For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

My DH wants me to “adapt” to his parents as he and his siblings have. for them that means lovingly rolling their eyes, occasionally callling them out on their BS, and setting boundaries in a very subtle way that almost seems too subtle. I just can’t. I’d rather spend less time with them than do these things, which do not in any way change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I struggled with his for a long time. And while it feels awful to say this: it got so much better when my FIL died. He just imposed his will on everyone in his orbit and was incredibly rigid and entitled and difficult. When he passed, my relationship with my MIL got a million times better and I actually enjoy my time with her now. My DH's relationship with his brother also improved because it was no longer being governed by their dad, who was always trying to dictate how they felt about each other and how they interacted.

I feel guilty even saying this because it's awful, but the truth is that some people really do make family interactions so much harder, and when it's an older parent, you can feel like you are being held hostage to it because you are not going to change that person. My FIL was in his mid 60s when I met him. He was who he was. The rest of us just had to endure. I hope he feels more peace now.

My FIL is similar but we’ve been married almost 20yrs and he is in his 80s now and same as always. He causes so many issues: is controlling and has very rigid ideas and such a difficult personality- complains to MIL and other siblings about any family member he disapproves of at the moment- causing all sorts of drama. Makes sibling relationships difficult and MIL so unhappy with all of his complaining and puts her in the middle- and because her kids/families visit less often than they otherwise would. DH says he has always been this way, and has/had a very rocky relationship with his own siblings for the same reasons (rigid, control issues, can’t keep disapproval to himself) - DH has barely ever met them or his cousins. The root of the problem is that FIL takes his religious observance/practices to an extreme and has some anxiety issues IMHO…

[Anonymous]

I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

It’s a package deal *for some.* My husband—before I met him—set a number of boundaries to distance himself from his abusive mother. I respected his autonomy and his feelings and have never pushed him to be closer, and have rejected all of their overtures to nudge him to be closer to them. It’s only a “package deal” if the spouse in question actually sees it that way. Do you get that? If I told DH that his family was a “package deal” and we had to go along with whatever they wanted, he would laugh and then drag me to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

My MIL flipped a switch when we got married. Like almost to the day. We had dated awhile, but always done holidays apart bc we each wanted to see our families. When we got married, we decided to rotate. She COULD NOT BELIEVE her son wasn’t going to be with her for Thanksgiving. She was such a pill about holidays and gatherings the first few years we were married, she ruined our relationship.

So, while I did know she had some bumps before we got married, I did not realize what little emotional work she’d done in the lead up to our wedding. The fact that I had a family was offensive to her, and I don’t think she fully realized it until our wedding day.

It’s been 15 years and I don’t think I will ever forget how poorly she treated me during those early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not like my MIL from the beginning, but in the last several years she’s said some awful things (like asking me to step out of a family photo). Honestly it was the nicest thing she could have done. It erased any guilt.
It’s harder if they are just moderately shitty/annoying.

Oh, PP!

DH and I have been married 26 years, 4DC. My ILs have pictures of DH and the grandchildren everywhere in their house.
FIL is a hobby photographer- so just imagine the framed photos and collages on every flat surface.

You’d think DH was widowed or a single father as there are no photographs of me. I’ve looked.

Thank you for making me lough ! Same thing happened to me (photos of my DH and our kids, BIL, his wife and their kids everywhere, but no photos of me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

We got married young-24/25. I’d met my ILs 4 times at that point. We live across the country from them and being in grad school meant we had little spare money to fly there. I’d been to their home once and the other 3 meetings were chaotic family events- graduations and a wedding. The crazy didn’t start to really appear until after we got married simply because of distance and the fact we didn’t I’ve together so I wasn’t privy to the conversations my now husband would have with via phone.

[Anonymous]

I was the accommodating new wife for too long. DH can have whatever relationship he wants with his parents and I'm not required to be a part of it (as the buffer, as pp said). I used to feel guilty because everyone acted like I was wrong for not playing my part in the family dysfunction, but my job isn't to make sure no one is ever upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the accommodating new wife for too long. DH can have whatever relationship he wants with his parents and I'm not required to be a part of it (as the buffer, as pp said). I used to feel guilty because everyone acted like I was wrong for not playing my part in the family dysfunction, but my job isn't to make sure no one is ever upset.

