Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

Yeah, no. You can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself. He's not your prisoner.

[Anonymous]

I have been exactly where you are. For me it was October 2019 while we were in another city, discovered text, and dh had been seeing her off and on for 3 years (work colleague in another city). It was the most devastating experience of my life. Married 22 yesrs at the time, three kids.

A few thoughts

(1) I would only tell a girlfriend and not family in initial shock. Otherwise you are dealing with their shock too.
(2)I would tell him you both will deal with this when home and just muscle through. It is the worst thing ever. But you can do it.
(3) I would not let kids know until you know what you are doing and that may take months/ years.
(4) I would make an immediate appt for STD testing and not have sex until you do.
(5) I would believe him if he says he will do anything to make it back to you but also know You do not know yet if he has it in him to do this.
(6) I would assume he is NOT telling you the truth yet. ny husband was determined to make it back to me and truth still took months.
(7) he must commit to full transparency.
(8) He must end it immediately and no contact with her again ever. She is by definition also a horrible person and should not be newr your marriage,
(9) I am glad I told 3-5 friends as they were amazing, I also am glad I did not tell my family as they would not have ever been able to deal with him.
(10) eat, drink, sleep if you can
(11) tell him he ran you over witg a truck and it is his jobbto take care if you 100%
(12) make sure you get inti GOOD therapy — couples and individual, the person has to be trained correctly. He has a lot of individual work to figure out he could lie and cheat on the person he loves and why. My husband had to deal with his depression and childhood issues,
(13) Know that you are going tohave PTSD for a while
(14) Know that it takes 3-5 years ti recover minimum. So realize it is going to be hard for a while if you choose to work it out,
(15) Do not believe people who say it cannot work. Many cheaters do change but they have to change themselves.

So sorry — hugs and hugs,

[Anonymous]

You two can work this out, OP.

Therefore, don't tell anyone apart from people on anonymous forae, because it's highly awkward to spill to someone permanently in your life only to reconcile afterward.

[Anonymous]

^ if they want to be in the marriage, they will do this stuff willingly. Mine offered all of that without being asked, found a therapist and got to work. I didn’t ask for phone, computer, etc. I was given all of it immediately and the assurance of a post-nup if I wanted it.

The cheater’s actions are what is the most important thing. Not words or platitudes. And, going forward trust is earned- not given. Forgiveness is not readily given, time will tell if it’s deserved.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me when we were dating and of course it kept going. We had a couple of long talks where he explained that his mother abandoned him ( which is true) and his ex wife cheated on him (which I suspect is true but probably only after she realized he was cheating on her…). Anyway, I tried to wrap my brain around his fear of abandonment and the comfort he derived from knowing he could still attract women. Things were good for about ten years and he cheated now and then but always told me about it and I felt confident that his one night stands didn’t mean anything.

Now, 15 years after we got married, he wants a divorce. He met someone else and is leaving me for her.

There are going to be some people that will suggest you forgive him, you try to see his perspective, you accept his flaws, etc. I would have told you the same thing.

Now my advice is just to end it. The odds are good he is always going to cheat and he will eventually leave you. Leave now and try to heal, get some therapy, focus on making your kids feel secure and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you down the road.

For the next 48 hours do your best to put on a happy face in front of your kids and family - they might as well enjoy the rest of their trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been exactly where you are. For me it was October 2019 while we were in another city, discovered text, and dh had been seeing her off and on for 3 years (work colleague in another city). It was the most devastating experience of my life. Married 22 yesrs at the time, three kids.

A few thoughts

(1) I would only tell a girlfriend and not family in initial shock. Otherwise you are dealing with their shock too.
(2)I would tell him you both will deal with this when home and just muscle through. It is the worst thing ever. But you can do it.
(3) I would not let kids know until you know what you are doing and that may take months/ years.
(4) I would make an immediate appt for STD testing and not have sex until you do.
(5) I would believe him if he says he will do anything to make it back to you but also know You do not know yet if he has it in him to do this.
(6) I would assume he is NOT telling you the truth yet. ny husband was determined to make it back to me and truth still took months.
(7) he must commit to full transparency.
(8) He must end it immediately and no contact with her again ever. She is by definition also a horrible person and should not be newr your marriage,
(9) I am glad I told 3-5 friends as they were amazing, I also am glad I did not tell my family as they would not have ever been able to deal with him.
(10) eat, drink, sleep if you can
(11) tell him he ran you over witg a truck and it is his jobbto take care if you 100%
(12) make sure you get inti GOOD therapy — couples and individual, the person has to be trained correctly. He has a lot of individual work to figure out he could lie and cheat on the person he loves and why. My husband had to deal with his depression and childhood issues,
(13) Know that you are going tohave PTSD for a while
(14) Know that it takes 3-5 years ti recover minimum. So realize it is going to be hard for a while if you choose to work it out,
(15) Do not believe people who say it cannot work. Many cheaters do change but they have to change themselves.

