Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is not to cool to say to expectant parents, "You have no idea what you are getting into" or "Your life will never be the same" (in an ominous way). They are nervous enough.

I’ve only ever heard “your life will never the same” in a happy, excited way. Never ominous.

What it means is you'll never sleep well again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's more truthful to say cherish your little sweet cute kids - the kids themselves at the younger sweet ages, because when they become teens and are arguing and slamming doors they're not cute. When they start driving and partying and having sex, even less cute, more worry.

To me, time felt like it was moving either slowly or normally until each of our kids hit sixth grade. Then it felt like life went on turbo speed. Sixth grade was suddenly ninth grade. It literally felt like the snap of a finger with all of our kids. Middle school was the blink of an eye. Ninth grade was suddenly eleventh grade -- driving and SATs. Then twelfth grade, applying to colleges in the fall, hearing back in the winter, and spending the spring gearing up to leave. 6-12 grades fly by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is not to cool to say to expectant parents, "You have no idea what you are getting into" or "Your life will never be the same" (in an ominous way). They are nervous enough.

I’ve only ever heard “your life will never the same” in a happy, excited way. Never ominous.

What it means is you'll never sleep well again.

This is a perfect example that you cannot see past the phase you are in. It is a TINY window of parenthood, IN RETROSPECT, when sleep deprivation is an issue. Feels like years when you are living it. But IN PERSPECTIVE (the long view), other challenges quickly take the place of that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though.

I have many wonderful memories of the infant and baby stages, but I also had a wicked case of mastitis and had a postpartum clotting condition that my OB had to, ahem, manually work on with me several times. Not to mention that just when I thought I had my youngest STTN solidly, she had a difficult sleep regression that left me crying from exhaustion at several points. I don't cherish EVERY memory, and EVERY moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's more truthful to say cherish your little sweet cute kids - the kids themselves at the younger sweet ages, because when they become teens and are arguing and slamming doors they're not cute. When they start driving and partying and having sex, even less cute, more worry.

I heard a speaker say once, "There is a reason God gave us 12 years to fall in love with our children before turning them into teenagers. "

I think the hard part about raising older kids (vs little) is that it still involves a lot of work (driving them places, helping with homework/the college search, paying for everything, probably cooking for them, etc) BUT you get so little back in return. Little kids ADORE you. They want to snuggle. They want to do everything with you. With teens, there is very little of that. Instead, they are often sassy, ungrateful, think you know very little. etc. So, I think the immediate rewards are much less in that phase of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though.

I have many wonderful memories of the infant and baby stages, but I also had a wicked case of mastitis and had a postpartum clotting condition that my OB had to, ahem, manually work on with me several times. Not to mention that just when I thought I had my youngest STTN solidly, she had a difficult sleep regression that left me crying from exhaustion at several points. I don't cherish EVERY memory, and EVERY moment.

Of course not. And EVERY experienced parent gets that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

And? So? I have older kids and I would never say that to a sleep-deprived parent. What rubbish. Every stage comes with blessings and curses. Do your best, enjoy what you can, know that others have been through the rough things, so you can reach out and find resources and community to help you through.

And yes, that woman and her ilk are trying to compete and one-up. They want to feel smug. Leave them to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though.

I have many wonderful memories of the infant and baby stages, but I also had a wicked case of mastitis and had a postpartum clotting condition that my OB had to, ahem, manually work on with me several times. Not to mention that just when I thought I had my youngest STTN solidly, she had a difficult sleep regression that left me crying from exhaustion at several points. I don't cherish EVERY memory, and EVERY moment.

Of course not. And EVERY experienced parent gets that.

Oh yeah, then why does this thread exist, and why is it multiple pages long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

And? So? I have older kids and I would never say that to a sleep-deprived parent. What rubbish. Every stage comes with blessings and curses. Do your best, enjoy what you can, know that others have been through the rough things, so you can reach out and find resources and community to help you through.

And yes, that woman and her ilk are trying to compete and one-up. They want to feel smug. Leave them to it.

I find it hard to believe that when one parent sees another struggling, they say "Enjoy these precious moments." COME ON!

They usually say that at some adorable moment. You people are being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why do you read someone older as acting "superior." They have more experience in the job you have begun. They have street cred, when it comes to job coaching. Be more open minded and receptive. You are so stressed and sleep deprived perhaps that you cannot see a potential ally right in front of you. Why not ask her how she handled your current problem? Maybe she could actually be helpful.

NP, but your attitude is exactly what I find so grating about that phrase. "I know more you than, so be quiet and listen." The reality is that aspects of parenting are hard all the way through, or so say the parents of adult kids whom I actually trust and who are genuinely supportive.

Recency bias is not the same thing as wisdom.

You are agreeing with me. You say you trust parents of adult kids. BECAUSE they have been through the phases you have not. That is just an objective fact.

I'm not agreeing with your tone at all, and not even necessarily in context. If the parent of adult kids says, "little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems," with no qualifiers, I'm going to tune them out. The parents I trust who have walked the path before me are the ones who acknowledge that parenting is hard ALL the way through, albeit in different ways. There are challenges at every stage and things that are easier in every stage. To me, that's very different than smugly telling parents of little kids that their struggles are trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

Yes, all she is saying is “I’ve been there done that and your problems are nothing compares to what’s coming!” That’s not rude or “competing” at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy Reminder: did it ever strike you that those older women are experiencing their own trauma? Triggered by seeing your angelic child. It is called Empty Nest.

Again, don't see other moms (even those in different phases of the process) as judges or competitors. They are on the same journey as you, just in a different leg.

Then why are they coming up to me and introducing the topic? I don’t have time to help a mom I barely know through her empty nest trauma. I haven’t slept in days, the pediatrician told me my son has delayed speech and should be evaluated for developmental issues, and my daughter keeps putting small objects in her mouth and choking on them whenever I turn my back. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

And? So? I have older kids and I would never say that to a sleep-deprived parent. What rubbish. Every stage comes with blessings and curses. Do your best, enjoy what you can, know that others have been through the rough things, so you can reach out and find resources and community to help you through.

And yes, that woman and her ilk are trying to compete and one-up. They want to feel smug. Leave them to it.

I find it hard to believe that when one parent sees another struggling, they say "Enjoy these precious moments." COME ON!

They usually say that at some adorable moment. You people are being ridiculous.

Actually both my kids were being loud and difficult in Target last week and another mom truly did smile and tell me I’d miss these days. I wanted to punch her. Like why would you tell someone who is clearly struggling “cherish this because it’s all downhill from here!” Read the room, people. Don’t project your nonsense onto strangers struggling with toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy Reminder: did it ever strike you that those older women are experiencing their own trauma? Triggered by seeing your angelic child. It is called Empty Nest.

Again, don't see other moms (even those in different phases of the process) as judges or competitors. They are on the same journey as you, just in a different leg.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy Reminder: did it ever strike you that those older women are experiencing their own trauma? Triggered by seeing your angelic child. It is called Empty Nest.

Again, don't see other moms (even those in different phases of the process) as judges or competitors. They are on the same journey as you, just in a different leg.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

Um, you tried, but nope. Empty Nest "Trauma" (give me a break) can be alleviated with phone calls, texts, visits, FaceTime, future plans, etc.

There is no immediate alleviation for sleep deprivation, cracked nipples and colic.

-Mom of college-aged kids