Is it rude to use airpods at my inlaws on Christmas?

[Anonymous]

More than 3 hours of togetherness is too much. Too much for anyone. Everyone should have substantial breaks from each other. Ideally away, not just tuned-out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

Did OP say no one ever speaks a word of English to her? No. But the conversation naturally drifts to the common language. I honestly think you have no experience with this kind of scenario and that’s why you don’t get it. No group is ever going to muddle through a whole day in a language that is not the common language of the majority just so the two people who can’t speak it don’t feel awkward.

Okay, well, if you're going to ignore someone 90% of the time, you can't clutch your pearls when they find other ways to entertain themselves. No one is going to sit, smiling moonily as they stare into the distance, while around them everyone chatters in another language. You can't have it both ways.

Of course! OP should occupy herself. No one in this thread is “trying to have it both ways.” It’s just a question of if some ways of entertaining herself are impolite.

[Anonymous]

OP, it would really help if you would take up knitting

[Anonymous]

to be there and yet not be there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would really help if you would take up knitting

OP here - you know, this strikes me as a good idea. I've never knit, but it does seem to occupy people in a way that is more socially acceptable. I remember professors who knitted during class.

[Anonymous]

I knit and I think that would be rude. Not as rude as AirPods. AirPods or knitting in a room with others is rude. Not rude:

Talking a walk
Disappearing to your room for a bit
Making cookies or whatever else in the kitchen
Taking another walk, be sure to invite anyone who wants to join
Volunteering for any errands that come up

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Have you actually experienced this first hand? If not, than you truly have no idea that this approach does not go over well. If you have, then maybe you should take some of the ideas from previous posts. Definitely help in the kitchen with serving and clean up. Take your time eating and observing how everyone acts, help with the dishes. Also, bring a popular American dish or dessert to serve. Chill in front of the TV with some people. A fave of mine is hanging with the babies/toddlers, then just want to smile and giggle.

I've been at this for over 20 years now and I do it as an act of love for my husband. And guess what, his family notices and I also feel loved by them. Even though it's not in English, I get hugs and English phrases and plates of food brought to me and compliments translated by the younger generation. Andy my kids have a connection with their extended family.

My husband also truly appreciated this all through the years and after the visits, I got the next day to myself to relax as a thank you. You can choose to approach this positively.

OP here - I've tried every one of those things. The baby one is the only one that worked, until the baby grew up and started playing on his phone and ignoring everyone. Helping with dishes and such is a no-go because there are maids or caterers for that. I tried it anyway a couple of times, because I felt more comfortable with the "help," but it didn't go over well. Popular American dishes are also frowned upon, and will not be either served or eaten. It's considered insulting to bring such things. The hosts always set the TV to a news station or music station from their country. Sounds like your husband's family is a bit more relaxed than mine. I'm thinking to take up knitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knit and I think that would be rude. Not as rude as AirPods. AirPods or knitting in a room with others is rude. Not rude:

Talking a walk
Disappearing to your room for a bit
Making cookies or whatever else in the kitchen
Taking another walk, be sure to invite anyone who wants to join
Volunteering for any errands that come up

I want to amend this to say I think knitting is okay as a multiple night guest if the host is reading the paper or something like that. But if everyone is in the living room talking, no matter what language, it’s impolite.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

Did OP say no one ever speaks a word of English to her? No. But the conversation naturally drifts to the common language. I honestly think you have no experience with this kind of scenario and that’s why you don’t get it. No group is ever going to muddle through a whole day in a language that is not the common language of the majority just so the two people who can’t speak it don’t feel awkward.

Okay, well, if you're going to ignore someone 90% of the time, you can't clutch your pearls when they find other ways to entertain themselves. No one is going to sit, smiling moonily as they stare into the distance, while around them everyone chatters in another language. You can't have it both ways.

Of course! OP should occupy herself. No one in this thread is “trying to have it both ways.” It’s just a question of if some ways of entertaining herself are impolite.

AirPods are not impolite. If someone wants to talk to OP, I feel certain they will remove them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knit and I think that would be rude. Not as rude as AirPods. AirPods or knitting in a room with others is rude. Not rude:

Talking a walk
Disappearing to your room for a bit
Making cookies or whatever else in the kitchen
Taking another walk, be sure to invite anyone who wants to join
Volunteering for any errands that come up

If OP is taking multiple walks, staying in their room, or (my favorite) running errands for the people who are actively ignoring them, what is the point of their attendance at this function?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knit and I think that would be rude. Not as rude as AirPods. AirPods or knitting in a room with others is rude. Not rude:

Talking a walk
Disappearing to your room for a bit
Making cookies or whatever else in the kitchen
Taking another walk, be sure to invite anyone who wants to join
Volunteering for any errands that come up

This is a good list. I would add knitting to it. The puzzle idea is also good.

But airpods are not a good option.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but I’d peace out for many hours, and go to the spa or get my nails done. You are clearly not really wanted at this event, so why pretend? Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but I’d peace out for many hours, and go to the spa or get my nails done. You are clearly not really wanted at this event, so why pretend? Take care of yourself.

Because I want to stay married. It's dreadful, but only a couple of times a year. At one time, the belief was that we would move in with them after we were married, but I had to put my foot down about that one. By comparison, these mini-torture holidays are not so bad I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP here - why does everyone think I have a room at their home? I don't have a room there. They live an hour from us. Taking walks has to be worse than airpods - I mean, that's basically walking out of the house. This is not an American Christmas where people do their own thing. One is expected to be visible, even when being ignored. Like furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - why does everyone think I have a room at their home? I don't have a room there. They live an hour from us. Taking walks has to be worse than airpods - I mean, that's basically walking out of the house. This is not an American Christmas where people do their own thing. One is expected to be visible, even when being ignored. Like furniture.

They have caterers, staff, but you don't have a guest room you stay in?
This is an intriguing culture. Are you put up in the harem, and husband outside with the fighting men?