Is it rude to use airpods at my inlaws on Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS — less like being the furniture and more like being the dog. Everyone greets him when they come in, which is nice, and then he sits there all day listening for the 5-10 words he understands (eat, feed; walk, out, treat, dinner; dog); occasionally dozing off and wishing he could take himself for a walk.

This is funny. Remember also the dog gets pets, so maybe someone could also rub or scratch OP’s back and head periodically.

OP here, in many ways the dog comparison is very accurate. However, no one in this crowd would ever touch a dog, so a dog would not be invited in the first place. Lucky dog.

[Anonymous]

Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS — less like being the furniture and more like being the dog. Everyone greets him when they come in, which is nice, and then he sits there all day listening for the 5-10 words he understands (eat, feed; walk, out, treat, dinner; dog); occasionally dozing off and wishing he could take himself for a walk.

This is funny. Remember also the dog gets pets, so maybe someone could also rub or scratch OP’s back and head periodically.

OP here, in many ways the dog comparison is very accurate. However, no one in this crowd would ever touch a dog, so a dog would not be invited in the first place. Lucky dog.

That narrows it down.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. That is extremely rude.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand where the OP is coming from. My spouse is Finnish and we have been married 15 years. I probably understand hundreds of words and basic grammar, but I still speak like a kindergartner. I speak French and Spanish fluently, so I love learning languages, but Finnish is very different from Germanic or Latin languages. I have never lived in Finland, so I have never been immersed for more than 2 weeks at a time.

One thing people haven't raised is that when you learn a language you learn the "book version" as opposed to the vernacular. So there is "book Finnish" and "spoken Finnish." When I am in Finland and my husband is talking to his family, there are definitely not speaking "book Finnish."

Last summer I tried to participate in a conversation and I was convinced that my husband's cousin died. I expressed my condolences and deep sorrow. Well, he just went on a trip. Anyway, I just daydream through the conversations and try to pick up what I can, but it is really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS — less like being the furniture and more like being the dog. Everyone greets him when they come in, which is nice, and then he sits there all day listening for the 5-10 words he understands (eat, feed; walk, out, treat, dinner; dog); occasionally dozing off and wishing he could take himself for a walk.

This is funny. Remember also the dog gets pets, so maybe someone could also rub or scratch OP’s back and head periodically.

OP here, in many ways the dog comparison is very accurate. However, no one in this crowd would ever touch a dog, so a dog would not be invited in the first place. Lucky dog.

That narrows it down.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude. Teen should not use them either. You are teaching him to be rude.

So he should sit there for nine hours while rude people rudely converse with each other in a language they know he doesn’t understand? Yeah, no.

OP, screw how long they “expect” you to stay. You’re adults with agency. Stay for dinner +2 hours or so.

Agreed. The family speaking another language and ignoring the OP/inlaw is rude. Is she supposed to sit there for 9 hours while no one talks to her?? WTAF?

OP, my DH and I would be having a conversation. We'd either cut down the hours of the day or he can go early and you follow later. No way I would sit there, on Christmas, for 9 hours in a room full of people who will not talk to me, regardless of how nice they are. It just would not happen.

In the interim, before next year, take some language lessons and your DH should encourage some of his family members to do the same. Part of the obligation, imo, when you marry into a family that has mixed languages/cultures.

Have you actually experienced this first hand? If not, than you truly have no idea that this approach does not go over well. If you have, then maybe you should take some of the ideas from previous posts. Definitely help in the kitchen with serving and clean up. Take your time eating and observing how everyone acts, help with the dishes. Also, bring a popular American dish or dessert to serve. Chill in front of the TV with some people. A fave of mine is hanging with the babies/toddlers, then just want to smile and giggle.

I've been at this for over 20 years now and I do it as an act of love for my husband. And guess what, his family notices and I also feel loved by them. Even though it's not in English, I get hugs and English phrases and plates of food brought to me and compliments translated by the younger generation. Andy my kids have a connection with their extended family.

My husband also truly appreciated this all through the years and after the visits, I got the next day to myself to relax as a thank you. You can choose to approach this positively.

OP here - I've tried every one of those things. The baby one is the only one that worked, until the baby grew up and started playing on his phone and ignoring everyone. Helping with dishes and such is a no-go because there are maids or caterers for that. I tried it anyway a couple of times, because I felt more comfortable with the "help," but it didn't go over well. Popular American dishes are also frowned upon, and will not be either served or eaten. It's considered insulting to bring such things. The hosts always set the TV to a news station or music station from their country. Sounds like your husband's family is a bit more relaxed than mine. I'm thinking to take up knitting.

PP. Taking up a needle craft is a great idea and a good compromise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. That is extremely rude.

As opposed to your extremely mature post.

[Anonymous]

I see someone suggested a puzzle, but I didn't see the exact response, so maybe this was also suggested. Could you bring a deck of cards and play with your son? Simple games that others could learn, that way you could interact with other guests but not have language be a barrier. I'm thinking War, Go Fish, Rummy. Or bring a chess board?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, Everyone has given practical suggestions for how to handle but I’m wondering if it’s really the feeling of being shut out and ignored that’s bothersome, or if it’s just annoying to be hearing a language you don’t understand and can’t participate in. Technically I am ESL and I remember being surprised to hear a friend back in college express how irritating it was to hear other students having long conversations in their mother tongue (which was also mine). And if I were to be honest there are some languages that are hard to listen to for a long time - they are harsh or barking, high pitched or too sing-song. Maybe process why you are bothered so much by it. There must be English speaking teens like yours at these gatherings after all these years, aren’t there? Whatever you do, you want to show respect for your spouse’s and IL’s culture. Tuning people out with AirPods is not respectful.

So I agree with others that you (and teen) can’t sit there and wear your airpods. Why not use this time to interact with your teen? If you must watch a movie then watch one together without AirPods. Or play a game. Maybe others will join in. Or go to another room for a break. Or leave for a walk and return if it’s really an all day affair. Is it a useful language? I would even consider learning a bit and practicing. There are many ways to handle this without conveying “I really don’t want to be here and listen to you people”.

[Anonymous]

OP here with a happy Christmas update - yesterday was the first of 3 days of in-laws and it went swimmingly. I didn't need to take up knitting, get a dog, or rent a room for a nap. Someone arrived from out of town with, of all things, a baby. A cute, bubbly, energetic, entertaining baby. The baby kept everyone very busy - so busy, that right after dinner all the old people had to go take naps themselves, and the rest of us were freed. I have ensured that the baby received invitations to today and tomorrow's festivities, and finally have a use for all the Melissa and Doug puzzles that for some reason I never threw out. It's a Christmas miracle!