Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me when we were dating and of course it kept going. We had a couple of long talks where he explained that his mother abandoned him ( which is true) and his ex wife cheated on him (which I suspect is true but probably only after she realized he was cheating on her…). Anyway, I tried to wrap my brain around his fear of abandonment and the comfort he derived from knowing he could still attract women. Things were good for about ten years and he cheated now and then but always told me about it and I felt confident that his one night stands didn’t mean anything.

Now, 15 years after we got married, he wants a divorce. He met someone else and is leaving me for her.

There are going to be some people that will suggest you forgive him, you try to see his perspective, you accept his flaws, etc. I would have told you the same thing.

Now my advice is just to end it. The odds are good he is always going to cheat and he will eventually leave you. Leave now and try to heal, get some therapy, focus on making your kids feel secure and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you down the road.

For the next 48 hours do your best to put on a happy face in front of your kids and family - they might as well enjoy the rest of their trip.

Please don't tell me you were selfish enough to have kids. And please tell me you're getting therapy for your obviously terrible self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

Eating him alive? Loves his wife? He has been keeping the contact and deception up for years.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a good idea to reach out to FIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, regarding using your SIL (his sister) as a sounding board right now -- please refrain for the moment. Your feelings are very raw. You and she are close and I do not doubt you when you say that, but you also are now in what are totally uncharted waters for you. This news affects not only your marriage but also your relationship with his family, HIS relationship with his family and much more. Ripples after ripples across what was a calm, happy surface of amarriage. I know you love and value your SIL and see her as a close friend, which is great, but you also may not be able to predict how she will react, or what she will feel she must pass along to your DH, if you turn to her for solace and support. I am not saying she'd side with him or betray you, but I'm saying she will be as gobsmacked as you are and may find it hard to believe, if she's close to him too, that her brother has done this exactly as you'll describe it to her.

Your mother is your friend, you note, but honestly, I would turn to a friend rather than anyone in either family, first. Yes, soon you will be confiding in your mother, but for now, is there anyone you can contact who is a reliable ear and a completely shut mouth, who has NO stake in this except as your friend? Because even loving mother and SIL do have stakes, and SIL's could be complicated ones. You need someone who is stakes free and who isn't going to potentially go off on DH (your mom?) or ask DH for his version right now (SIL). Someone outside the circle.

Thinking of you and hoping you have a safe, uneventful trip back home with his phone shut off and firmly in YOUR pocket the whole time. Or else he's lying and is still in contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

Eating him alive? Loves his wife? He has been keeping the contact and deception up for years.

+1

And he was discovered -- he did not confess of his own accord. He only melted into a blubbering mess of supposed contrition AFTER his wife accidentlly found him out. I'm not saying this is unfixable but it's not a good beginning to any fix, since this came to light only because he was sloppy, not because he was remorseful enough to stop without being discovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, regarding using your SIL (his sister) as a sounding board right now -- please refrain for the moment. Your feelings are very raw. You and she are close and I do not doubt you when you say that, but you also are now in what are totally uncharted waters for you. This news affects not only your marriage but also your relationship with his family, HIS relationship with his family and much more. Ripples after ripples across what was a calm, happy surface of amarriage. I know you love and value your SIL and see her as a close friend, which is great, but you also may not be able to predict how she will react, or what she will feel she must pass along to your DH, if you turn to her for solace and support. I am not saying she'd side with him or betray you, but I'm saying she will be as gobsmacked as you are and may find it hard to believe, if she's close to him too, that her brother has done this exactly as you'll describe it to her.

Your mother is your friend, you note, but honestly, I would turn to a friend rather than anyone in either family, first. Yes, soon you will be confiding in your mother, but for now, is there anyone you can contact who is a reliable ear and a completely shut mouth, who has NO stake in this except as your friend? Because even loving mother and SIL do have stakes, and SIL's could be complicated ones. You need someone who is stakes free and who isn't going to potentially go off on DH (your mom?) or ask DH for his version right now (SIL). Someone outside the circle.

Thinking of you and hoping you have a safe, uneventful trip back home with his phone shut off and firmly in YOUR pocket the whole time. Or else he's lying and is still in contact.

