For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

ILs are primarily DH's responsibility. I will help out when truly needed, by 95% of the time, he runs point on them.

Both DH and I know how to say NO. N-O. They want every holiday with us. No--you get what you get. They want tons of vacation with us. No--you get what you get. They want daily phone calls. Nope, it's weekly unless something is truly urgent or wrong.

Sometimes they express disappointment. Oh well, meeting their every wish and expectation is not our job, and their feelings aren't ours to manage.

When needed, I do make it clear that if our efforts to spend time, holidays, vacation, money and energy on them aren't appreciated, those efforts can reduce or stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

This.

My mil lives to hurt people. She is the most controlling person I have ever met and she punishes people who do not give in to her. After we had children, she and fil did and said horrible things to and about us. They've continued to do horrible things to other members of the family and spouse and I are happy that we aren't a part of the drama and hatefulness. No guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero guilt.

I should get a blog, but I’ve gone Gray Rock (thanks, dcum) after being screamed at (at a public event) by my MIL for not returning her phone call. This was well over a decade ago and the last straw for me.

I’m a childhood trauma survivor who was verbally abused by an alcoholic parent; I am a people pleaser and a sensitive soul. I avoid conflict and drama. This event with my MIL made me wake up and stop caring about her. She will not change, but I can and will and have.

No solo visits, no phone calls, no purchasing gifts, no deep conversations. I’ll be polite, chat, listen but give no details of my thoughts, opinions or offer insights. All surface.

I put up boundaries later when I should have done so upon getting married, but I’m not 22 anymore.

+1

Abusive, neglectful family (MILs included) count on pigeonholing their targets into their old roles. News flash: Children grow up to learn from your mistakes. This may or may not serve you well.

[Anonymous]

I would feel differently about MIL if she was warm, welcoming, inclusive and not looking to control certain members and divide/triangulate family other members, maybe own her past neglectful ways, and drop her favoring. But that will never happen, so......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

My FIL has a picture of DH and an old girlfriend displayed. It is so weird.

What's weird is that your DH ***allows it.*** Mine would absolutely not let that stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

My FIL has a picture of DH and an old girlfriend displayed. It is so weird.

What's weird is that your DH ***allows it.*** Mine would absolutely not let that stand.

My mil does stuff like this to start fights. We learned quickly to not give it attention. She eventually killed our relationship with her need to start drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

My FIL has a picture of DH and an old girlfriend displayed. It is so weird.

What's weird is that your DH ***allows it.*** Mine would absolutely not let that stand.

My mil does stuff like this to start fights. We learned quickly to not give it attention. She eventually killed our relationship with her need to start drama.

Yeah, my husband would end it there. I can't believe what people put up with.

[Anonymous]

I'd drop the guilt and focus on managing things so that you aren't miserable.

People are varied, and so are relationships. There can be some tug and pull, but mainly you want to make sure you are taken care of.

If you have been trying "so hard" to keep them happy, drop the rope a bit. Or pass that off to your DH a bit more and take a back seat on visits. Be there, be polite, but you can also down shift to just "being present". I did this a long time ago with my in-laws and it's helped tremendously. They probably think I am a bit disengaged because, well, I AM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero guilt.

I should get a blog, but I’ve gone Gray Rock (thanks, dcum) after being screamed at (at a public event) by my MIL for not returning her phone call. This was well over a decade ago and the last straw for me.

I’m a childhood trauma survivor who was verbally abused by an alcoholic parent; I am a people pleaser and a sensitive soul. I avoid conflict and drama. This event with my MIL made me wake up and stop caring about her. She will not change, but I can and will and have.

No solo visits, no phone calls, no purchasing gifts, no deep conversations. I’ll be polite, chat, listen but give no details of my thoughts, opinions or offer insights. All surface.

I put up boundaries later when I should have done so upon getting married, but I’m not 22 anymore.

I relate to this so much, but it took me a long time to get there with inlaws and even longer with my mother. my husband understand his mother and step mother were abusive, but he put his father on a pedestal. I caught on to his mom quickly, but did feel guilty until she made a horrible comment about our older child who has SN. Then I said to DH he can have any relationship he wants with her-she is his mother, but I will protect our children and myself. It took him several years until he couldn't take her for another second. She ended up estranged from her 4 kids and had a pretty contentious relationship with her sisters. My husband hated his stepmom enough he could set some boundaries, but he yearned for his father who didn't raise him. It took him a while and the stepkids having kids for him to see they didn't care about us, just the stepkids and those grandchildren.

With my mom it took me having my own illness to make it clear not another second of abusive behavior would be tolerated ever again. She walks on thin ice and knows it.

[Anonymous]

I really tried in the beginning but every time we gave an inch they kept pushing for more and more and more and my husband would cave every single time. Come to Jesus meeting. I said you can either choose your mom and exactly what she wants or we can compromise on things and if we compromise on things you need to hold up our end of the bargain. None of the side deal things where your mom pushes for more and more and more. If you agree with her, you are going solo because the kids and I are doing what we had already planned on doing via the compromise.
Life is too short to set yourself on fire to keep others warm... I think compromising is needed in life and if someone can't compromise then I guess they're not worth my time

[Anonymous]

I will never get in the way of a relationship between my husband and his parents but I'm also not going to be the facilitator of it. I have no interest in visiting them multiple times a month. If he wants to, he knows where they live and is more than able of visiting without me.... Thing is he hates to do it because he knows how they are and loves to have me as the buffer.... Well sorry honey. It's your family if you want to visit visit if you don't don't.

[Anonymous]

I don't DISLIKE my inlaws but they are difficult. And have very specific expectations of how they want things to be.

I have zero guilt for our boundaries. Their preferences are not more important than mine or my DH's, and we are the ones shouldering the workload/schedules on a daily basis. So when it comes to things like holidays, downtime, etc. our preferences control. They are free to join. Or not. And if they are here they are expected to be civil (they are divorced) and know if they are not, they will not be invited next time.

[Anonymous]

Something interesting to note: the overbearing
MIL behavior can filter down to the GC.

My adult DD has had numerous health struggles, mental and physical. During a heartfelt phone conversation with grandma, DD lamented that she was finally feeling a bit better, yet the depression lingered.MIL immediately asked if DD was specifically depressed because she gained weight. Dead silence from DD. Their relationship pretty much fractured and splintered from that point. MIL offered a “sorry you felt that way but that wasn’t my intention”non apology and will never understand why her words were so hurtful and anything but supportive. This was a few years back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

My FIL has a picture of DH and an old girlfriend displayed. It is so weird.

What's weird is that your DH ***allows it.*** Mine would absolutely not let that stand.

Ha! There are so many crazy stories that this doesn’t even make the top 100. Gotta pick your battles! I was just reminded of it because of PP’s post.

[Anonymous]

I too have some doozies....

Like my MIL sends all correspondence via snail mail (super old fashion) to Mrs. Son's Name. I never changed my last name and she simply cannot comprehend "how that works".

So many other stories, but a recent favorite is when FIL died and we all traveled to the funeral and stayed for Christmas. Afterward she said "it's so kind of you to let Son come for a visit with us". WTF we live a continent and an ocean away and as a family travel back 2-3x per year, plus it was Son's father and a funeral. DH can (and does) travel whenever/wherever he wants. He even takes the kids by himself sometimes. I totally ignore all MILs slights. She can't even take a break at her own husband's funeral.