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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]None of us can know what is really going on here, but personally if my children were disrespectful to me, rude and called my husband a moron, I would disengage.  Sadly that would mean I also disengage with the grandkids.  But I simply wouldn’t put up with it.  You can’t change your kids but you can change how you react to them.[/quote]

I agree with you, though I suspect OP is not being fully truthful about this because I asked her earlier to clarify that that her son just called her husband a "moron" and if there is any context that would at least explain it, and she didn't respond. My guess is that her son either didn't actually say moron but instead was, she feels, condescending, OR that her husband did or said something really awful (like used a racist epithet or spanked one of their kids or some other behavior that a Boomer might engage in, thinking it's fine, and a Millennial might find totally horrifying).

Everything OP has posted sounds like about 10% of a story she does not want to elaborate on because doing so would cause people to say "well can you see how you are contributing to this dynamic yourself?" She doesn't want to take responsibility for any of it (she literally said "I think they are all spoiled but I refuse to be held accountable for it" -- she's their mom) so she's spinning it to make it sound like they are just horrid and she's innocent. I guarantee this is not the case.

I once read a deep dive into online forums for adult kids who had gone no-contact with their parents, compared to online forums for parents who had been cut off from their adult kids. It was really interesting, but one of the take aways was that the kids cutting off their parents would be able to describe incidents in detail and explain who said what and when, and also explain exactly why this was a problem for them or led them to stop speaking to their parents. They were also more likely to admit that they had made mistakes in how they engaged with their parents, or express regret over things they said or did. But the cut-off parents would often be extremely vague, refuse to answer even supportive questions about precipitating events, and would never admit that anything they did could be considered problematic or wrong in any way.

This thread has that vibe.[/quote]

I wonder if the parents being "blind" to their shortcomings is based on the parenting approach of respect (for the parent) being the end all be all of child/parent relationships.  Parent can say/do whatever he/she wants and kid should put up with it because parents should always be respected.  Parents don't see they could be handling situations incorrectly or poorly because being the parent trumps all.

My mother used to say, "you don't have to love but you have to respect.". Guess what, we have a terrible relationship and I don't do either of those things.  [/quote]

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