Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

You should help your dd. By your own logic you shouldn't have helped older sister's friends because you want them to find their own opportunities and make sure that they weren't "pressure into medicine"

[Anonymous]

You clearly resent your own kid. Sounds like you’re jealous that she has more advantages than you did, so you need to punish her by helping others get ahead of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine have to make it on their own after age 18. They're adults at 18. I expect them to act like adults.

This is the mindset of someone who hasn’t gone far enough in life to provide any advantages for their kids anyway, so no loss to these kids. Maybe your kids will grow beyond mediocrity and one day be able to pass experiences and advice and help to raise up future generations of your family.

[Anonymous]

I did a lot for my dad's career and he did not help me with mine at all. He did not want to owe anyone any favors. He did finally help me once, but for years nothing while I watched him help others. Whatever, he sent me through college and grad school, or rather his parents did. But it was strange to me, that he didn't give me advice or help me network after I helped him so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did a lot for my dad's career and he did not help me with mine at all. He did not want to owe anyone any favors. He did finally help me once, but for years nothing while I watched him help others. Whatever, he sent me through college and grad school, or rather his parents did. But it was strange to me, that he didn't give me advice or help me network after I helped him so much.

You did a lot for your dad’s career? Like what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

Did you explain all that to her -- that you think it's better for her that you don't help?

OP here. Yes, we told her that. We've always expected her to be independent to a certain extent.

You helped other people's kids and not your own. You suck and your ideas are outdated and stale. Team Daughter.

[Anonymous]

That sounds incredibly cruel. It doesn’t make sense to me that you won’t allow your children to benefit from your connections and expertise. I don’t blame your dd, I feel mad for her too.

[Anonymous]

How much does she need to accomplish on her own before you decide she is worthy of you?

[Anonymous]

If she were my daughter I would definitely help her out. She has proven she can accomplish a lot on her own so why not assist her as you have others. My son went to an Ivy and then a top medical school all on his merits (we did pay!) and I would gladly have offered assistance if I were in the profession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

Did you explain all that to her -- that you think it's better for her that you don't help?

OP here. Yes, we told her that. We've always expected her to be independent to a certain extent.

Being 'independent' doesn't mean you don't provide assistance. There's a difference between not having the skills to do something and outsourcing/asking someone from help doing something. I'm sure you have outsourced household cleaning. By your definition, that means you're not independent.

[Anonymous]

I understand your motivation. My own very well-connected parents didn’t refer me for jobs and internships and I’m kind of resentful, but I’ve been able to make a great career of my own efforts. That said, why not just help her?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not right and it's not fair to judge your DD's situation with 20+ years ago when you went to medical school. Just because you have done it 20+ years ago, doesn't mean you will be able to do it now if you were in your DD's shoes. Your post reminds me of parents saying "I paid for my own education when I was your age" nonsense. Time has changed, system has changed, process may look similar but it has changed too. Your reference point is out-dated.

[Anonymous]

OP are you and your DH originally from a different country? You sound naive and idealistic and frankly, stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you and your DH originally from a different country? You sound naive and idealistic and frankly, stupid.

The immigrants I know (us included) are all acutely aware of how connections can help our children. Please don't equate foreigners with idiots.

I think this smacks more of the already established socio-economic complacency of a certain swathe of the population which perhaps does not keep abreast of the times and does not realize that their efforts as young adults cannot be compared to what young adults need to do today in their more competitive and crowded field.

[Anonymous]

You've already given her plenty of advantages that many kids won't have access to. What's a few more? Seriously, why stop now? She didn't make it on her own this far, why does it matter if you continue to make the path easier for her as you've already been doing.