Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You doing mental gymnastics because not spending time with your step dad is too much work.

I am really afraid with the feedback OP got here he will not share the news with his wife to avoid the "pot stirring".

I don't think ever intends to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You doing mental gymnastics because not spending time with your step dad is too much work.

I am really afraid with the feedback OP got here he will not share the news with his wife to avoid the "pot stirring".

I don't think ever intends to tell her.

That breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

Have you seen the women journalists and actors who have literally been groped in a room full of people?

I can't recall the people involved, but in one well-known photo a woman said that the guy had his hand on her ass. Yuck.

How does your wife feel about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom.

What are my next steps? I have plans this summer to visit my mom and stepdad with my kids. We are planning to rent a cabin together on a lake. It’s already paid for and arranged. Do I cancel?

I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. She’s married and has her own kids who have never met our mother and stepdad.

Do I talk to my mom about this? What about our other sibling?

Believe your sister. Validate her feelings and struggle dealing with this trauma.

Talk to your mom. Ask her if she knew. Encourage her to be the one to reach out to your sister.

Keep your kids away from step dad unless supervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on what you’ve said, I’m inclined to believe the sister.

And yes, I think I would cancel the trip. Sorry.

Op here. It’s not that I don’t believe my sister. I just don’t know and have no way of knowing if it happened or not. My sister and I are not terribly close.

If I was forced to guess, I’d say she’s probably telling the truth.

Really?? Why in the world would she make something like this up?? This is exactly why women are reluctant to tell anyone, because the people they finally tell don’t believe them.

[Anonymous]

You need to speak to your mother about this as there could be many other victims. You also need to cancel that trip and offer support to your sister. How incredible that she’s a doctor despite the terrible childhood she endured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I knew he was dangerous but I didn't want to lose my deposit"

Imagine saying that to your kid 10 years from now when they ask why you let them get assaulted.

Op here. I shouldn’t have mentioned that the trip is paid for. I just meant that there isn’t some easy way to just put it off. We will have to actually cancel the trip is all, and I will have to give a reason to my mom.

I think you should talk to your mom about this - to gauge her reaction. You seem awfully flippant here. Have you told your wife?

The first thing I would be doing is talking to my own kids. Just because your sister was older doesn’t mean something couldnt have already happened with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

TELL YOUR WIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation -- potential abuse by DW's father, but the victim couldn't remember it clearly due to their young age at the time and also how long ago it was. No worrisome signs since then. We just weren't certain. It was a maybe it happened kind of thing.

We decided we'd make sure our kids are never alone with him, just to be sure. When we visit, we stay in a hotel but their house isn't big enough for us anyway. Basically there are no opportunities to for it to happen. Interestingly he's not a touchy-feely person, so even just giving the kids a hug would be a red flag and we've seen no such signs.

What motivation do you think a person would have to falsely declare this having happened? Are you comfortable maintaining a relationship with the accused knowing this person may have sexually abused a child?

Sometimes people with untreated mental illness make false allegations.

This is a lot less common or likely than abuse. But people like to make excuses for abusers and deny/refuse to believe victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom.

What are my next steps? I have plans this summer to visit my mom and stepdad with my kids. We are planning to rent a cabin together on a lake. It’s already paid for and arranged. Do I cancel?

I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. She’s married and has her own kids who have never met our mother and stepdad.

Do I talk to my mom about this? What about our other sibling?

I wouldn’t automatically believe your sister. I would still go and watch carefully.

Why wouldn’t you? Watch for what??

Because it’s a big accusation and until proven guilty you can’t assume a person did something horrendous like that.

You are a victim denying jerk. Yes it’s a big accusation but how can you “prove” the stepdad is guilty? You can’t go back in time and set up a camera to record the abuse and stepdad (or mom) is unlikely to admit it so there is essentially no way to prove it. You either believe the sister or not. 99.9 times out of 100 the victim is stating the truth. What benefit do they get from lying? Sure some people would lie about this but most do not. It’s not an easy thing to talk about. Most people wouldn’t say anything unless they felt it was really important to protect someone (like OP’s sister trying to protect OP’s kids). Unless OP’s sister is a deranged and delusional person generally and has a reason to sabotage OP’s relationship w mom/stepdad, there’s 0 reason for her to make this up.

[Anonymous]

People, forget it, this guy just refuses to acknowledge it. It's a lost cause. The sister probably understood this long ago, she's only saying something now to protect the next generation but the OP insists on proceeding as usual.

[Anonymous]

I hope the sister tells his wife too. Because it sounds like he isn’t going to. My grandfather molested many of my similarly-aged cousins, but not me. Why? Because my mom found out about the allegations and said “F no” to any more contact with him. My dad could go see his parents solo but I didn’t see my grandfather in person again, ever. My cousins had parents who in denial about the abuse like OP, so even after allegations came out, some of them were still at risk. I would have been too if it were just my dad. The brainwashing that happens inside an abusive family is intense, and it’s hard to see yourself as a victim or as an accomplice (or more often both), so people just refuse to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to watch a movie called Rewind on Amazon.

This movie was excellent. It also really highlights how devastating the effects of the abuse can be, even with good, immediate mental health treatment for the survivors.

OP you need to watch this documentary on Amazon it's called, Rewind.

[Anonymous]

Ya. Cancel. Unless you are OK with your kids being abused. And tell them why. They need to know why they are not allowed to be around kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TELL YOUR WIFE.

Apparently he doesn’t care enough about his kids’ safety to do this.