Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine have to make it on their own after age 18. They're adults at 18. I expect them to act like adults.

Yep, cut 'em off. They have no parents after 18. Don't be surprised when you don't see your grandkids and are stuck finding and paying for your own nursing home, Mr. Independent.

OP, you are taking this too far, especially since you helped your kids' friends, for God's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you and your DH originally from a different country? You sound naive and idealistic and frankly, stupid.

The immigrants I know (us included) are all acutely aware of how connections can help our children. Please don't equate foreigners with idiots.

I think this smacks more of the already established socio-economic complacency of a certain swathe of the population which perhaps does not keep abreast of the times and does not realize that their efforts as young adults cannot be compared to what young adults need to do today in their more competitive and crowded field.

I am a foreigner myself. That's how I recognize this trait amongst idealistic "new Americans" without a clue.

[Anonymous]

If you've funded other people and not your own kid in a similar circumstance, yeah I'd be mad too.

Wanting our kids to make it on their own is an important goal that I agree with. But your kid hardly sounds like a slacker. I don't think you have to worry about her becoming an undisciplined trust fund baby.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you would refuse to use your connections to help her. Very very weird. You are weird. Your child is not a scientific experiment, with a hypothesis she can "make it on her own" and now you test the hypothesis with data. Oh geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because your value system of "what's fair" doesn't seem fair to her (and reading what you wrote, I guess I agree with her). I think you are overthinking "make it yourself" thing too seriously. I don't see any issues with helping out to the extend you helped other kids? I am not going to say you are playing favoritism, but it does sound uneven treatment

+1

+2
You don't have a principled stand against helping young adults. You won't do for her what you have done for others. That does seem unfair. Why was it okay to help those other kids? Why didn't they need to "make it on their own"? Did you think you were hurting them by giving them an opportunity? I absolutely see your daughter's point.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t you help your child?? You suck as parents and at grammar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

They fact you think you did it "alone" says a lot about you. I hope you realize that cannot be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a bizarre scenario I have a hard time believing this isn’t a troll.

“Premed powerhouse school” was a tip-off. Do people really say that?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a bizarre scenario I have a hard time believing this isn’t a troll.

“Premed powerhouse school” was a tip-off. Do people really say that?!?

Not unless it's a big name school like Brown or Johns Hopkins.

[Anonymous]

My experience with high school age kids is that the hard working, ambitious kids are really working hard. Life is much more competitive today that it ever has been and you won’t see a kid in a “powerhouse” school who got there by coasting. Why continue to make things difficult for your DD when you can potentially lighten the load or reduce stress for her? She may end up feeling that your connections aren’t what she was looking for anyway, but why damage your relationship with her over it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

She is upset because of the pressure of medical school admission process and taking it out on you. If you feel its possible for her to manage it herself, let her know. Its just a different feel to do things on your own, makes you are way more confident and successful. Becoming taller by standing on shoulders of others leaves a hole in your personality.

[Anonymous]

I was first one in my family to go to medical school. My mom got married at 16 and didn't get an education. I never even saw a hospital before i joined medical school. I had limited resources, language barriers, attention deficit, inferiority complex but i did manage to get accepted at and graduate from a medical school. I know it was ALL ME. No one ever handed me undeserved opportunities. Its a great feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was first one in my family to go to medical school. My mom got married at 16 and didn't get an education. I never even saw a hospital before i joined medical school. I had limited resources, language barriers, attention deficit, inferiority complex but i did manage to get accepted at and graduate from a medical school. I know it was ALL ME. No one ever handed me undeserved opportunities. Its a great feeling.

Thanks for playing, doctor.

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand your equity concerns. But wouldn’t a better way to address those concerns be that you help your daughter and raise her to help others? Pay it forward should be the family ethos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a bizarre scenario I have a hard time believing this isn’t a troll.

“Premed powerhouse school” was a tip-off. Do people really say that?!?

Not unless it's a big name school like Brown or Johns Hopkins.

Nah, even those schools, I have never heard that