DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, [b]being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

You sound bitter.

No. She is intelligent and mature. Too bad OP was neither

Absolutely none of you sound intelligent or mature. Nasty is the word that comes to mind.

I feel so badly for the OPs kids. They know in their hearts their dad doesn't want them around. How awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think it’s surprising that intensive parenting is a massive drag on BOTH parents. Women are just socialized to act like it’s fun more. It’s not fun. You can read a whole book about it. It’s called All Joy No Fun.

There are no easy solutions to the intensive parenting trap as it reflects how our society has evolved. I would look into ways to build your kids capacity for independent play.

It helps me to think of my family as a team and to involve my kids with chores. I also think about my relationship with my kids instead of defining that as parenting.

Your husband is verbalizing what others are thinking, including many moms as PP have described.

It’s not failure. It’s completely unrealistic expectations of a post-industrial society. These standards are the weird new thing, not the husband.

The Mommy Myth is a super helpful book. Helped me shift my perspective.

I still have to “curate” for my kids, but I can do that in a way that leaves space for my own sanity.

This right here. It helps me to remember that this isn’t fun and was supposed to be considered fun until maybe 30 years ago. Parenting is another form of work. Try your best to throw money at the problem and make your life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, [b]being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times....I'm in prison...boo hoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding.
Most of the solution is time; it gets better.
The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude.
Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased.

This. Give him 4-5 hours on his own say Saturday morning while you take the kids to the park and out to a cheap kid friendly lunch. Hopefully he can do the same another day. Maybe that will cheer him up. And if not, maybe he might want to talk to a therapist (they’re getting cheaper with the internet ones which many insurance companies do cover.)

Normally I would be in the “tell him to suck it up camp,” but my husband used to take first our one and then the second out every Saturday morning from say 8am - 1pm. This was for about 6 years. It was completely awesome. I can still feel that warm glowing feeling I had years later. What helped was consistency (they went to a tumbling class, etc.), then out errand running and lunch. What helped was that he wanted to do it, too, so I wasn’t cramming it down his throat. It was his idea, in fact. Kids loved it, too. The older one, who got to do it for longer, developed a strong bond that is here to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, [b]so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times....I'm in prison...boo hoo.

I don’t think someone is all of these insults you say just because they want to enjoy their life without the burden of children. I’m immature and annoying because I want to be able to spend 15 minutes getting dressed without numerous interruptions, someone crying, and someone yelling for me six times?

I wouldn’t have had kids if I had known what it would be like. No one knows and then it’s a permanent decision. Everyone says it’s the best thing ever. Except many of us find out that it’s not. Then there are the parents like you who insult people just because they dislike something that you enjoy.

Perhaps we are simply more evolved? I didn’t play with legos or travel to Disney as an adult pre-kids and I don’t want to now. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times..[b]..I'm in prison...boo hoo.

You have reading comprehension problems. The prison reference was in regards to posters suggesting DH has depression. No. He dislikes parenting. He is happy when he is not having to deal with his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times..[b]..I'm in prison...boo hoo.

You have reading comprehension problems. The prison reference was in regards to posters suggesting DH has depression. No. He dislikes parenting. He is happy when he is not having to deal with his children.

Nope. Not a problem with reading comprehension. Selfish adults is the problem. What did you think parenting would be like?

You don't have to love parenting. But you still have to do it decently for the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times..[b]..I'm in prison...boo hoo.

You have reading comprehension problems. The prison reference was in regards to posters suggesting DH has depression. No. He dislikes parenting. He is happy when he is not having to deal with his children.

And the poster who wrote the prison reference also has reading comprehension issues. They were responding to a post from the first page where it was suggested that OP’s GET SCREENED for depression to RULE IT OUT. No one stated that he is depressed. However, there’s enough that OP posted that warrants a little curiosity around it. The respondent here with the prison eeference is clearly triggered by they mere mention that OP’s husband get depression ruled out.
Sure. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom and absolutely hated the early childhood period. I didn't enjoy my kids until they were 7 or so. Teenage years were so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, [b]so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times....I'm in prison...boo hoo.

I don’t think someone is all of these insults you say just because they want to enjoy their life without the burden of children. I’m immature and annoying because I want to be able to spend 15 minutes getting dressed without numerous interruptions, someone crying, and someone yelling for me six times?

I wouldn’t have had kids if I had known what it would be like. No one knows and then it’s a permanent decision. Everyone says it’s the best thing ever. Except many of us find out that it’s not. Then there are the parents like you who insult people just because they dislike something that you enjoy.

Perhaps we are simply more evolved? I didn’t play with legos or travel to Disney as an adult pre-kids and I don’t want to now. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.

More evolved? Nice rationalization. If you were more evolved you would realize that playing with legos and trips to Disneyworld are not = to good parenting. If you don't like playing kid games, you don't have to. You can completely avoid trips to places like Disney. Kids don't need those things. They need love and patience. They need to know you are a place of security and acceptance.

What were you doing in the years before kids that you had *no idea* what it would be like before you took on *willingly* this massive responsibility? Had you never ever been around a child? Babysat? anything?

For your kids sake, find a good therapist. I say that with *absolutely no snark*. I mean it completely sincerely. You need to find a way to deal with your disappointments without taking it out on your poor kids. They didn't ask you to have them but your buyer's remorse could have serious consequences for them that they don't deserve.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

Yeah, but the problem is that he’s also a crap partner. He’s miserable to be around. He whines all the time. Yeah, raising little kids is hard. But it doesn’t get easier with nonstop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding.
Most of the solution is time; it gets better.
The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude.
Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased.

Truth. I have 5. Two are with grandparents this week and it feels so quiet. Perspective changes are powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

OP, would he be willing to talk to a counselor with you? He needs to think about how his behavior is going to affect his children. If he loves them, he needs to grow up and figure out how to get through this rough time without sacrificing their emotional health. Period. They will know how he feels.

It bothers me tremendously to see so many responses to you about how *you* have to do *more* to make up for his inadequacies as a parent, BUT the truth is that you probably do for the sake of your kids. But in the meantime, couples therapy would be optimal for you to both hash things out with an independent person. If he won't do that, just a therapist for you to vent to and develop coping strategies with would be a good idea. Your resentment towards him will only grow if this goes on and that is a marriage killer.