Is it rude to use airpods at my inlaws on Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Not a good look. It would be better just to read something on screen or even scroll your phone, so that you are available. Or go take a "nap" or a walk or anything that is more culturally acceptable to the people around you.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand how bored you must be but agree it comes across as very rude. I’d try

- making myself very busy to be helpful - pick up left behind plates, refill glasses, wash dishes etc. It gives you something to do for awhile (I’m an introvert and do this just to avoid hours of small talk at events like this)
- go on a walk with your son. Or yourself saying you’re good to check in on your family for Xmas
- offer to go pick up a round of Starbucks
- go home earlier with your son with your spouses blessing
- bring an easy game for a few people to play
- put on a Xmas movie in a room other than the main area (but still where a couple people might be for a break from socializing)

Something about earphones does come across as particularly stand-off-ish and checked out. I’d rather go all in for 4 hours (one hours talk, 2 hours finding ways to keep myself busy, one hour for meal or whatever) and then head out

[Anonymous]

Is there a quieter room where you and DS can go and watch a movie together? My FIL and BIL, who speak perfect English along with the rest of my family, can be found watching football all day on Christmas. No one is offended.

[Anonymous]

This post and some other recent ones make me wonder if it is just DCUM that seems overly invested in "manners" over kindness, or if that's a reflection of how people are in real life.

IMO, real manners are all about kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness and consideration of others. Fake "manners" are adhering to some arbitrary rules of behavior, even if it causes that person great discomfort.

OP putting on airpod could be considered a kindness to his hosts for not spending the full 9 hours trying to accommodate his inability to speak their native tongue. Because if we really want to talk about what is rude and what is not - you might say the in laws are rude for leaving him out of the conversation by carrying on as if he is not there, instead of trying to speak in English in front of him.

But OP, thankfully, is not adhering to some arbitrary rules of manners - and does not consider the in laws' behavior rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I surf the web and read books at my ILs, with their blessing, but I don't block my ears with stuff, in case someone starts a conversation with me. I don't want to be rude.

Sorry, OP, but I think earbuds are not appropriate in this situation. Think of all the thing you could do in the reading department!

This. I always bring a knitting project too. That way I can knit, half watch TV, drink wine and talk to anyone who comes around to chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post and some other recent ones make me wonder if it is just DCUM that seems overly invested in "manners" over kindness, or if that's a reflection of how people are in real life.

IMO, real manners are all about kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness and consideration of others. Fake "manners" are adhering to some arbitrary rules of behavior, even if it causes that person great discomfort.

OP putting on airpod could be considered a kindness to his hosts for not spending the full 9 hours trying to accommodate his inability to speak their native tongue. Because if we really want to talk about what is rude and what is not - you might say the in laws are rude for leaving him out of the conversation by carrying on as if he is not there, instead of trying to speak in English in front of him.

But OP, thankfully, is not adhering to some arbitrary rules of manners - and does not consider the in laws' behavior rude.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

I've taken language lessons. I can read and write in the language quite well. My listening comprehension is bad though. I can say what I want to say but I can't understand the response if it is unexpected. It's hard being a 45 year old with the language skills of a 2 year old for hours or days on end. However, I can't expect my 80 year mother in law to start learning English for me and Spanish for other in-laws at her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Not judging you with this question, but have you tried learning their language?

I bet you would pick it up pretty quick with daily practice, and that 'immersive' family experience

[Anonymous]

It's a bit different because my ILs get very drunk (but they do speak English) so I set the expectation that I 'unfortunately' have a couple of hours of work to attend to at some point during the day, and then when I need a break I can excuse myself with my laptop to the guest room, where I put something on with headphones and decompress for a bit. DH is aware and it is a compromise we make. It may still be a bit rude, but the alternative is me not showing up.

Depending on your area of work - it has to be believable - you could try this? I wouldn't hide it from my spouse, however.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not have to stay with them 9-10. It doesn't matter what they want. Instead, though I would drive myself, stay only a couple hours. Do something else. Drive away. Go for a walk. Rent your own car if you have to. No way anyone else gets to dictate this - this is an unreasonable amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Extremely. And the fact that you think it is okay that your teen does it is incredible. You have taught him to be an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude to speak in another language in front of someone who can't speak it. I think both airpods or a book are fine. Obviously look around a bit and smile, to let people know you're open to a conversation, but the idea that you must sit quietly, smiling vacantly while all around you people chatter to each other in another language is a ridiculous standard to be held to.

OP says “most of them don’t speak English very well” so by your logic OP is rude by speaking English in front of this group.

But she is the minority here, and they are the majority. It's incumbent upon the majority to be considerate of the minority, not the other way round.

No, it isn’t. I’d love to see you hobble through a conversation with your high school Spanish to accommodate the minority participant in your holiday event. Absolutely an absurd position.

If I had invited someone who didn't speak English to my holiday party, I would absolutely attempt to use my language skills to include them. It might not be pretty, but the onus is on me to make them feel welcome. If you wouldn't, you're a shockingly rude host. Why even invite them otherwise?

Did OP say no one ever speaks a word of English to her? No. But the conversation naturally drifts to the common language. I honestly think you have no experience with this kind of scenario and that’s why you don’t get it. No group is ever going to muddle through a whole day in a language that is not the common language of the majority just so the two people who can’t speak it don’t feel awkward.