For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

I never "feel guilty" about the outsized expectations, demands, and preferences of grown, able-bodied, well-resourced adults. They can manage themselves. They can choose to be mature, supportive, understanding, and relaxed, or not. When they choose to get wound up and jealous and immature and deliberately obtuse, that's really not my problem.

We're going to make the decisions that are best for OUR family. Stay mad, Janet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never "feel guilty" about the outsized expectations, demands, and preferences of grown, able-bodied, well-resourced adults. They can manage themselves. They can choose to be mature, supportive, understanding, and relaxed, or not. When they choose to get wound up and jealous and immature and deliberately obtuse, that's really not my problem.

We're going to make the decisions that are best for OUR family. Stay mad, Janet.

+1

Hear, hear! Accept people the way they are, and don't complain - you are not going to change anything for the better by complaining about whom your child chose to marry, and it makes you look REALLY bad. Be the adult, step up, and foster inclusion and warmth in the family - its your job as the elder.

[Anonymous]

Guilt? Because my ILs are nut jobs? No.

I do grieve not having a good relationship with ILs. My ex’s parents were awesome. Wish they could be my ILs (minus their son).

[Anonymous]

Nope. My MIL wants to treat our house like an Airbnb where you never need to book in advance and DH/I as her personal errand runners. She often doesn’t give us her travel plans until days before her arrival. She honestly expects to just call from the airport and someone will pop over. What she really wants is for us to give her a key and access to one of her cars and she can just fly in and do whatever she wants. She is insanely irresponsible and we don’t live in an area where leaving doors wide open, letting the dogs out the front door to run down the street, leaving your purse on the seat of the car while you run not stores would not result in disaster so she doesn’t get a key or a car. She feels entitled to have me or DH run her all over town because it’s his fault for not letting her take his car. Her errands are exhausting. She books things without regard to location or traffic so getting there on time is stressful. She is incredibly rude to service people when she is trying to get something she really isn’t entitled t get, she won’t tip, and is constantly prattling on about something.

This last time she once again ignored us telling her to check with us in advance. She booked for a terrible week school wise for kids and work wise for us. We said nope sorry, hope you have refundable tickets. She still came and stayed with a friend because we said no and her daughter SIL was out of town ( or hiding and just saying she was out of town). We feel zero guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never "feel guilty" about the outsized expectations, demands, and preferences of grown, able-bodied, well-resourced adults. They can manage themselves. They can choose to be mature, supportive, understanding, and relaxed, or not. When they choose to get wound up and jealous and immature and deliberately obtuse, that's really not my problem.

We're going to make the decisions that are best for OUR family. Stay mad, Janet.

Hell yes. Totally agree. I'm over it. I am civil, kind and make sure to support my kids and husband having a relationship with them but I don't put the mental energy or time into worrying about what they think of me (we are polar opposites politically and it was at times contentious but I don't take the bait anymore). My motto with them is "take what they can give and leave the rest."

I think you would feel a lot better if you felt like your husband truly had your back. Try to sort that out with him as honestly and fairly as you can.

[Anonymous]

I wish I was on this board years ago. The posts here would have knocked some sense into me and I probably wouldn't be in my current predicament. My FIL has been living with me and DH for the past 15 years. It wasn't and isn't pleasant. Now I have asked my FIL to move out. No guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

Nah. Frankly parents' roles with their kids change when kids marry. Kids no longer are your nuclear family and they're building their own family. Parents move into a friend role vs an active parenting role. Some parents are rigid and unable to change, particularly moms of sons because they're so used to doing everything for the son.

Also, a lot of parents lose their minds when grandkids come into the picture. I felt kind of abandoned before we had kids and then all of a sudden, EVERYONE wanted us for every single holiday. We spent our 20s having fun together, enjoying being married, traveling a lot. When we had kids, people were straight up offended that we'd go on a vacation with our kids and not invite them. And how dare we travel to a different country when we could be traveling to them instead.

Your second paragraph is SO spot-on. Always thought I got super lucky with the ILs until we had kids. Now we are being accused of withholding the grandchildren when we’ve never done that, are trying to give equal time to both sets of grandparents, while both working FT and juggle kids activities. It’s been such a turnoff and I feel for my husband, he is definitely embarrassed by his mom’s behavior in particular.

