For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

I try to be a good DIL but I absolutely hate and am so stressed by time spend with my ILs (FIL in particular is loud/ boring/ rigid/ imposes his preferences and views on everyone/ wont do any activity including walk anywhere/ amazingly unhealthy and MIL is like an ostrich when it comes to all problems and constantly making us go out of our way to do things that are incredibly inconvenient). Anyone else? Do you feel bad about it? When they are around I try hard to be a good host and polite but inside i am both miserable and also feel amazingly guilty that i feel how I feel.

[Anonymous]

No. I just worked on it and it got better.

[Anonymous]

Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

i have this too - ILs want to do every christmas and my parents dont get along with them/ want to stay together (and dont live nearby so have to travel to us) so my parents just never get christmas.

[Anonymous]

No. MIL has said some really awful things to DH and I throughout the past decades. We have asked nothing of her. People don't just forget what was said to them. She does not like that I am different than her, and takes it as a personal affront. Because it is all about her. Not my problem. She is supposed to be the voice of experience, warmth, kindness and wisdom, not a petulant, bitter child.

I am civil and pleasant, and try to encourage DH to see her more often, but her really doesn't want to. Nor does he care to call her, which I also try to encourage. I think he has come to see how normal, warm families act, and while no one's family is perfect, civil and pleasant is a reasonable baseline.

[Anonymous]

Zero guilt.

I should get a blog, but I’ve gone Gray Rock (thanks, dcum) after being screamed at (at a public event) by my MIL for not returning her phone call. This was well over a decade ago and the last straw for me.

I’m a childhood trauma survivor who was verbally abused by an alcoholic parent; I am a people pleaser and a sensitive soul. I avoid conflict and drama. This event with my MIL made me wake up and stop caring about her. She will not change, but I can and will and have.

No solo visits, no phone calls, no purchasing gifts, no deep conversations. I’ll be polite, chat, listen but give no details of my thoughts, opinions or offer insights. All surface.

I put up boundaries later when I should have done so upon getting married, but I’m not 22 anymore.

[Anonymous]

When my bipolar FIL was alive, I fulfilled what I perceived to be my social obligations: we did not visit often, but during visits, I listened to all his nonsense patiently, smiled and behaved like the docile DIL his conservative upbringing thought I should be. It brightened his otherwise difficult last days. Now my MIL is quite frail, again, we don't visit often, but when we do, I sit next to her and listen to all her many and perfectly legitimate complaints. It's the least I can do.

The key is distance and infrequency of visits. I can be the person they want me to be for a few hours on occasion. It wouldn't work if I had to do this regularly, so I certainly feel for all of you if you live near obstreperous family members!

[Anonymous]

I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

My FIL has a picture of DH and an old girlfriend displayed. It is so weird.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I’m polite but won’t go out of my way for them. There haven’t been any big horrible things, more like death by a thousand tiny cuts. I’m focused on supporting my own kids; I don’t have time for MIL’s drama and passive aggressive BS.

[Anonymous]

PP. Also my FIL and MIL are vain.

FIL (the photographer) photoshops any perceived flaw in his grandchildren’s photos. What flaws, you may wonder? One of my DC happened to lose several front baby teeth all around the same inconvenient time, before the holiday photo collage. FIL have DC a “perfect” smile. This year, DD18 wore a cropped sweater to a family gathering. Maybe 1/2 inch of skin showed in photo. FIL added 3 inches to sweater for suitable photo.

Another GC was born with a large port wine stain facial birthmark. There are no baby pictures of this GC. Photos only after surgery that ILs made certain happened ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I struggled with his for a long time. And while it feels awful to say this: it got so much better when my FIL died. He just imposed his will on everyone in his orbit and was incredibly rigid and entitled and difficult. When he passed, my relationship with my MIL got a million times better and I actually enjoy my time with her now. My DH's relationship with his brother also improved because it was no longer being governed by their dad, who was always trying to dictate how they felt about each other and how they interacted.

I feel guilty even saying this because it's awful, but the truth is that some people really do make family interactions so much harder, and when it's an older parent, you can feel like you are being held hostage to it because you are not going to change that person. My FIL was in his mid 60s when I met him. He was who he was. The rest of us just had to endure. I hope he feels more peace now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

so should your husband.

Are you saying we should put our feelings aside and let other people have their way as a way of living?
You're trying to normalize being a stepford wife.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

i have this too - ILs want to do every christmas and my parents dont get along with them/ want to stay together (and dont live nearby so have to travel to us) so my parents just never get christmas.

That's your fault. Adults make difficult decisions.