Reply to Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?

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[quote=Anonymous]Understandable that people think this is a troll but my own family was sort of similar to this (although my family was middle class). The most extreme example being that my mother used to literally take the Christmas gifts I received from family friends and school secret Santa and pack them in shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child because “they need it more” and to teach me the importance of giving to others.

My mom’s attitude, which I see pretty strongly in OP, has permanently damaged our relationship. Looking back, I see a pretty self-centered parent with a grandiose view of their own parenting, who attributed all of my accomplishments to the “advantages” they gave me. There’s also a hero complex element in always seeing others as needing help, but never your own kid. I also know a fundamental truth about my mother, which is that she will never be in “my corner.” It’s sad that because my mom’s identity as a parent was so enmeshed with her perception of me, she truly never thought about my feelings or needs as an individual human being.

My mom has really come to terms with this in recent years and apologized, but our relationship will never be what she hopes because I know that her true orientation will always be towards anyone who isn’t me. It is heartbreaking for both of us, particularly as I’ve moved past most of the anger and now just feel some sadness and a good amount of pity.

OP, I would take a hard look in the mirror. I doubt this is the first time your daughter has felt this way, and even if it is, these things hurt for a very long time.[/quote]

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