Is it rude to use airpods at my inlaws on Christmas?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More than 3 hours of togetherness is too much. Too much for anyone. Everyone should have substantial breaks from each other. Ideally away, not just tuned-out.

It's too much!

OP - what you should do is foster a dog over the holidays. Then every 45 minutes or so you can take the dog for a walk. Walk for half an hour to an hour. Come back for another 45 minutes. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Have you actually experienced this first hand? If not, than you truly have no idea that this approach does not go over well. If you have, then maybe you should take some of the ideas from previous posts. Definitely help in the kitchen with serving and clean up. Take your time eating and observing how everyone acts, help with the dishes. Also, bring a popular American dish or dessert to serve. Chill in front of the TV with some people. A fave of mine is hanging with the babies/toddlers, then just want to smile and giggle.

I've been at this for over 20 years now and I do it as an act of love for my husband. And guess what, his family notices and I also feel loved by them. Even though it's not in English, I get hugs and English phrases and plates of food brought to me and compliments translated by the younger generation. Andy my kids have a connection with their extended family.

My husband also truly appreciated this all through the years and after the visits, I got the next day to myself to relax as a thank you. You can choose to approach this positively.

Good for you? I'm not sacrificing all of my Christmases sitting there, ignored, for 9+ hours. It's just not happening.
I had a big, extended immigrant family who we spent a long time with on Holidays (from Christmas to Memorial Day). The language was not an issue, obviously, but the family obligation part I am familiar with. I'm not sure why that is relevant to OP having boundaries, to DH "positively" approaching this on his wife's behalf as an "act of love" for her. He's a big an a-- as they are allowing this to go down like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Nobody disagrees with you that OP shouldn’t have to sit nodding for 9 hours. The disagreement is about what OP should do instead. AirPods wall you off and are rude. Doesn’t matter if anybody thinks them speaking their language is rude—matching one wrong with another isn’t the way to go with family. Instead, bring a book, your phone or iPad, take a walk, even leave early.

I don't see airpods as any more rude than reading, sitting zoned out on your phone or LEAVING THE HOUSE on a walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - why does everyone think I have a room at their home? I don't have a room there. They live an hour from us. Taking walks has to be worse than airpods - I mean, that's basically walking out of the house. This is not an American Christmas where people do their own thing. One is expected to be visible, even when being ignored. Like furniture.

They have caterers, staff, but you don't have a guest room you stay in?
This is an intriguing culture. Are you put up in the harem, and husband outside with the fighting men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - why does everyone think I have a room at their home? I don't have a room there. They live an hour from us. Taking walks has to be worse than airpods - I mean, that's basically walking out of the house. This is not an American Christmas where people do their own thing. One is expected to be visible, even when being ignored. Like furniture.

They have caterers, staff, but you don't have a guest room you stay in?
This is an intriguing culture. Are you put up in the harem, and husband outside with the fighting men?

But....why would I need a room? I just said that they live nearby. We don't stay overnight or anything. Back when I was still nursing a baby I remember insisting on having a room somewhere to do it in, and going upstairs now and then with the baby, and I also remember that they were annoyed with me for being up there so long and thought it was kind of antisocial. As if furniture can be antisocial.

[Anonymous]

What about a puzzle? Or card games like Uno that dont require a lot of language?

[Anonymous]

Well, even with same language, people do feel bored during long family get togethers but they manage. You can too but you've to be more interested/interesting, engaged and less judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a puzzle? Or card games like Uno that dont require a lot of language?

This^ and similar creative ideas can help you have a good time and develop social ties.

[Anonymous]

Take up knitting, embroidery or crochet, just for this day. I doubt, its too hard to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, even with same language, people do feel bored during long family get togethers but they manage. You can too but you've to be more interested/interesting, engaged and less judgmental.

How can OP be interested in a conversation they can't understand? Would you be interested in sitting through multiple films in a language you don't understand? Oh, you wouldn't? Why ever not?

[Anonymous]

It’s the ‘20s for goodness sake! Absolutely it’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Checking back on this thread, I see it’s become even more ludicrous.

Yes op, apparently it’s incredibly rude to wear one AirPod for a while at a 9 hour family gathering where no one is speaking your language.

So instead, in preparation for this gathering:
1) Learn to knit or crochet and take it up as your new hobby
2) Learn the language and speak it for 9 hours at this gathering
3) Get a dog, bring the dog to the party, and then go out and take it for a walk every few hours
4) Ask for a guest room addition to the house so you can go take a nap

But whatever you do, don’t wear an AirPod. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, even with same language, people do feel bored during long family get togethers but they manage. You can too but you've to be more interested/interesting, engaged and less judgmental.

How can OP be interested in a conversation they can't understand? Would you be interested in sitting through multiple films in a language you don't understand? Oh, you wouldn't? Why ever not?

Well, foreign language films really can open you up to a whole new world. If OP can't skip altogether or leave early then she better find ways to engage and get others engaged. May be just learn the darn language.

[Anonymous]

Why not honestly say that I don't understand what y'all are talking about so can i watch tv or leave early? I don't want to be rude by having everyone switch to english when you arr more comfortable in your language.