Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?

[Anonymous]

Life is tough, if you can make it easier for anyone, do it. Your adult children are no exception.

[Anonymous]

OP disappeared. I hope she wasn't trolling us.

[Anonymous]

Understandable that people think this is a troll but my own family was sort of similar to this (although my family was middle class). The most extreme example being that my mother used to literally take the Christmas gifts I received from family friends and school secret Santa and pack them in shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child because “they need it more” and to teach me the importance of giving to others.

My mom’s attitude, which I see pretty strongly in OP, has permanently damaged our relationship. Looking back, I see a pretty self-centered parent with a grandiose view of their own parenting, who attributed all of my accomplishments to the “advantages” they gave me. There’s also a hero complex element in always seeing others as needing help, but never your own kid. I also know a fundamental truth about my mother, which is that she will never be in “my corner.” It’s sad that because my mom’s identity as a parent was so enmeshed with her perception of me, she truly never thought about my feelings or needs as an individual human being.

My mom has really come to terms with this in recent years and apologized, but our relationship will never be what she hopes because I know that her true orientation will always be towards anyone who isn’t me. It is heartbreaking for both of us, particularly as I’ve moved past most of the anger and now just feel some sadness and a good amount of pity.

OP, I would take a hard look in the mirror. I doubt this is the first time your daughter has felt this way, and even if it is, these things hurt for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

If DC attends a "medical school powerhouse" perhaps OP just wants her to see where that institution takes her - perhaps OP sees the doors she and her husband can open as limiting or less prestigious for some reason. Okay to offer these opportunities to those in need, but not perhaps the optimal path for her DC (would this be settling? that's the gist I'm getting). Encourage her to to think bigger - why not? - She has worked very hard and if it does not work out, you can always step back in. DC may thank you in the end....

[Anonymous]

You lost me at “I and her Dad…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are giving other kids an edge over your child in terms of application/admissions. This makes no sense. She's a good student, good child/adult, why would you punish her like this?

No, she is trying to level the playing field. Instead of some kids having all the advantages (her daughter) and some having none (friends), they are trying to balance life out. OPs daughter has had a foundation of privilege, opportunity, and advantage. Using your connections to get your family members even further ahead just wides the gap. Nepotism happens everywhere but it doesn't mean it is good - it only widens the gap between the haves and the have nots. The other kids haven't had a foundation of privilege, opportunity and advantage so giving them a helping hand now after they put in a lot of heir own effort is helping to bridge that gap. Encouraging their daughter to put in some of her own effort versus adding more advantage isn't a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you are giving other kids an edge over your child in terms of application/admissions. This makes no sense. She's a good student, good child/adult, why would you punish her like this?

No, she is trying to level the playing field. Instead of some kids having all the advantages (her daughter) and some having none (friends), they are trying to balance life out. OPs daughter has had a foundation of privilege, opportunity, and advantage. Using your connections to get your family members even further ahead just wides the gap. Nepotism happens everywhere but it doesn't mean it is good - it only widens the gap between the haves and the have nots. The other kids haven't had a foundation of privilege, opportunity and advantage so giving them a helping hand now after they put in a lot of heir own effort is helping to bridge that gap. Encouraging their daughter to put in some of her own effort versus adding more advantage isn't a bad thing.

Thank you Bernie! You can help level the playing field without alienating your child. OP’s kid isn’t a trust fund baby and is very accomplished so no slacker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was first one in my family to go to medical school. My mom got married at 16 and didn't get an education. I never even saw a hospital before i joined medical school. I had limited resources, language barriers, attention deficit, inferiority complex but i did manage to get accepted at and graduate from a medical school. I know it was ALL ME. No one ever handed me undeserved opportunities. Its a great feeling.

Ooh, okay, I’ll play. What year was this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine have to make it on their own after age 18. They're adults at 18. I expect them to act like adults.

Yep, cut 'em off. They have no parents after 18. Don't be surprised when you don't see your grandkids and are stuck finding and paying for your own nursing home, Mr. Independent.

OP, you are taking this too far, especially since you helped your kids' friends, for God's sake.

I agree with the poster that said that the OP is a troll.

If the OP isn't a troll, I agree with the pp that I quoted.

[Anonymous]

It is tricky, but I think your instinct is right.

When my DD started college, the school offered a talk for parents about how their relationship with their child should change with this transition. They gave the example of the kid calling home to get ideas for a paper topic. They said that even if it would have been normal in high school for you to brainstorm ideas with them, now you should say, "Why don't you make an appointment with the Research Librarian at your school to research a good paper topic."

They were encouraging us to wean our kids off of reaching out to us for every little thing, so they could learn to stand on their own two feet. The school was trying o turn out independent adults and wanted us to all row in the same direction.

Your daughter will need a lot of confidence to be a physician. Everyone benefits from learning how to access the resources available to them. So, I think you should find a way to communicate your rationale/goals with your daughter.

It will probably be rough for her to understand. Just show her ways you are still there for her, but that you KNOW how capable she is and would love to hear all about the leads she is turning up on her own. That will make her feel proud, and confident that she does not NEED you two to get by. Good luck (you sound like thoughtful and caring parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at “I and her Dad…”

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at “I and her Dad…”

LOL

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m a first generation physician as well, parents were immigrants.
I still have an “I can do it all on my own” academic and work ethic that I unconsciously adopted from my parents who came with nothing, spoke minimal English and somehow managed to raise 3 children who all became physicians, with zero connections in helping build my resume, in getting accepted to medical school, residency etc.

I find I have to work to balance this way of thinking without veering towards nepotism - which I know exists but have a hard time with.
So I think this is more complex issue, psychologically, than some PP can appreciate. I also appreciate the idea that you don’t want your daughter to feel pressured by you to become a physician.

Still, she has taken the initiative to ask for opportunities to enhance her medical school application. You are already helping others. IMO you should help her similarly - instead of then spending time seeking opportunities, she can spend time experiencing the clinical or research opportunities and figure out if this is what she wants. If I were your daughter, I would actually feel you were thwarting my efforts in trying to get into medical school by refusing to help while you help others more “unfortunate”.