Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?
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Anonymous
| My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this. |
Anonymous
| Because your value system of "what's fair" doesn't seem fair to her (and reading what you wrote, I guess I agree with her). I think you are overthinking "make it yourself" thing too seriously. I don't see any issues with helping out to the extend you helped other kids? I am not going to say you are playing favoritism, but it does sound uneven treatment |
Anonymous
| I feel bad for her that you will help out others and not her. She should be your first priority. |
Anonymous
| Help your own child! This is how it works… |
Anonymous
| I think it’s a good thing |
Anonymous
| You are selfish parents. Your DD is doing amazing. Help her out. |
Anonymous
| Oh wow. I was all about your premise (and I mean not giving tons of money to kids). But you’re helping friends and won’t help her find jobs and internships? Team daughter. She has earned the same help they have. |
Anonymous
Did you explain all that to her -- that you think it's better for her that you don't help? |
Anonymous
+1 she’s not a junior in high school. She’s made significant efforts to find her own way and is excelling. I think she’s done enough proving of herself. |
Anonymous
| I got my own internships and jobs wo help from my parents. I’m glad for it. I felt proud that I was able to work things out on my own. |
Anonymous
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I don't get the reasoning, OP: if your goal is for your DD to be sure medical training is for her, why does it matter how she gets her experience? Surely what matters is the actual experience. Maybe your connections aren't better than what she could find on her own, but she's asking, and she's young. Maybe you can help her (even by telling her that such and such attached to her school is actually more useful than the people you know). On a separate note, I find it fascinating that you are adopting this approach of ground zero at every generation. Many families operate on the principle that future generations build on the success of past generations, and that's how you secure a better future for your descendants. My husband is a research scientist. He clawed his way up to several terminal degrees (MD, PhD, several MS) from being a hungry war refugee. He sure as heck isn't going to let his kids suffer exactly what he went through! The entire point is to build on what other relatives have labored over and sacrificed for. |
Anonymous
| This is such a bizarre scenario I have a hard time believing this isn’t a troll. |
Anonymous
Let's wait and see what OP says when she returns. |
Anonymous
| Thinking you have done some serious permanent damage with that decision. |
Anonymous
| Are you going to pay her med school tuition? Are you paying college tuition now?? |