Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t run and tell Mommy. This is between you and your husband. Work it out.

F*ck off.

Op, you are going to need a lot of support. While I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell your mom while you are in vacation, you should pick one person to talk to. You know your mom best, if she can keep it together while you are on vacation, go ahead and tell her. If not, your therapist SIL might be a good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

[Anonymous]

Any chance she has travelled to see him? It has been easier to enter the US than Canada during the some of the Pandemic time. Really easy for her to travel to him if she is American who happened to be in Canada at the time of the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say they haven't seen each other for three years it doesn't sound so bad, but the fact is that is just what he told you, you don't really know the whole story.

I hope you can get the whole truth out when you get home and I hope you don't have a total breakdown on your family trip. What a mess! So sorry.

Yes to this.

I'm sorry, also, OP.

They met once but kept in contact for 3 years. What/who else DON'T you know about?

Try to keep it together until you're home.

[Anonymous]

If not already done, he needs to block her immediately. You need full access to his phone. Hell, give him yours too.

[Anonymous]

I also had a marriage crisis half way around the world. I never felt so alone. I wanted to call someone, but didn't. I was too embarrassed. I took several really long walks alone to ponder my feelings. It took several weeks after we returned to figure things out.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster whose husband had an OW 8k miles away.

It is definitely important that you tell *someone.* You need support. I did not tell my mom, but I told my sister and our best friends. You know best what the pros and cons are of telling different people. I do know some people who told their moms, but my mom is not very emotionally expressive and I know she just would have said, "Oh dear" and looked sad. Your relationship with your mom sounds more like the friends I have who told theirs. Your concern right now is for yourself and your kids. Your DH made this bed and he needs to lie in it, and part of that is having select people know what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m so sorry. Been there and this brought me right back. I would say you power through the trip and don’t make any decisions until you get home. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Send me home early with a madeup work or home repair issue if you have to. Do not tell anyone and put on your best face for the kids. Then get home and start the work of figuring this out. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You are just surviving.

This.
But the fact that he was still doing it days ago would push me over the edge. I could possibly forgive and move on from a one-time screw up from years ago. But days...nope. A PP was right-the sobbing is just disgusting manipulation.

[Anonymous]

If feeling up to it the only other person I would contact right now would be the other woman. While all is fresh. I would start with something small like “My wife has found out about us.” You might find out more than he is willing to share.

[Anonymous]

This is an emotional affair op. Not that it makes it better, and maybe it’s worse, but that’s what it is. I’m very sorry. I would not tell your mom in case you do decide to stay with him.

[Anonymous]

When I was ready to reach out to someone, I picked the least emotional and most levelheaded person in my family. One who could keep their mouth shut while I figured out what I wanted to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If feeling up to it the only other person I would contact right now would be the other woman. While all is fresh. I would start with something small like “My wife has found out about us.” You might find out more than he is willing to share.

I wholeheartedly agree. You do it before he has a chance to top her off and get her to corroborate. If she’s married, even better because she will be scared sh@t less you are going to tell her husband.

I did this and she hung up immediately when I said “I’m x’s wife”. I left a message that I knew where she lived and she could answer the phone or I’m coming over. Her voice was was waivering the entire time and I knew she had no warning. I had all the dirt at that point so knew where to push and what questions to ask to see if I was getting the truth. She didn’t know how much I knew and was shocked by the details I was told. You want the upper hand, and the element of shock.

Also, if she has a spouse- it’s two sets of eyes on the same problem.

But—this is for when u get back home. Until then take his phone and make sure he has no means to contact her to tip her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an emotional affair op. Not that it makes it better, and maybe it’s worse, but that’s what it is. I’m very sorry. I would not tell your mom in case you do decide to stay with him.

It was physical. Emotional is no sex. He had sex with this woman at least an entire work trip—if not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

You sound nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. With parents there too, awful.
Run search on phone before he deletes things to make sure you got whole story. As prior poster said, tears are more he got caught and less he hurt you or he wouldn’t have kept it up.

I did. I spent 3hrs on his phone before I woke him up. I screenshotted everything and sent it to myself in multiple locations.

I need someone to talk to. I'm highly considering calling my FIL. I don't want to tell my mom because we are all stuck here. I don't want to tell my friends until i have a game plan. My FIL and I are very close and he's a kind, rational father figure. Is this a horrible idea?

I would not talk to your FIL. Do you really think in the long term he will side with you over his own son?