Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexual abuse has been happening for an eternity in many, many families. It's only recently that it's been uncovered as having lasting damaging effects on children, and on their adult lives and relationships. No one really cared until now.

I don't think it's helpful to respond in horror or shock or to try to make out the stepfather into a predator and monster. I think it's helpful to figure out a way forward so that we don't keep passing on trauma to vulnerable people.

And as an outsider, it's very easy to judge OP for having doubts about his sister's story. But that's not helpful either.

OP, your sister did a very hard and brave and honorable thing by telling you. It's important that you keep your children away from your stepdad, even if that makes things uncomfortable. It's also important, in case you haven't already, to talk to your children about personal safety regarding their bodies in an age appropriate manner. Also, tell your wife the situation. I promise, that not talking about these things is what keeps these things going.

For real? Outside of May _December sort of marriges?

There have been studies that show that 1/4 of girls were sexually abused before the age of 14. The fact that we are all of a sudden considering those who inflict this abuse some type of horrific aberration is not doing us any favors in preventing future abuse from happening. It's good that we now are aware and cognizant that sexual abuse causes lasting trauma and long term damage. It's not good that we are acting as if it is some perverse anomaly that happens rarely. It's not going to help solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

+2 Estrangement is a natural result of not being believed/protected in the face of sexual abuse

Women aligning with their husbands appears to be a far more common response than believing and helping their kids

Denial isn’t just a river in Africa

+1

Holy moly, OP. It’s pretty obvious what happened here. Your sister’s revelation to you explains a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why has your sister not reported this? If it was a teacher, scout leader, or clergy person then folks would be raising the roof. But it's okay to protect family members?

Because reporting is an additional trauma.

And aside from the fact that it can’t be prosecuted now, why would this survivor report it to the authorities when even her own brother refuses to believe her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

No I am hardly naive. I am a realist.

So you don’t care that he moved on to someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexual abuse has been happening for an eternity in many, many families. It's only recently that it's been uncovered as having lasting damaging effects on children, and on their adult lives and relationships. No one really cared until now.

I don't think it's helpful to respond in horror or shock or to try to make out the stepfather into a predator and monster. I think it's helpful to figure out a way forward so that we don't keep passing on trauma to vulnerable people.

And as an outsider, it's very easy to judge OP for having doubts about his sister's story. But that's not helpful either.

OP, your sister did a very hard and brave and honorable thing by telling you. It's important that you keep your children away from your stepdad, even if that makes things uncomfortable. It's also important, in case you haven't already, to talk to your children about personal safety regarding their bodies in an age appropriate manner. Also, tell your wife the situation. I promise, that not talking about these things is what keeps these things going.

For real? Outside of May _December sort of marriges?

There have been studies that show that 1/4 of girls were sexually abused before the age of 14. The fact that we are all of a sudden considering those who inflict this abuse some type of horrific aberration is not doing us any favors in preventing future abuse from happening. It's good that we now are aware and cognizant that sexual abuse causes lasting trauma and long term damage. It's not good that we are acting as if it is some perverse anomaly that happens rarely. It's not going to help solve the problem.

I hear a lot of saying what not to do, but what do you suggest instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexual abuse has been happening for an eternity in many, many families. It's only recently that it's been uncovered as having lasting damaging effects on children, and on their adult lives and relationships. No one really cared until now.

I don't think it's helpful to respond in horror or shock or to try to make out the stepfather into a predator and monster. I think it's helpful to figure out a way forward so that we don't keep passing on trauma to vulnerable people.

And as an outsider, it's very easy to judge OP for having doubts about his sister's story. But that's not helpful either.

OP, your sister did a very hard and brave and honorable thing by telling you. It's important that you keep your children away from your stepdad, even if that makes things uncomfortable. It's also important, in case you haven't already, to talk to your children about personal safety regarding their bodies in an age appropriate manner. Also, tell your wife the situation. I promise, that not talking about these things is what keeps these things going.

For real? Outside of May _December sort of marriges?

There have been studies that show that 1/4 of girls were sexually abused before the age of 14. The fact that we are all of a sudden considering those who inflict this abuse some type of horrific aberration is not doing us any favors in preventing future abuse from happening. It's good that we now are aware and cognizant that sexual abuse causes lasting trauma and long term damage. It's not good that we are acting as if it is some perverse anomaly that happens rarely. It's not going to help solve the problem.

I hear a lot of saying what not to do, but what do you suggest instead?

I already responded earlier with what to do:

OP, your sister did a very hard and brave and honorable thing by telling you. It's important that you keep your children away from your stepdad, even if that makes things uncomfortable. It's also important, in case you haven't already, to talk to your children about personal safety regarding their bodies in an age appropriate manner. Also, tell your wife the situation. I promise, that not talking about these things is what keeps these things going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexual abuse has been happening for an eternity in many, many families. It's only recently that it's been uncovered as having lasting damaging effects on children, and on their adult lives and relationships. No one really cared until now.

