Not Invited to Half Sibling's Wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's really quite terrible, OP. I would call my brother (to all intents and purposes he IS your brother!), and tell him you're very jurt: that you considered him family, just like your other siblings, that you looked after him when he was a child, etc... and then figure out what's going on from what he tells you.

You cannot walk away from this without exploring further. Your brother is a young adult, and probably not quite mature enough to call you first and explain. He's probably not comfortable with this situation.

Me again. Also, I am dumbfounded at your (step)mother's lack of explanation. Were I you, I would start to think that perhaps there is something going on with the future in-laws that she is not comfortable sharing. I would ask her further questions. If she is invited, and treated you all this while as a daughter, then she should be comfortable requesting your inclusion and at least being a go-between so that you have some sort of explanation as to what is going on.

I have a college friend who at 20 married an 18 year old very suddenly. They met in hospital while she was sick. It turned out she was psychologically unstable, wanted to marry him for money, and tried to isolate him from his own family. The marriage lasted a year. Maybe your brother's situation is not similar at all... but you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your dad should be defending you. Also, are you nice with half siblings? We're they nice to you? Was the step mom a total bit ch or nice? Tell us more.
I can't help you with such little information

Her dad can't defend her because he's dead.

Oh sorry.

Always talk about your emotions before is too, too late.

[Anonymous]

My guess would be that the stepfamily played nice while the dad was alive and now the true colors are coming out.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with a lot of people here. I would take the high road and I personally would even send a gift if you like him. I would not start drama. It is not anyone's place to demand they invite people if they are paying for it.

OP, do you get along with his fiance? Did you dislike her this much before? Maybe she sensed it?

Life is short and very tragic. Allow people to have their happy days and be gracious. I would see this as a sign you are not going to be close with them, but if I saw them at an event I would be polite, just distant.

If the relationship between him and his fiance isn't meant to be, let that happen organically. Don't go setting off problems by starting a big family tah-do. You are allowed to feel hurt and process those feelings, but don't rain on their parade.

We eloped and I am so glad we did.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell them about your feelings, your feelings are valid, you are part of the family. Dont shut yourself. Speak now and then move on with your life. But at least you let them know your feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess would be that the stepfamily played nice while the dad was alive and now the true colors are coming out.

I'm a step family, second marriage (not an affair, long divorced before I came into the picture) and I recently had this conversation with my adult son when he was visiting. We had a attended a friend's wedding and I was his plus one. He did not want to take a date, so I was his plus one (that and I knew the groom since he was a little boy). My DS told me his wedding will be on the smaller side when he has one, he hates anything over 50 and prefers more intimate weddings that he has experienced. Now I realize this is not his decision alone so we'll see what happens down the road, but he also told me cousins and step siblings will not be invited. He said I enjoy spending time with them but they really aren't a part of my day to day life and truly know nothing about me. He said that on his wedding day he wants to be surrounded by those who have had his back (friends and families) and when I questioned about his step sisters he simply said, they know nothing about my life and chosen to be holiday sisters who I see maybe once a year. Additionally he added there is some hurt for all the times he has tried to get together with them for dinner when he is in there town and feels always as if it's been an intrusion, almost as if they were nice to him because they shared a dad. His words, feelings, not mine. I hope he'll reconsider when that time comes, but it's never been my place to force family relationships on my children once they became adults. I have very happy relationships with them and I want to keep it that way.

[Anonymous]

If there is a 12+ year age difference between you, you two are not close and have never been. They don’t think if you as family. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That's really quite terrible, OP. I would call my brother (to all intents and purposes he IS your brother!), and tell him you're very jurt: that you considered him family, just like your other siblings, that you looked after him when he was a child, etc... and then figure out what's going on from what he tells you.

You cannot walk away from this without exploring further. Your brother is a young adult, and probably not quite mature enough to call you first and explain. He's probably not comfortable with this situation.

Agree. He should know that you are hurt, and he should feel bad about it. Absent some serious issue (estrangement, addiction, terrible transgression at a past family event), there is absolutely no justification for this. It is a terrible thing to do.

I would also go back to your stepmother and let her know how you are feeling, too.

+1. The "I'm so sorry Lauren" doesn't cut it from your stepmom - this woman literally raised you if your father had full custody. And I'd let your brother know too. Frankly, I'd just be blunt and tell him you don't understand what's going on since you were unaware their was an issue with your relationship. And that the neighbors are invited to this wedding and you are not?

I think sometimes people don't really fully understand or appreciate what they are doing when they make their wedding invitation list. I get that it's the bride's "day," but it's also a family celebration. And not inviting a family member or a friend, or cutting people because they aren't 21 or whatever, causes lasting damage/family rifts. Your stepmom should have put her foot down. And it shouldn't take you letting her know how hurt you are to do it.

I am really sorry. This just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess would be that the stepfamily played nice while the dad was alive and now the true colors are coming out.

