Not helping adult children because we want them to make it on their own?

[Anonymous]

Mine have to make it on their own after age 18. They're adults at 18. I expect them to act like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

Did you explain all that to her -- that you think it's better for her that you don't help?

OP here. Yes, we told her that. We've always expected her to be independent to a certain extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to pay her med school tuition? Are you paying college tuition now??

OP here. Yes, we are paying for her college tuition and her housing expenses. She earns her own money for food and miscellaneous expenses. We'll pay for med school if she decides to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is on the premed track at a premed powerhouse school and she's doing well (high grades, has a great community, and is involved in activities). I and her dad are both physicians and we're so proud that she's following in our footsteps and that she's doing so well. But, we don't want her to feel like she got pressured into medicine and want her to get there on her own merit - that her accomplishments are hers alone, just like we did as first-generation doctors. She's asked for help with finding clinical opportunities and shadowing, but she has plenty of opportunities at her own school/med school attached to her undergraduate school. So, we've encouraged her to seek out opportunities there instead of connecting her to our resources because there's so much opportunity there. Previously, we've given research projects and clinical opportunities to her older sister's friends who were less fortunate and didn't have such a strong support system. Now, she's mad at us and accusing us of favoritism when we just want her to figure out if a career in medicine is for her on her own. We've provided everything for her. I don't understand why she is mad about this.

Did you explain all that to her -- that you think it's better for her that you don't help?

OP here. Yes, we told her that. We've always expected her to be independent to a certain extent.

And you are certain you will stay that way no matter what? What if she doesn't get into one first year she applies. Will you still not help her next year? Wrong time to teach right lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to pay her med school tuition? Are you paying college tuition now??

OP here. Yes, we are paying for her college tuition and her housing expenses. She earns her own money for food and miscellaneous expenses. We'll pay for med school if she decides to go.

Doesn't that violate your "make it on your own" rule?

[Anonymous]

Med school admission is really really really hard. My coworker (URM doctor) helped her daughter and she couldn't get in any where this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get the reasoning, OP: if your goal is for your DD to be sure medical training is for her, why does it matter how she gets her experience? Surely what matters is the actual experience. Maybe your connections aren't better than what she could find on her own, but she's asking, and she's young. Maybe you can help her (even by telling her that such and such attached to her school is actually more useful than the people you know).

On a separate note, I find it fascinating that you are adopting this approach of ground zero at every generation. Many families operate on the principle that future generations build on the success of past generations, and that's how you secure a better future for your descendants.

My husband is a research scientist. He clawed his way up to several terminal degrees (MD, PhD, several MS) from being a hungry war refugee. He sure as heck isn't going to let his kids suffer exactly what he went through! The entire point is to build on what other relatives have labored over and sacrificed for.

The second para here stood out to me. Many work hard for build family network snd connections and wealth and pass access to that to their children. You decided your not doing that in at least part way. I think you need to tell your kid that and know that its setting her back amongst peers who do have supportive families using all the resources they have. She may still make it and it'll be a great accomplishment but so much harder. You value your kid having to work harder for her success than others. Thats fine but that's what it is and she can be mad about it and deem it unfair.

[Anonymous]

She's mad about it because it's stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get the reasoning, OP: if your goal is for your DD to be sure medical training is for her, why does it matter how she gets her experience? Surely what matters is the actual experience. Maybe your connections aren't better than what she could find on her own, but she's asking, and she's young. Maybe you can help her (even by telling her that such and such attached to her school is actually more useful than the people you know).

On a separate note, I find it fascinating that you are adopting this approach of ground zero at every generation. Many families operate on the principle that future generations build on the success of past generations, and that's how you secure a better future for your descendants.

My husband is a research scientist. He clawed his way up to several terminal degrees (MD, PhD, several MS) from being a hungry war refugee. He sure as heck isn't going to let his kids suffer exactly what he went through! The entire point is to build on what other relatives have labored over and sacrificed for.

The second para here stood out to me. Many work hard for build family network snd connections and wealth and pass access to that to their children. You decided your not doing that in at least part way. I think you need to tell your kid that and know that its setting her back amongst peers who do have supportive families using all the resources they have. She may still make it and it'll be a great accomplishment but so much harder. You value your kid having to work harder for her success than others. Thats fine but that's what it is and she can be mad about it and deem it unfair.

I want to point out that this isn't politics, where being the Senator's nephew can open doors to a coveted internship: often connections in med school don't really tip the scales at all. So the worse of the story here is that OP created "betrayal" in the mind of her child for nothing, because her professional contacts may not have mounted to much anyway. I feel really sad for OP's child.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with you?! Of course you should help out your daughter.

I would be mad and hurt by your actions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because your value system of "what's fair" doesn't seem fair to her (and reading what you wrote, I guess I agree with her). I think you are overthinking "make it yourself" thing too seriously. I don't see any issues with helping out to the extend you helped other kids? I am not going to say you are playing favoritism, but it does sound uneven treatment

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's mad about it because it's stupid.

+1 I really like succinct, on target people!

[Anonymous]

Physician parent here. I don’t understand your reasoning. Either you treat her as an adult and not help her out at all (paying for college and medical education) or you do and help her arrange some clinical/shadowing opportunities to help her decide if medicine is right for her. Of course she is angry in this scenario. If you helped out other students to arrange similar opportunities and refuse to help her, you’re sending her the message that she’s not worthy and you don’t want to vouch for her.

[Anonymous]

So you're SOMEONE in the world of medicine and biomedical research, and you feel that you cannot be seen to use nepotism in your exalted position?

Even so, your story is still ridiculous, since your kid needs a stellar academic profile to get into med school.

[Anonymous]

So, you are giving other kids an edge over your child in terms of application/admissions. This makes no sense. She's a good student, good child/adult, why would you punish her like this?