have much to add, but for the kids — would it be helpful for them to see their dad trying to get better? It could be a good life lesson to start to undo your husband’s damage on how to handle anger. I would consider therapy for your oldest to help him process what’s going on. He could gain new coping skills without feeling anger himself.