I like your style and attitude, PP!

Words of wisdom here. I’ve got my own dysfunctional family of origin to contend with and there’s really no room for IL-related drama and dysfunction and overall weirdness.

DH can and will handle his parents and I’ll deal with mine. If I need help or his opinion, I’ll ask but otherwise we are trying so hard to stay in each other’s respective lanes here.

My parents are significantly older and thus more needy, while his are defiantly “ageless,” assume they’ll live forever and are living accordingly (in denial/refuse to talk about health/future planning or savings). I really think DH is watching me and wondering how he’ll handle dealing with fragile, elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

It is a package deal for YOU. Everyone else can decide what kind of relationships they want with in-laws. It is called being adults with mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

Nah. Frankly parents' roles with their kids change when kids marry. Kids no longer are your nuclear family and they're building their own family. Parents move into a friend role vs an active parenting role. Some parents are rigid and unable to change, particularly moms of sons because they're so used to doing everything for the son.

Also, a lot of parents lose their minds when grandkids come into the picture. I felt kind of abandoned before we had kids and then all of a sudden, EVERYONE wanted us for every single holiday. We spent our 20s having fun together, enjoying being married, traveling a lot. When we had kids, people were straight up offended that we'd go on a vacation with our kids and not invite them. And how dare we travel to a different country when we could be traveling to them instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the accommodating new wife for too long. DH can have whatever relationship he wants with his parents and I'm not required to be a part of it (as the buffer, as pp said). I used to feel guilty because everyone acted like I was wrong for not playing my part in the family dysfunction, but my job isn't to make sure no one is ever upset.

I like your style and attitude, PP!

Words of wisdom here. I’ve got my own dysfunctional family of origin to contend with and there’s really no room for IL-related drama and dysfunction and overall weirdness.

DH can and will handle his parents and I’ll deal with mine. If I need help or his opinion, I’ll ask but otherwise we are trying so hard to stay in each other’s respective lanes here.

My parents are significantly older and thus more needy, while his are defiantly “ageless,” assume they’ll live forever and are living accordingly (in denial/refuse to talk about health/future planning or savings). I really think DH is watching me and wondering how he’ll handle dealing with fragile, elderly parents.

This was our story. My dad had a long illness, my mom is very needy. DH's parents skated along for many, many years. Now that the tables have turned, my ILs seem stunned and mad that age has come for them too. I am so relieved that I'm not in the middle of the storm this time.

[Anonymous]

Nope..not at all. Limited contact and could care less. 😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think people would realize that they choose their inlaws when they choose the inlaw's child. Especially now that most people don't marry until they are well into their 20s or more likely in their 30s. Seems like people that old ought to realize it's a package deal and there could be a lot of strife in your life if you accept difficult people as your inlaws. But, I guess most people aren't willing to pass on a person who has difficult parents even though they may have an inkling that there will be a hefty price to pay.

Nah. Frankly parents' roles with their kids change when kids marry. Kids no longer are your nuclear family and they're building their own family. Parents move into a friend role vs an active parenting role. Some parents are rigid and unable to change, particularly moms of sons because they're so used to doing everything for the son.

Also, a lot of parents lose their minds when grandkids come into the picture. I felt kind of abandoned before we had kids and then all of a sudden, EVERYONE wanted us for every single holiday. We spent our 20s having fun together, enjoying being married, traveling a lot. When we had kids, people were straight up offended that we'd go on a vacation with our kids and not invite them. And how dare we travel to a different country when we could be traveling to them instead.

Your second paragraph is SO spot-on. Always thought I got super lucky with the ILs until we had kids. Now we are being accused of withholding the grandchildren when we’ve never done that, are trying to give equal time to both sets of grandparents, while both working FT and juggle kids activities. It’s been such a turnoff and I feel for my husband, he is definitely embarrassed by his mom’s behavior in particular.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel guilty, but I absolutely can't stand my MIL and she is constantly over here. I feel more resentful than anything else. I pat myself on the back for managing to be civil, and leave it at that.