Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

+2 Estrangement is a natural result of not being believed/protected in the face of sexual abuse

Women aligning with their husbands appears to be a far more common response than believing and helping their kids

Denial isn’t just a river in Africa

There is no river in Africa named “Denial.”

Lol.

The. Nile.

Wow. That one flew right over your head, didn't it?

Watching the "denial" "the Nile" thing is a nice pallet cleanser from the content of this thread.

It's palate

[Anonymous]

I do not associate with child abusers, family or not. And I am not actually a court of law, so no, I don't need proof beyond a reasonable doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

+2 Estrangement is a natural result of not being believed/protected in the face of sexual abuse

Women aligning with their husbands appears to be a far more common response than believing and helping their kids

Denial isn’t just a river in Africa

There is no river in Africa named “Denial.”

Lol.

The. Nile.

Yes, I understand the cliche. I am just saying it sounds better than it looks written.

[Anonymous]

WTF is wrong with you, OP? You believe your sister. Her mental health struggles are likely the result of abuse. Again, WTF?

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

What motivation do you think a person would have to falsely declare this having happened? Are you comfortable maintaining a relationship with the accused knowing this person may have sexually abused a child?

[Anonymous]

Cancel.

You can’t take this chance.

I’d visit them alone, without the kids, or tell mom she can come visit without her husband.

You just can’t take this chance.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Since you asked, my opinion is that you need to support your sister and stand by her. It does not matter that you two are not close. This is a question of ethics and morals. In practice, that means not visiting any place where your step-father might be. Not just because your kids are at risk (now or in the future), but because your sister's mental health partly depends on the actions of her relatives. You need to SHOW to the world that you believe her, not just shrug and privately think she might be right. The perpetrator needs to feel the weight of your disapproval, he needs to be publicly set aside, and if not in a court of law, then at least in his relationship with YOU.

Do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

What motivation do you think a person would have to falsely declare this having happened? Are you comfortable maintaining a relationship with the accused knowing this person may have sexually abused a child?

Sometimes people with untreated mental illness make false allegations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

At some point your kids will know that this is part of the family history, and they will know that you took them into this man's presence even after you knew it.

I know what *I* am doing in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

What motivation do you think a person would have to falsely declare this having happened? Are you comfortable maintaining a relationship with the accused knowing this person may have sexually abused a child?

This is very different than OP's situation. For very young children, yes, they can have distorted memories. I have an exceedingly fuzzy memory of my older cousin doing inappropriate things to me. I have NEVER been able to ascertain whether they are true or false, so I have never done anything about it. We don't live in the same country anymore, and if he ever had access to my kids, I would be present at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

What motivation do you think a person would have to falsely declare this having happened? Are you comfortable maintaining a relationship with the accused knowing this person may have sexually abused a child?

To be fair, we don’t know what the victim remembers or who the potential abusers are. I was abused and I’ve repressed some of the memories, or maybe I was just too young. I personally think I know who it was because of a variety of clues, but I’m not confident enough in my memories to do something like file a police report (even if I could). I have warned my sister, who has kids, and she told me our cousin has a similar experience with the other person I suspected. We three have cut off that section of our family, for past abuse and other more recent issues, but if someone wanted to maintain a family relationship, I would understand not cutting off a swath of family over a probably maybe. The gaps in memory and inconsistencies give people who don’t want to believe an excuse not to believe. I’m both critical and sympathetic to people who have to choose in cases like this. It’s hard, and it’s usually wrapped up in other dysfunction.

OP, sister remembers clearly what happened, who did it, and who helped him. Both parents should suffer consequences, the least of which would be no access to children and no trusting anything they do or say.

[Anonymous]

wow just wow. This has to be a troll. No one would risk that. Your sister told you so you can protect your kids and you don't belive her? Nice. You should cancel the trip asap. I think you know this but don't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

If what your sister says is true you shouldn't be consorting with your step-dad or your mom, at all. However, you might have a conversation with mom and see what she says. Hopefully you know her well enough to know if she is telling the truth or not. If you think your sister is the one telling the truth and your mom actually provided opportunities for the abuse to happen even though she was aware of it, why in the world would you have anything more to do with them at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If what your sister says is true you shouldn't be consorting with your step-dad or your mom, at all. However, you might have a conversation with mom and see what she says. Hopefully you know her well enough to know if she is telling the truth or not. If you think your sister is the one telling the truth and your mom actually provided opportunities for the abuse to happen even though she was aware of it, why in the world would you have anything more to do with them at all?

Are you high? No one would ever admit they did that. If she ever acknowledged the situation to herself, she’s used the last couple of decades to rewrite the story in her head. More likely though, she pretended not to notice what was happening, and steered clear of interfering so she wouldn’t have to deal with confronting the situation head on. In either case, she will have convinced herself that she didn’t know, sister must be mistaken, she was a good mom, and her husband was a good man. Protecting her daughter would have jeopardized that fantasy.

Even if she somehow acknowledges there was something inappropriate that happened, there will be some excuse. Her husband was going through a rough patch and leaned on stepdaughter too much, daughter was mature for her age and sent him some signals, he was just affectionate and people misunderstood, etc.

She’s going to deny a potential for it to happen now, whether she admits it happened in the past. He’s old, grandfatherly, the kids are different ages than sister was in her account, you can’t deny her a relationship with the kids, she’d never let anything happen…

It’s what abusers and enablers do. They build relationships with vulnerable kids, put themselves in positions of power over people, convince everyone to stay quiet about it, and they pretend not to notice anything. It’s not rocket science. It’s happened in virtually every family since the dawn of time. That’s why the patterns are so easy to spot, and that’s why people ignore the signs.