I'm a step family, second marriage (not an affair, long divorced before I came into the picture) and I recently had this conversation with my adult son when he was visiting. We had a attended a friend's wedding and I was his plus one. He did not want to take a date, so I was his plus one (that and I knew the groom since he was a little boy). My DS told me his wedding will be on the smaller side when he has one, he hates anything over 50 and prefers more intimate weddings that he has experienced. Now I realize this is not his decision alone so we'll see what happens down the road, but he also told me cousins and step siblings will not be invited. He said I enjoy spending time with them but they really aren't a part of my day to day life and truly know nothing about me. He said that on his wedding day he wants to be surrounded by those who have had his back (friends and families) and when I questioned about his step sisters he simply said, they know nothing about my life and chosen to be holiday sisters who I see maybe once a year. Additionally he added there is some hurt for all the times he has tried to get together with them for dinner when he is in there town and feels always as if it's been an intrusion, almost as if they were nice to him because they shared a dad. His words, feelings, not mine. I hope he'll reconsider when that time comes, but it's never been my place to force family relationships on my children once they became adults. I have very happy relationships with them and I want to keep it that way.

OP said that half-cousins are invited, and she is a half-sibling who grew up in the same house, not a step-sibling. They all even recently vacationed together. It's my bet that, as usual, the bride is making the guest list and for some reason, OP did not make the cut and the groom was spineless about it. I think it's worth a phone call to the brother to congratulate him and see if he wants to explain. Send a gift or not. IMO, no gift would not burn the bridge but be a reasonable response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bring it up again. No gift, no card, no more group vacations.

This. I know it doesn’t take away the hurt but keeping them at arms length is a protective measure. Hopefully someday your brother and/or stepmother will ask and you can be candid that you were incredibly sad more than angry about being shut out when so many others were included.

Rest assured tongues will wag when your absence is noticed. Make no excuses. Tell
everyone the relationship was good and you have no indication why you were excluded.

What do the other siblings think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bring it up again. No gift, no card, no more group vacations.

This. I know it doesn’t take away the hurt but keeping them at arms length is a protective measure. Hopefully someday your brother and/or stepmother will ask and you can be candid that you were incredibly sad more than angry about being shut out when so many others were included.

Rest assured tongues will wag when your absence is noticed. Make no excuses. Tell
everyone the relationship was good and you have no indication why you were excluded.

What do the other siblings think?

I posted already, but I think some people are stuck in a 1980s psychology mentality. Back then it was all about confrontation and you have to share your feelings. That backfired. If you are truly incredibly close, not close due to being born to the same dad, but actually close, then sure you gently bring it up and give him the benefit of the doubt. If you are simply family who grew up in the same home, but don't share a very close bond then let it go. Be polite. You are something like 12 years older right? Be the mature one. Be civil. He has shown you already where you are in importance. Receive the message, be polite, but protect yourself. At family gatherings be kind, but distant. Don't plan beach houses together. Weddings are emotional and stressful. Don't pick a fight. They knew what they were doing. Confronting him and saying you are hurt is not going to solve anything. It is normal to feel hurt. Process those feelings. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself. Clearly he does not see the relationship the same way you do, so let that go.

I am closer with my friends and my brother than with my sister. i consider my friends more like family than my sister. one of my good friends didn't invite me to her wedding. (To be honest I was relieved because I had a needy infant who cried bloody murder a lot). I thought we were closer and I invited her to many things. I still send a card of congrats from us. When she told me she was expecting, I sent her some baby clothes and a note. We have remained friends. She is now divorced. I still value that friendship. I understand we are not as close as I thought, but I am glad to be in her life and I truly am not offended. I know some people will say this is different, but she knows far more about me than my sister who was in the same house and only a few years older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is a 12+ year age difference between you, you two are not close and have never been. They don’t think if you as family. Sorry.

Yup, that is the age gap between my brother and our first niece/nephew. They’re not close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with other posters. The half brother and stepmom should have demanded your inclusion, the same way they would have demanded your father be included if he was being excluded. Their failure to tells me that you are not actually part of “their” family. They are not as nice as they seem, but they are good actors.

Personally I would put it all out in the open. I would email or text all the half siblings and stepmom and just tell the truth. "I was shocked and hurt that (sister) and I were not invited to the wedding. I am maybe even more hurt that no one in the family stood up for us and asked us to be included. This especially hurts because I know our exclusion would have been terribly hurtful to Dad."

I'm sure people will say you should be the "bigger person", but why? Your own family sold you out. They deserve to be called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with a lot of people here. I would take the high road and I personally would even send a gift if you like him. I would not start drama. It is not anyone's place to demand they invite people if they are paying for it.

OP, do you get along with his fiance? Did you dislike her this much before? Maybe she sensed it?

Life is short and very tragic. Allow people to have their happy days and be gracious. I would see this as a sign you are not going to be close with them, but if I saw them at an event I would be polite, just distant.

If the relationship between him and his fiance isn't meant to be, let that happen organically. Don't go setting off problems by starting a big family tah-do. You are allowed to feel hurt and process those feelings, but don't rain on their parade.

We eloped and I am so glad we did.

The brother started the drama, not op. Sorry but I wouldn't send a present if I wasn't invited. That's being a door mat and rewarding bad behavior. You don't have to do anything except live your life and not expect any relationship with any of them. Do something fun with your sister!

[Anonymous]

Really interesting that only one poster has picked up on the OP insulting the fiancé and suggested that maybe there’s a back story after all . . .