For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

My MIL thinks she was/is the parent of the century and knows everything about child rearing. Every one of her kids, except my spouse, are low functioning, never married adults. My spouse is very successful but still has a few issues you directly trace back to how they were raised. Whenever she’s here for more than a few days, I have to constantly hear her chastise my children. I’m like, look who’s giving out advice, the one with the f’d up adult children. I grin and bear it and feel just a sliver of guilt. She’s insecure and is trying to come across a certain way. I see right through it.

[Anonymous]

What are the in-laws thinking when they play the photo game??

1. Son with Old Girlfriend. "Maybe leaving this around will remind him of what he's missing by being married for the past twenty-five years to that hussy he met in law school"

2. Son with Children. "Let me help him visualize how great his family would look if he'd just dump the mother of his three children."

3. Son with Children and Grandma: "This is the perfect family unit."

[Anonymous]

I just focus on supporting my DH and letting him have whatever relationship he wants with them. The sticking point for me is that they are uninvolved grandparents, which my DS has noticed as he has gotten older. They have also never shown any real interest in me as a person. So I don't feel close to them, but I also don't want DH to have any regrets about his relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL thinks she was/is the parent of the century and knows everything about child rearing. Every one of her kids, except my spouse, are low functioning, never married adults. My spouse is very successful but still has a few issues you directly trace back to how they were raised. Whenever she’s here for more than a few days, I have to constantly hear her chastise my children. I’m like, look who’s giving out advice, the one with the f’d up adult children. I grin and bear it and feel just a sliver of guilt. She’s insecure and is trying to come across a certain way. I see right through it.

Yeah, you need to stop letting her do that.

The MIL of a good friend of mine would harp on their teenage daughter for the (perfectly standard teenage) clothes she wore, her not being religious etc. His wife always told him to let it go, until he lost it one visit, and told MIL to pack her stuff, and he took her back to the airport. Her behavior improved after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the in-laws thinking when they play the photo game??

1. Son with Old Girlfriend. "Maybe leaving this around will remind him of what he's missing by being married for the past twenty-five years to that hussy he met in law school"

2. Son with Children. "Let me help him visualize how great his family would look if he'd just dump the mother of his three children."

3. Son with Children and Grandma: "This is the perfect family unit."

In my case (#1), FIL is just BSC and mean. This is the mean side coming out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the in-laws thinking when they play the photo game??

1. Son with Old Girlfriend. "Maybe leaving this around will remind him of what he's missing by being married for the past twenty-five years to that hussy he met in law school"

2. Son with Children. "Let me help him visualize how great his family would look if he'd just dump the mother of his three children."

3. Son with Children and Grandma: "This is the perfect family unit."

PP w/ zero photos @ IL’s house.

In our case, DH only has a younger brother who is divorced and a single parent. Was married under 5 years. No photos of ex SIL, so why would they have photos of a DW? Keep things even and no awkward explanations needed: it’s all about our sons and GC.

Also, grandparents sent out their own photo Grandparent Announcements with photo out our firstborn. Every holiday thereafter, cards sent with only the grandparents aside GC or just GC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

i have this too - ILs want to do every christmas and my parents dont get along with them/ want to stay together (and dont live nearby so have to travel to us) so my parents just never get christmas.

That's your fault. Adults make difficult decisions.

+1000

Why can’t you just tell your in-laws no for Christmas? You really can, you know. It’s okay to ONLY spend Christmas with your side. It’s also okay to ONLY spend Christmas with just your nuclear family. Adults make these decisions all the time. It’s really fun being an adult who gets to decide how to arrange the special and limited holidays with minor children.

[Anonymous]

Some of these posters are so spot on with their nearly identical experiences. I tried, I really really tried. None of my frustrations were over petty stuff like holidays or family traditions. It's more about in-laws who have spent the past twenty years reclusive, irritable, antisocial and so downright bizarre that it's obvious there are bigger problems at play.

I wanted to overlook this for the sake of the grandkids, but every.single.thing was so excruciatingly difficult that I eventually followed the age-old advice and stopped caring. They are uninvolved grandparents and don't know a single thing about me, which made it easier. I wanted a sliver of a normal in-law relationship and it took me a long time to realize that wouldn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL thinks she was/is the parent of the century and knows everything about child rearing. Every one of her kids, except my spouse, are low functioning, never married adults. My spouse is very successful but still has a few issues you directly trace back to how they were raised. Whenever she’s here for more than a few days, I have to constantly hear her chastise my children. I’m like, look who’s giving out advice, the one with the f’d up adult children. I grin and bear it and feel just a sliver of guilt. She’s insecure and is trying to come across a certain way. I see right through it.