So sorry — hugs and hugs,

Great advice! Also dealt with spouse’s long affair. It is a looonnngg road with many triggers along the way. Get therapy and somehow rest. Hold your head high, you are not to blame in any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me when we were dating and of course it kept going. We had a couple of long talks where he explained that his mother abandoned him ( which is true) and his ex wife cheated on him (which I suspect is true but probably only after she realized he was cheating on her…). Anyway, I tried to wrap my brain around his fear of abandonment and the comfort he derived from knowing he could still attract women. Things were good for about ten years and he cheated now and then but always told me about it and I felt confident that his one night stands didn’t mean anything.

Now, 15 years after we got married, he wants a divorce. He met someone else and is leaving me for her.

There are going to be some people that will suggest you forgive him, you try to see his perspective, you accept his flaws, etc. I would have told you the same thing.

Now my advice is just to end it. The odds are good he is always going to cheat and he will eventually leave you. Leave now and try to heal, get some therapy, focus on making your kids feel secure and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you down the road.

For the next 48 hours do your best to put on a happy face in front of your kids and family - they might as well enjoy the rest of their trip.

DP. And even if you forgive, the fear of spouse doing it again does not go away. Ever. You have seen what they are capable of and how good they were at deceit. I think it’s a very tiny, tiny few that truly stop and never do it again. My spouse did everything “right” after but I couldn’t live with waiting for the other show to stop again. It did a serious number on my mental health and my kids had no idea why I was randomly anxious or angry at times.

[Anonymous]

^other shoe to drop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Another option would be my SIL (Dhs brothers wife). She's one of my beat friends and a therapist professionally. I don't really think I care about "protecting" DH from his family at this point. They'd still love him anyway. Not sure if my family could ever bounce back from that info.

I think this is your best bet OP. Until you decide how to proceed you need to talk to someone who takes the pressure off of you. I personally wouldn’t tell my mother because her concern for me would be so overwhelming I wouldn’t have space to process. SIL is vested in your family and probably would know what to say to help.

[Anonymous]

What do you think his family will fix for you if you tell them? What’s the point?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I would tell his family at this point.

They may switch allegiance or have dual loyalty. A friend or your family if you have to talk on the trip.

So very sorry. You will get thru this. 🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think his family will fix for you if you tell them? What’s the point?

He can’t hide who he is and for w him to face it. Cheaters thrive on you keeping their dirty secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think his family will fix for you if you tell them? What’s the point?

He can’t hide who he is and for w him to face it. Cheaters thrive on you keeping their dirty secrets.

That’s true but it seems she’s looking for trusted friends to tell for support. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t look to his family for much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

Yeah, no. You can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself. He's not your prisoner.

For the next few days, while they are on the other side of the world and she has had a nuclear bomb dropped on her?

Yes, he is her prisoner. She sure as f**k can and should "control" his phone for the very few hours left in their trip. If he's not a complete fool, he'll see that, since he's already sobbing and begging, if he wants to make that act convincing, he'll hand over his phone for now. And she should take it and turn it all the way off and leave it that way. The other woman will be texting him and lose her mind that he's not texting her back. Plus: He and the OW won't be as easily able to cook up a tale about how it's "only" sexting. He will sweat. He should sweat. Sure, he'll get it back. But until they're home in the US in two days? Nope, not until then.

Yes, she gets to issue some ultimatums right now. Sorry if you think "you can't control anyone else." In the end you can't. But you missed that the entire post above yours is about the next few days only, and OP getting through each successive HOUR untll they are home. In her shoes I'd tell him if he doesn't hand over his phone (and any other means of communication with the OW like a tablet or whatever), she will take that as his admitting he will not stop texting the woman and wants to divorce OP. He, not OP, blew up this marriage; he can grovel and keep his mouth and his texting fingers to himself for two effing days while they end this trip, try to keep from imploding in front of the kids, and OP gets calm time to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Yep, you’re nuts

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

Yeah, no. You can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself. He's not your prisoner.

For the next few days, while they are on the other side of the world and she has had a nuclear bomb dropped on her?

Yes, he is her prisoner. She sure as f**k can and should "control" his phone for the very few hours left in their trip. If he's not a complete fool, he'll see that, since he's already sobbing and begging, if he wants to make that act convincing, he'll hand over his phone for now. And she should take it and turn it all the way off and leave it that way. The other woman will be texting him and lose her mind that he's not texting her back. Plus: He and the OW won't be as easily able to cook up a tale about how it's "only" sexting. He will sweat. He should sweat. Sure, he'll get it back. But until they're home in the US in two days? Nope, not until then.

Yes, she gets to issue some ultimatums right now. Sorry if you think "you can't control anyone else." In the end you can't. But you missed that the entire post above yours is about the next few days only, and OP getting through each successive HOUR untll they are home. In her shoes I'd tell him if he doesn't hand over his phone (and any other means of communication with the OW like a tablet or whatever), she will take that as his admitting he will not stop texting the woman and wants to divorce OP. He, not OP, blew up this marriage; he can grovel and keep his mouth and his texting fingers to himself for two effing days while they end this trip, try to keep from imploding in front of the kids, and OP gets calm time to think.