Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

My sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom.

What are my next steps? I have plans this summer to visit my mom and stepdad with my kids. We are planning to rent a cabin together on a lake. It’s already paid for and arranged. Do I cancel?

I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. She’s married and has her own kids who have never met our mother and stepdad.

Do I talk to my mom about this? What about our other sibling?

[Anonymous]

Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

[Anonymous]

That’s very difficult and I’m so sorry. No easy answers and it depends on how much you care to be involved. I was the abused by bio dad, and am now estranged from him, stepmom, half-siblings, and entire extended family (dozens of people) while he hasn’t lost a thing. The one relative that did believe me and advocate for me - my dear uncle - has also been shunned for unrelated reasons, but I’m sure his alignment with me did not help.

Just know that you will likely never get the truth from your mom or stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

+2 Estrangement is a natural result of not being believed/protected in the face of sexual abuse

Women aligning with their husbands appears to be a far more common response than believing and helping their kids

Denial isn’t just a river in Africa

[Anonymous]

The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

[Anonymous]

Based on what you’ve said, I’m inclined to believe the sister.

And yes, I think I would cancel the trip. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

How are you even questioning this?!?!?

Of course you cancel the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Honestly this thread is so full of drama and triggers that I feel like it’s a troll. I can’t imagine anyone being this clueless. And no way OP’s wife would okay this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Op here. I mean I really can’t see how my kids would be at risk. They sleep in the same bed or the same room as me and DW when we travel. My stepdad has never been alone with them. Also, my kids are younger and my sister said the abuse didn’t start until she was 13/14. I’m not saying we have to go or that we will, but just trying to see how it really would put my kids at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Op here. I mean I really can’t see how my kids would be at risk. They sleep in the same bed or the same room as me and DW when we travel. My stepdad has never been alone with them. Also, my kids are younger and my sister said the abuse didn’t start until she was 13/14. I’m not saying we have to go or that we will, but just trying to see how it really would put my kids at risk.

I just can't with this. Being so cavalier with potential groping of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Op here. I mean I really can’t see how my kids would be at risk. They sleep in the same bed or the same room as me and DW when we travel. My stepdad has never been alone with them. Also, my kids are younger and my sister said the abuse didn’t start until she was 13/14. I’m not saying we have to go or that we will, but just trying to see how it really would put my kids at risk.

I just can't with this. Being so cavalier with potential groping of your kids.

+2

Troll. And a sick one at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on what you’ve said, I’m inclined to believe the sister.

And yes, I think I would cancel the trip. Sorry.

Op here. It’s not that I don’t believe my sister. I just don’t know and have no way of knowing if it happened or not. My sister and I are not terribly close.

If I was forced to guess, I’d say she’s probably telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Op here. I mean I really can’t see how my kids would be at risk. They sleep in the same bed or the same room as me and DW when we travel. My stepdad has never been alone with them. Also, my kids are younger and my sister said the abuse didn’t start until she was 13/14. I’m not saying we have to go or that we will, but just trying to see how it really would put my kids at risk.

I just can't with this. Being so cavalier with potential groping of your kids.

+2

Troll. And a sick one at that.

I mean, one of my first internships was in the criminal justice system and some of the cases were shocking. A mom whose boyfriend was convicted of molesting her daughter and she asked for the stay away order to be lifted so she could date him after he was released from prison. A family who kicked out a 12 year old after she was raped and impregnated by her uncle. A little boy who was beaten for telling what his grandpa did to him.

The extent to which people blame the victims is shocking.