Yep, yep! We get guilted into withholding the grandchildren too. Except attempts to get together become so excruciatingly overcomplicated because they refuse to commit to dates and like to "play it all by ear" that no, I no longer feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

i have this too - ILs want to do every christmas and my parents dont get along with them/ want to stay together (and dont live nearby so have to travel to us) so my parents just never get christmas.

That seems really unfair to your parents. Why don’t you travel to them every other year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

My MIL flipped a switch when we got married. Like almost to the day. We had dated awhile, but always done holidays apart bc we each wanted to see our families. When we got married, we decided to rotate. She COULD NOT BELIEVE her son wasn’t going to be with her for Thanksgiving. She was such a pill about holidays and gatherings the first few years we were married, she ruined our relationship.

So, while I did know she had some bumps before we got married, I did not realize what little emotional work she’d done in the lead up to our wedding. The fact that I had a family was offensive to her, and I don’t think she fully realized it until our wedding day.

It’s been 15 years and I don’t think I will ever forget how poorly she treated me during those early years.

I’ve been married 25 years and my MIL still doesn’t “get” the concept of “sharing” her son with another family at the holidays. It’s mind boggling and there was no hint while we were dating of how nuts she would become about holidays, grandchildren…you name it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

The pushy, overbearing, guilt tripping side of my MIL did not come up until after I had a kid. By then I had known my DH for 15+ years and my MIL for 5 years.

It was like a whole new side of her came out where she wanted to be with us 3-4 days a week. She started enmeshing herself into what I felt were parental roles - giving us unsolicited advice about where child should go to school, what kind of clothes they should wear, stepping in when kid asked for mom, telling DH to bring baby over so he could do xyz, telling us where she thought we should move, vacation based on proximity and convenience to her. Basically inserting herself into our home life and decision making. It was a total shock to me. She was always reasonable before but suddenly after a grandkid appeared it was like she just could not get enough. She started treating me differently too, like I was invisible. All she wanted to talk about was grandkid. I had to start saying. She literally wanted to be included in every single thing. It was suffocating.

[Anonymous]

Start saying no*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guilt? Because my ILs are nut jobs? No.

I do grieve not having a good relationship with ILs. My ex’s parents were awesome. Wish they could be my ILs (minus their son).

My ex boyfriend has the best mom and I loved her so much. We got along so well that I stayed with him longer than I should have. My in laws are nice people, but I have nothing in common with them and feel incredibly uncomfortable around them. I do wish I had a better relationship with them, but it would require me or them to be different people than we are.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was the only one that dealt with issues with in-laws and taking pictures. I truly thought I was just being over sensitive but I see it is an issue for others. My MIL was a professional photographer and wants to take photos of the kids all the time. She makes a book for them every year for their birthday. On vacations and visits, she spends hours ensuring she has the most amazing and meaningful pictures of the kids with her daughter (their aunt and my SIL). The books end up being an overwhelming majority of pics of the kids with their aunt; some with my husband and the kids; or my husband, his sister, and the kids together. There are only a few of me (usually terrible pictures), and rarely any photos of the kids with both of the parents. We once went on an overseas trip and she sent us her photos and there was not a single family photo of the kids with both of their parents. Overwhelming amount were of kids with their aunt. My SIL isn’t married and doesn’t have kids so it’s my MIL’s attempt at making her feel like she has kids??? I’m not sure but it drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I just worked on it and it got better.

+ 1
Me too. I am also not a person who is quick to take offence on minor things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was the only one that dealt with issues with in-laws and taking pictures. I truly thought I was just being over sensitive but I see it is an issue for others. My MIL was a professional photographer and wants to take photos of the kids all the time. She makes a book for them every year for their birthday. On vacations and visits, she spends hours ensuring she has the most amazing and meaningful pictures of the kids with her daughter (their aunt and my SIL). The books end up being an overwhelming majority of pics of the kids with their aunt; some with my husband and the kids; or my husband, his sister, and the kids together. There are only a few of me (usually terrible pictures), and rarely any photos of the kids with both of the parents. We once went on an overseas trip and she sent us her photos and there was not a single family photo of the kids with both of their parents. Overwhelming amount were of kids with their aunt. My SIL isn’t married and doesn’t have kids so it’s my MIL’s attempt at making her feel like she has kids??? I’m not sure but it drives me crazy.

Why not talk to MIL about this? Hmm? What would be so wrong with having an open conversation.