Is it rude to use airpods at my inlaws on Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Have you actually experienced this first hand? If not, than you truly have no idea that this approach does not go over well. If you have, then maybe you should take some of the ideas from previous posts. Definitely help in the kitchen with serving and clean up. Take your time eating and observing how everyone acts, help with the dishes. Also, bring a popular American dish or dessert to serve. Chill in front of the TV with some people. A fave of mine is hanging with the babies/toddlers, then just want to smile and giggle.

I've been at this for over 20 years now and I do it as an act of love for my husband. And guess what, his family notices and I also feel loved by them. Even though it's not in English, I get hugs and English phrases and plates of food brought to me and compliments translated by the younger generation. Andy my kids have a connection with their extended family.

My husband also truly appreciated this all through the years and after the visits, I got the next day to myself to relax as a thank you. You can choose to approach this positively.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't use airpods/headphones, but if you can't participate in the conversation it's reasonable to have something else to do- it's cheesy but I might bring a puzzle to work on and turn on a holiday movie or some music, so people can pop over and join if they want but you don't come accross as rude. The prior ideas about taking a walk, a nap, volunteering to clean up or run errands, etc. are all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

That's fine, but you wouln't talk to your family members in English, even to catch up with your grown kids that you don't see often, in case the guest doesn't understand? Would the guest even want that?
My in-laws sometimes lapse into their other language and it doesn't bother me at all. The difference is most do speak English so I'm included in much of their conversation. But if they want to talk about what the people who were neighbors in the old neighborhood and their kids are doing now, or whatever, it's ok with me that I'm not included. If the grandmother who barely speaks English wants to talk to her grandchild, my husband, in the language that she knows, that is fine with me. Sometimes my husband will translate for me, but that's a burden, when all she wants to do really is reminisce about when he was the smartest, cutest, most polite, best (to her, anyway) baby and the funny little cute things he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not judging you with this question, but have you tried learning their language?

I bet you would pick it up pretty quick with daily practice, and that 'immersive' family experience

Ha! I’ve been married into a non-English speaking family for 10 years now, speak one foreign language fluently and can muddle through basics in two more, but I think you’re wildly underestimating how hard it is to actually become conversational in another language for the average person. For me to reach conversational language skills in my fluent language, it took years of academic study + living fully immersed in the language for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Nobody disagrees with you that OP shouldn’t have to sit nodding for 9 hours. The disagreement is about what OP should do instead. AirPods wall you off and are rude. Doesn’t matter if anybody thinks them speaking their language is rude—matching one wrong with another isn’t the way to go with family. Instead, bring a book, your phone or iPad, take a walk, even leave early.

[Anonymous]

Just play on your phone occasionally. I do this with my in laws, but they speak english. They just watch sports all the time and I don't care.

[Anonymous]

I think pulling out a device is definitely not rude because it doesn't look pre-planned & isn't putting up a barrier to conversation. I think if you're planning to actually use airpods, you need to go into another room so you're not doing it right in front of people. That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with going for a walk or taking a break in another room. No one will take it personally, because they'll have no idea where you are.

[Anonymous]

Go for a walk. Listen to your airpods on the walk. It is rude to have them in around other people.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the people who thinks one airpod isn't rude. I don't get the argument of airpods making someone walled off and untouchable, but that physically leaving is better. If you have one airpod in, you can still hear. You're there to laugh along if someone does something funny or participate if someone wants to include you. If you leave, you don't even have that. For me it feels incredibly rude to interrupt someone reading.

I really like the suggestion someone made of bringing a puzzle. That would be something people could do with OP off and on, wouldn't require discussion or a lot of time, but could give the bond of doing something together.

It feels like a lot of people here have never been stuck in a room for hours as the only one who speaks a different language. It's not the same thing as going to a party and choosing not to participate. It's more like going to a pool party with no swimsuit (or you cant get in the water for some other reason). You don't want to demand other people get out of the pool to entertain you, but it's boring af to sit there and watch people but not be able to interact with them. No one's going to give you grief if you entertain yourself.

[Anonymous]

Airpods are just rude in general unless you truly are by yourself (as in, exercising, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the people who thinks one airpod isn't rude. I don't get the argument of airpods making someone walled off and untouchable, but that physically leaving is better. If you have one airpod in, you can still hear. You're there to laugh along if someone does something funny or participate if someone wants to include you. If you leave, you don't even have that. For me it feels incredibly rude to interrupt someone reading.

I really like the suggestion someone made of bringing a puzzle. That would be something people could do with OP off and on, wouldn't require discussion or a lot of time, but could give the bond of doing something together.

It feels like a lot of people here have never been stuck in a room for hours as the only one who speaks a different language. It's not the same thing as going to a party and choosing not to participate. It's more like going to a pool party with no swimsuit (or you cant get in the water for some other reason). You don't want to demand other people get out of the pool to entertain you, but it's boring af to sit there and watch people but not be able to interact with them. No one's going to give you grief if you entertain yourself.

One AirPod suffers from the same stigma as two AirPods. You may not think so, but most do.

[Anonymous]

You could get Bluetooth hearing aids and people wouldn't even know you're listening to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Airpods are just rude in general unless you truly are by yourself (as in, exercising, etc)

Please tell me more about the rules of airpods. What if I'm exercising in a public gym? Grocery shopping? On the train? At a museum? Alone in my home? At home alone with a repair person? In a waiting room (one airpod so you can hear your name called)? At a restaurant alone?

This really strikes me as more of a perception issue than a practical issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

Did OP say no one ever speaks a word of English to her? No. But the conversation naturally drifts to the common language. I honestly think you have no experience with this kind of scenario and that’s why you don’t get it. No group is ever going to muddle through a whole day in a language that is not the common language of the majority just so the two people who can’t speak it don’t feel awkward.

Okay, well, if you're going to ignore someone 90% of the time, you can't clutch your pearls when they find other ways to entertain themselves. No one is going to sit, smiling moonily as they stare into the distance, while around them everyone chatters in another language. You can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Airpods are just rude in general unless you truly are by yourself (as in, exercising, etc)

If no one is talking to you, they're not rude. Include me and I'll remove my airpods. Drone on and on in a language I can't understand, and I'm doing what I want.