If my teenager gets a job during his time with Dad . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the dad was brave enough to say no to his child, and motivated enough to plan something of interest for his day, then maybe the child would want to spend time with him instead of getting a job.

Children don't like their parents to be pushovers. Grow some balls, summon up your courage and say no to a child, and things will go a lot better.

Its not Dad's job to say no, mom has custody and she agreed to the job. Mom needs to get some balls and say no to her child. Dad has no say on daily issues. Be real. Maybe mom should use the child support money on the child so child doesn't have to work during the school year.

You might be on to something provided Dad is agreeing to fully fund college, buy his child a car and pay for the monthly insurance costs, none of which are included in the child support calculus. He could certainly offer to increase his contribution to offset what the kid could otherwise make at the part time job. Otherwise sounds like the kid will need a job as so many children in divorced families do since they get screwed on financial aid.

All those things are optional but yes, they are included in child support. College is after 18 so mom can save the child support for a college fund. Most kids don't get cars. Be real. Kid isn't in college so financial aid is not an issue right now.

Dad has visits. Mom has custody. The only available day is Sunday and Mom agreed to a job. What is Dad to say? Either way he is the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the dad was brave enough to say no to his child, and motivated enough to plan something of interest for his day, then maybe the child would want to spend time with him instead of getting a job.

Children don't like their parents to be pushovers. Grow some balls, summon up your courage and say no to a child, and things will go a lot better.

Its not Dad's job to say no, mom has custody and she agreed to the job. Mom needs to get some balls and say no to her child. Dad has no say on daily issues. Be real. Maybe mom should use the child support money on the child so child doesn't have to work during the school year.

You might be on to something provided Dad is agreeing to fully fund college, buy his child a car and pay for the monthly insurance costs, none of which are included in the child support calculus. He could certainly offer to increase his contribution to offset what the kid could otherwise make at the part time job. Otherwise sounds like the kid will need a job as so many children in divorced families do since they get screwed on financial aid.

All those things are optional but yes, they are included in child support. College is after 18 so mom can save the child support for a college fund. Most kids don't get cars. Be real. Kid isn't in college so financial aid is not an issue right now.

Dad has visits. Mom has custody. The only available day is Sunday and Mom agreed to a job. What is Dad to say? Either way he is the bad guy.

Kid is in high school. If kid is college-bound (likely given all the activities) this is his only chance to save money. Your idea that mom can save the child support for a college fund has the hilarious supposition that the child doesn’t presently need food, housing, clothing. Most kids in this area get cars.

You seem to want to punish the kid twice— he’s already getting screwed by financial aid because his parents are divorced. Now you want to keep him from earning his own money. All to prevent something his dad SAID YES to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

Oh noes, "being the bad guy". Sorry but that's what parenting requires sometimes. This man's personal weakness sets a terrible example for his son.

If the Mon said no, all of you would be accusing her of trying to control the dad. It's the mom who can't win here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

Try to wrap your head around this: If the dad wants a healthy parent-child relationship with his son, he needs to act as a parent, and that means saying no sometimes. In this case, saying no is especially important as it communicates that the dad prioritizes and values his time with his son. If your goal is to be Fun Daddy which is basically like an uncle, and have your son not really care about you and not spend time with you, then sure, indulge your fear of "being the bad guy". But if you want to *actually parent the child* and have the child see you as a parent, saying no is essential. You won't be seen as a parent if you don't exercise some authority.

Now, the mom could say no, but it's not her problem to bail the dad out of his lack of courage and parenting skill. Dad's time, dad's choice, dad's responsibility. And if the mom said no, that wouldn't be the same. The message would be "Spending time with your dad is important to your mom even though your dad acts like he doesn't care." That's not the same thing as "I, your father, prioritize time with you." That's why this matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

I don’t know that insist is the right word because it implies that there was conflict. We both came to mediation with a list of things that were important to us. At the top of his list were that both kids play a sport every season and that they attend church and religious education in his parish. I agreed to both of those things.