+100
Yep. My DH is the only functioning sibling. MIL and FIL have five marriages between the two of them, and only two of the four offspring have held jobs. Their house is a ramshackle and they watch 12-14 hours of tv a day. My DH worked so hard to put himself on a different path...but please, MIL...come into my home and chastise and give advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. A lot of guilt. Often I wonder why I just can't put my own feelings aside and let them have their own way. So many times it's either they are happy or I am. For instance, they want every Christmas. I guess I could just go and be a passive participant in their Christmases every year and hope that one day I can host or plan Christmas for my kids. And never see my own family of origin on Christmas either.

Same with mothers day. I think this year I'm going to let DH travel down to his mom's house and I will celebrate with my kids. She won't be happy, but I think it's a good compromise. After all, it's mothers day, not grandmothers day, so the kids should spend it with me.

i have this too - ILs want to do every christmas and my parents dont get along with them/ want to stay together (and dont live nearby so have to travel to us) so my parents just never get christmas.

That's your fault. Adults make difficult decisions.

+1000

Why can’t you just tell your in-laws no for Christmas? You really can, you know. It’s okay to ONLY spend Christmas with your side. It’s also okay to ONLY spend Christmas with just your nuclear family. Adults make these decisions all the time. It’s really fun being an adult who gets to decide how to arrange the special and limited holidays with minor children.

What's the worst thing that can happen? You IL's will get upset and pitch a fit?

So what?

[Anonymous]

Nope, no guilt. There's some regret that we don't have a warmer relationship but I feel I've done all I can on that front and it's just not going to happen on their end. So I put in minimal effort, which works out fine.

[Anonymous]

My side of the street is clean with the in-laws, so I don't feel guilty at all when they act like children. My ILs have been divorced for nearly 30 years and attempt to use their kids as pawns in their lifelong drama. (My parents are long divorced too, so I get it.) I credit myself for helping to pull my husband out of the drama cycle.

[Anonymous]

No guilt. I just don’t like MIL. Mostly because she is very enmeshed with DH. She would try to give DH and I separately marriage advice. I had to create some boundaries- no talking to MIL about our issues.

DH would love a closer relationship with her. I’m polite when we’re together, but avoid it when I can. DH jokes that I’m just waiting it out until she dies. That’s mostly true. DH wanted her to live with us. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posters are so spot on with their nearly identical experiences. I tried, I really really tried. None of my frustrations were over petty stuff like holidays or family traditions. It's more about in-laws who have spent the past twenty years reclusive, irritable, antisocial and so downright bizarre that it's obvious there are bigger problems at play.

I wanted to overlook this for the sake of the grandkids, but every.single.thing was so excruciatingly difficult that I eventually followed the age-old advice and stopped caring. They are uninvolved grandparents and don't know a single thing about me, which made it easier. I wanted a sliver of a normal in-law relationship and it took me a long time to realize that wouldn't happen.

Agree. Early on I really felt the issue was me and that I needed to just learn to adapt better to DH's family. But one thing that started to reveal itself over time is that the things that were really hard about my ILs actually drove my DH even more crazy than me. Early on he would not have admitted that and I worked hard to overlook the rigidity, rudeness, unwelcoming behaviors out of respect for DH and wanting to have positive relationships with his family. But the further we got into building a good, functional family of our own, the more annoyed HE became with them.

In the end, he was the one who suggested we start staying in an AirBnB when we visited them, doing shorter visits, and visiting less often. At this point, I am the one who often has to encourage him to plan visits out of obligation. They really are the problem.

And lest you think I'm being smug about my own family, nope. I have two siblings who are frankly impossible and we rarely interact with them. My parents can also be a challenge but live far away -- we commit to one visit to them a year and they visit us once and I make sure they get plenty of FaceTime with grandkids. It works for us. I don't believe in cutting family out of your life unless they are literally abusing you. But strong boundaries and knowing your own limits? Absolutely. If your family is making you miserable, it's time to reduce the amount of time you spend with your family and/or change the way you interact with them. You don't just have to suffer.

[Anonymous]

I did used to feel guilty when I had to say no to ILs. Until recently I was framing my “nos” with apologies, because I’m a people pleaser, but I’ve done away with apologies and with all feelings of guilt after I finally am on to some unflattering personality traits of my MIL.