Sorry, I'm PP above and I see the SIL is DH's brother's wife and not his sister. But my thoughts still stand, OP. She may not be as close to your DH as if she were his sister, but depending on her own marriage and her DH, she may feel she has to side with her DH if he backs his cheating brother, or if he just says he's reserving judgement and expects her to reserve judgement too.

Go outside the family, both sides, and find a stakes-free friend who is ONLY there for you and you alone, OP. I really hope you have someone like that you can turn to.

[Anonymous]

OP, basically, you are entitled to do anything you want, but I agree not to make any hasty or life-altering decisions until you get back home, have talked with a trusted attorney, therapist, and neutral third party (not family or friends, but you can talk to them too--but they might be too emotionally invested to give you the best advice).

Also, you need to stay physically safe--try to avoid alcohol or drugs if at all possible and obviously don't drive if you indulge.

Avoid binging on food, shopping, Netflix, social media, and other forms of excessive escapism.

You need to indulge in some serious self-care--physically, mentally and emotionally.

You need to get into fact-gathering mode and that's going to take quite a bit of time.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you stop worrying about who to tell your big news to and confide in a lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you stop worrying about who to tell your big news to and confide in a lawyer?

She is far away from home and trying to figure out a means of being emotionally supported while she struggles to cope through the next 48 hours or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

Eating him alive? Loves his wife? He has been keeping the contact and deception up for years.

+1

And he was discovered -- he did not confess of his own accord. He only melted into a blubbering mess of supposed contrition AFTER his wife accidentlly found him out. I'm not saying this is unfixable but it's not a good beginning to any fix, since this came to light only because he was sloppy, not because he was remorseful enough to stop without being discovered.

It’s an addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

Yeah, no. You can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself. He's not your prisoner.

For the next few days, while they are on the other side of the world and she has had a nuclear bomb dropped on her?

Yes, he is her prisoner. She sure as f**k can and should "control" his phone for the very few hours left in their trip. If he's not a complete fool, he'll see that, since he's already sobbing and begging, if he wants to make that act convincing, he'll hand over his phone for now. And she should take it and turn it all the way off and leave it that way. The other woman will be texting him and lose her mind that he's not texting her back. Plus: He and the OW won't be as easily able to cook up a tale about how it's "only" sexting. He will sweat. He should sweat. Sure, he'll get it back. But until they're home in the US in two days? Nope, not until then.

Yes, she gets to issue some ultimatums right now. Sorry if you think "you can't control anyone else." In the end you can't. But you missed that the entire post above yours is about the next few days only, and OP getting through each successive HOUR untll they are home. In her shoes I'd tell him if he doesn't hand over his phone (and any other means of communication with the OW like a tablet or whatever), she will take that as his admitting he will not stop texting the woman and wants to divorce OP. He, not OP, blew up this marriage; he can grovel and keep his mouth and his texting fingers to himself for two effing days while they end this trip, try to keep from imploding in front of the kids, and OP gets calm time to think.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

Wtf. It has not been eating him alive for 3 years. He continued to text and sext with the other woman for 3 years. Only regret is getting caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, from your DH’s perspective, this has been eating him alive for three years and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He is addicted to the affair hormones (like any addict), AND he loves you. Discovery will force his hand, and he will have to decide whether he’s able to cut this off or not. His initial reaction gives me hope. I am rooting for your family in the long term. In the short term, you need to do whatever you need to do, and that could include asking him to temporarily move out. That’s probably what I’d do.

Eating him alive? Loves his wife? He has been keeping the contact and deception up for years.

+1

And he was discovered -- he did not confess of his own accord. He only melted into a blubbering mess of supposed contrition AFTER his wife accidentlly found him out. I'm not saying this is unfixable but it's not a good beginning to any fix, since this came to light only because he was sloppy, not because he was remorseful enough to stop without being discovered.

It’s an addiction.

Yes, and?

That doesn't make his wife any less of a victim of his behaviors.

Are you one of those who likes to claim that the dopamine high or whatever from cheating is an addiction on par with a substance addiction so the cheater lacks control over his actions?

[Anonymous]

Do you really believe he hasn't met up with her somewhere in three years. that sounds like BS. Anyhow, a three year long emotional affair is pretty bad too.