Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
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Anonymous
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DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).
I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too. So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him. He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much. It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head. I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me. |
Anonymous
| If you're just bored, then stay for the kids |
Anonymous
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Maybe when he was actively abusing you, it was not safe to leave or think about a future because it is really hard to see outside that situation when you are in it. To an extent, you give up.
Maybe now it is safe for you to contemplate futures that don't involve him. Sometimes, the problems in a relationship are such that they change the way partners feel about each other. The way your husband treated you was absolutely unacceptable, and it's understandable if your feelings toward him have changed or become more detached. That sounds protective, even if he is saying and doing the right things now. Sometimes trust cannot be reestablished because the damage done is too great to repair. |
Anonymous
| I would wait and see how things go. Do not be hasty. It sounds like there are now a lot of positives. |
Anonymous
| He worked two jobs? That's too much for one person. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you’re exhausted from the fighting and now that the fighting is stopped you’re still exhausted. You spent so many years being abused, then supporting your abusive husband through his issues and you just don’t have anything left. Can you take a week for yourself to reset and then go from there? Take a break. After you have a chance to clear your head and relax then you can start thinking about what the next chapter of your life looks like. |
Anonymous
| How do you see that? He makes most of the money, works two jobs, does most of the work around the house and OP does what exactly? And he abuses her how exactly? I'm a woman and I don't understand this post at all. If she wants to leave maybe it's her loss. |
Anonymous
| It is ok to be done. Everything he is doing may just be too little, too late. |
Anonymous
+1 And OP is always going to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for a relapse. That sort of vigilance is exhausting. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Are you illiterate? |
Anonymous
I am sort of getting over this particular worry very slowly. A few months is nothing when you have been married 15 years, but it’s something. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I am trying to forgive for the sake of our kids, but I can’t make myself feel anything. The only thing I feel is a deep desire to leave him. |
Anonymous
| P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way. |
Anonymous
OP, you said his anger and rage was directed at you. I don’t hear any accountability on your part for that anger if there are no other true stressors in your lives as stated. |