I don't think it's helpful to respond in horror or shock or to try to make out the stepfather into a predator and monster. I think it's helpful to figure out a way forward so that we don't keep passing on trauma to vulnerable people.

And as an outsider, it's very easy to judge OP for having doubts about his sister's story. But that's not helpful either.

OP, your sister did a very hard and brave and honorable thing by telling you. It's important that you keep your children away from your stepdad, even if that makes things uncomfortable. It's also important, in case you haven't already, to talk to your children about personal safety regarding their bodies in an age appropriate manner. Also, tell your wife the situation. I promise, that not talking about these things is what keeps these things going.

For real? Outside of May _December sort of marriges?

There have been studies that show that 1/4 of girls were sexually abused before the age of 14. The fact that we are all of a sudden considering those who inflict this abuse some type of horrific aberration is not doing us any favors in preventing future abuse from happening. It's good that we now are aware and cognizant that sexual abuse causes lasting trauma and long term damage. It's not good that we are acting as if it is some perverse anomaly that happens rarely. It's not going to help solve the problem.

I hear a lot of saying what not to do, but what do you suggest instead?

DP. Lots of things, but it'll likely never completely go away and it definitely won't stop overnight. Some things are large scale, like prosecuting rape cases, believing women/children, processing rape kits, not sweeping sexual harassment under the rug, not electing pedophiles, mandatory sex education (it's freaking biology-we learn the life cycle of a frog in first grade but so many people don't know that babies and urine don't come out of the same hole), empowering women through equal pay and job opportunities, basically all the things that should be normal but we consider an unreachable ideal. In individual families and people, we need to educate ourselves about who is at risk and who presents risks (hint: it's not stranger-danger), not treating sex and bodies like they're shameful and something to be hidden, empowering kids to feel comfortable saying no/not to blindly accept authority, teaching kids not to keep secrets from parents, not accepting men treating women like objects, educating children about sex (reproduction, consent, bodily autonomy), not forcing children to hug and kiss people they don't want to. That's just a start.

Basically, treat people, including children, like their bodies and their feelings matter. Not excusing men who think their feelings, sexual desires, and need to exert power over others matters more. Empowering vulnerable people to be able to stand up for themselves. Creating a safe space for people who are assaulted to report crimes and ensuring consequences for people who commit crimes. Teaching everyone that consent matters-men that they need to obtain consent and women that they need to give consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

No I am hardly naive. I am a realist.

So you don’t care that he moved on to someone else?

You are so self righteous and foolish. What I knew was if I reported him to authorities instead of just my mother (who interceded for me) is that my father may go to jail, and we'd be homeless as we just scraped by as it was.

My hopes of going to college would be gone, and all my dreams dashed.

There was zero benefit for me to report it to authorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

Agree

Sister sounds credible

I would not let children around step dad. If they ask why tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

No I am hardly naive. I am a realist.

So you don’t care that he moved on to someone else?

You are so self righteous and foolish. What I knew was if I reported him to authorities instead of just my mother (who interceded for me) is that my father may go to jail, and we'd be homeless as we just scraped by as it was.

My hopes of going to college would be gone, and all my dreams dashed.

There was zero benefit for me to report it to authorities.

Ok I totally get why you wouldn’t report him out of financial considerations as a dependent. What boggles me is you then allowed your children around him. What gives? A big inheritance or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

No I am hardly naive. I am a realist.

So you don’t care that he moved on to someone else?

You are so self righteous and foolish. What I knew was if I reported him to authorities instead of just my mother (who interceded for me) is that my father may go to jail, and we'd be homeless as we just scraped by as it was.

My hopes of going to college would be gone, and all my dreams dashed.

There was zero benefit for me to report it to authorities.

You need to watch a movie called Rewind on Amazon.

[Anonymous]

I think the posts have covered most of what I would want to add, except this one thing--

The reason that your first instinct was to discount your sister is because of the dysfunctional family dynamics that exist in your family of origin--these dynamics exist because they enable the abuse.

I highly recommend that you go to therapy yourself. And definitely keep your kids away from your stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

When one of your kids tells you they were also molested, will you tell them you knew your father was a child molester? Will you complain if your children cut you off?

Well none of that happened, drama lama. My kids are grown now and fine.

you are one sick human being. i can't believe you let him babysit! you're sicko.

[Anonymous]

You need to watch a movie called Rewind on Amazon.

This movie was excellent. It also really highlights how devastating the effects of the abuse can be, even with good, immediate mental health treatment for the survivors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You doing mental gymnastics because not spending time with your step dad is too much work.

I am really afraid with the feedback OP got here he will not share the news with his wife to avoid the "pot stirring".