Kid obviously had some choice about which sport, but he tried out and made varsity as a freshman. Dad was proud. At this point quitting the team isn’t an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

I don’t know that insist is the right word because it implies that there was conflict. We both came to mediation with a list of things that were important to us. At the top of his list were that both kids play a sport every season and that they attend church and religious education in his parish. I agreed to both of those things.

Kid obviously had some choice about which sport, but he tried out and made varsity as a freshman. Dad was proud. At this point quitting the team isn’t an option.

Dad can see the kid when driving the kid to activites, or by making himself available at whatever time works for the kid. Dad also sees the kid at church. Dad is choosing to spend his kid time on church-- it's a choice.

Teenagers don't spend that much time just hanging out with ther parents and a lot of the together-time happens during driving. That's normal for intact families too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

I don’t know that insist is the right word because it implies that there was conflict. We both came to mediation with a list of things that were important to us. At the top of his list were that both kids play a sport every season and that they attend church and religious education in his parish. I agreed to both of those things.

Kid obviously had some choice about which sport, but he tried out and made varsity as a freshman. Dad was proud. At this point quitting the team isn’t an option.

Dad can see the kid when driving the kid to activites, or by making himself available at whatever time works for the kid. Dad also sees the kid at church. Dad is choosing to spend his kid time on church-- it's a choice.

Teenagers don't spend that much time just hanging out with ther parents and a lot of the together-time happens during driving. That's normal for intact families too.

Kid is working not going to church. A ten minute ride is not a visit. It’s sad you don’t value time with your teenagers. Some of us do. Dad gets one day a week. Mom choose to have the kid work. It’s a non issue. You will be the same person who expects dad to support financially the kid and mom till he is 30 and will complain when dad doesn’t. Now kid can support himself. Problem solved. Dad is out of the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

I don’t know that insist is the right word because it implies that there was conflict. We both came to mediation with a list of things that were important to us. At the top of his list were that both kids play a sport every season and that they attend church and religious education in his parish. I agreed to both of those things.

Kid obviously had some choice about which sport, but he tried out and made varsity as a freshman. Dad was proud. At this point quitting the team isn’t an option.

And that’s great but the issue isn’t sports, the issue is a kid who already has a busy schedule taking on a job during the school year that they don’t have time for. You told the kid to work.

So, when can dad see the kid between sports, activities, homework, school and a job. Plus, friends. Something has to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

Try to wrap your head around this: If the dad wants a healthy parent-child relationship with his son, he needs to act as a parent, and that means saying no sometimes. In this case, saying no is especially important as it communicates that the dad prioritizes and values his time with his son. If your goal is to be Fun Daddy which is basically like an uncle, and have your son not really care about you and not spend time with you, then sure, indulge your fear of "being the bad guy". But if you want to *actually parent the child* and have the child see you as a parent, saying no is essential. You won't be seen as a parent if you don't exercise some authority.

Now, the mom could say no, but it's not her problem to bail the dad out of his lack of courage and parenting skill. Dad's time, dad's choice, dad's responsibility. And if the mom said no, that wouldn't be the same. The message would be "Spending time with your dad is important to your mom even though your dad acts like he doesn't care." That's not the same thing as "I, your father, prioritize time with you." That's why this matters.

A parent should not override another parents decision. Mom said yes. Don’t put it on dad to be the bad guy and say no. Mom never should have agreed to a school year job given everything going on. Our kids are into sports and other activities. Clearly you don’t have teens in school with homework, sports and other activities. Our kids have sports 4-6 days a week, plus another activity 2-3 times a week, and homework. That a lot and too much for a school year job. Summer, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

Oh noes, "being the bad guy". Sorry but that's what parenting requires sometimes. This man's personal weakness sets a terrible example for his son.

If the Mon said no, all of you would be accusing her of trying to control the dad. It's the mom who can't win here.

Mom should have said no. Instead she says yes, puts it on dad to say no. This is not him to blame. Your view is twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him another day

It's not that simple. He's got commitments on other days, things his Dad agreed to, and sports Dad insisted he sign up for.

At this point, I give him time one evening a week that isn't in the custody agreement, and he's invited to any athletic competition on Saturday. But I can't magically make another day appear for DS to hang out at his house.

OP do you feel you need to make this decision for your ex? He complains he has limited visitation time but OK's DS getting a job on his visitation days. Obviously flawed logic. If you have an email where he has given this the green light what's the problem? When he makes noises about the issue, refer him to the email.

Or am I missing something?

I worry how this looks in court, and we just have a temporary order so we'll definitely be back in court.

I also find it frustrating, that he asked for more time, I rearranged our schedules to give him more time, and then he gave away the time he had.

You told him kid was getting a job. If you cared about dads time you would have never agreed to it. He had no choice but to agree. What do you want him to do? If he says no, he’s bad for not supporting son. If he says yes, you complain about him not visiting.

Liar.

Lair? What does that mean? Mom told the kid to get a job. Dad cannot override mom.

DAD AGREED WITH THE SON. DIRECTLY. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Dad had no choice. If he said no, he'd be the bad guy denying the kid a job. NO matter what he does he loses. This shouldn't have been allowed by mom.

Try to wrap your head around this: If the dad wants a healthy parent-child relationship with his son, he needs to act as a parent, and that means saying no sometimes. In this case, saying no is especially important as it communicates that the dad prioritizes and values his time with his son. If your goal is to be Fun Daddy which is basically like an uncle, and have your son not really care about you and not spend time with you, then sure, indulge your fear of "being the bad guy". But if you want to *actually parent the child* and have the child see you as a parent, saying no is essential. You won't be seen as a parent if you don't exercise some authority.

Now, the mom could say no, but it's not her problem to bail the dad out of his lack of courage and parenting skill. Dad's time, dad's choice, dad's responsibility. And if the mom said no, that wouldn't be the same. The message would be "Spending time with your dad is important to your mom even though your dad acts like he doesn't care." That's not the same thing as "I, your father, prioritize time with you." That's why this matters.

A parent should not override another parents decision. Mom said yes. Don’t put it on dad to be the bad guy and say no. Mom never should have agreed to a school year job given everything going on. Our kids are into sports and other activities. Clearly you don’t have teens in school with homework, sports and other activities. Our kids have sports 4-6 days a week, plus another activity 2-3 times a week, and homework. That a lot and too much for a school year job. Summer, yes.

Why again can't dad be "the bad guy"? It's a normal part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could, I don’t know, also change the visitation day(s).

Thing about teens old enough to drive/have a car is they generally get more say and agency anyway. You can’t force them to hang with a parent.

The kid, you know, already has things scheduled on Saturdays, including sports near mom’s that dad insisted he sign up for.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Dad didn't insist. Be real. So, if kid is busy all week and saturday, when can dad see the kid?

I don’t know that insist is the right word because it implies that there was conflict. We both came to mediation with a list of things that were important to us. At the top of his list were that both kids play a sport every season and that they attend church and religious education in his parish. I agreed to both of those things.

Kid obviously had some choice about which sport, but he tried out and made varsity as a freshman. Dad was proud. At this point quitting the team isn’t an option.

Dad can see the kid when driving the kid to activites, or by making himself available at whatever time works for the kid. Dad also sees the kid at church. Dad is choosing to spend his kid time on church-- it's a choice.

Teenagers don't spend that much time just hanging out with ther parents and a lot of the together-time happens during driving. That's normal for intact families too.

Kid is working not going to church. A ten minute ride is not a visit. It’s sad you don’t value time with your teenagers. Some of us do. Dad gets one day a week. Mom choose to have the kid work. It’s a non issue. You will be the same person who expects dad to support financially the kid and mom till he is 30 and will complain when dad doesn’t. Now kid can support himself. Problem solved. Dad is out of the picture.

LOL. I love that you think ten minutes is enough to drive a teenager around. I do in fact value time with my teenagers, that's why I'm not divorced and if I were divorced I wouldn't settle for one day a week.

I don't know how much time you think teenagers in intact families spend directly interacting with their parents, but usually it isn't much. And dad's entitled to 1/7th of it.