DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times..[b]..I'm in prison...boo hoo.

You have reading comprehension problems. The prison reference was in regards to posters suggesting DH has depression. No. He dislikes parenting. He is happy when he is not having to deal with his children.

Nope. Not a problem with reading comprehension. Selfish adults is the problem. What did you think parenting would be like?

You don't have to love parenting. But you still have to do it decently for the sake of your kids.

It seems to me that the recent posters are trying their best to do it decently but are unhappy and are using an anonymous forum to say things that are verboten in our society. And it's clear why. Mention you are struggling and you are labeled selfish and narcissistic. Better to just pretend all is well and suffer in silence I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

This. If you dislike mothering, you’re going to be put on meds. It’s like women aren’t allowed to be upset their lives changed dramatically. Your mr tally I’ll id you want to be free to focus on your career, dislike what childbirth did to your body, want to be able to travel without arranging childcare and bringing along botttles, car seats etc.

I very much dislike having kids. I live my kids, but dislike what it has done to my life. I don’t know what the solution is. For me, it’s to work outside of the house and take childfree vacations. I feel the same way as the DH. I can barely socialize at a neighborhood party and have an uninterrupted adult conversation.

I think that I’ve been lucky that my friends don’t really subscribe to this intensive parenting. I had a playgroup every week with 3 other moms for years. There were 14 kids in the playgroup when it ended, and we had long adult conversations every week. Maybe someone would be nursing a baby or holding a toddler that wanted to cuddle while adults were talking, but if kids came up to interrupt the conversation, they were told to go and play while mom is talking with her friends. Those women were (and still are) my closest friends. I can’t imagine making it through parenting without adult conversation with other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, [b]so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times....I'm in prison...boo hoo.

I don’t think someone is all of these insults you say just because they want to enjoy their life without the burden of children. I’m immature and annoying because I want to be able to spend 15 minutes getting dressed without numerous interruptions, someone crying, and someone yelling for me six times?

I wouldn’t have had kids if I had known what it would be like. No one knows and then it’s a permanent decision. Everyone says it’s the best thing ever. Except many of us find out that it’s not. Then there are the parents like you who insult people just because they dislike something that you enjoy.

Perhaps we are simply more evolved? I didn’t play with legos or travel to Disney as an adult pre-kids and I don’t want to now. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.

More evolved? Nice rationalization. If you were more evolved you would realize that playing with legos and trips to Disneyworld are not = to good parenting. If you don't like playing kid games, you don't have to. You can completely avoid trips to places like Disney. Kids don't need those things. They need love and patience. They need to know you are a place of security and acceptance.

What were you doing in the years before kids that you had *no idea* what it would be like before you took on *willingly* this massive responsibility? Had you never ever been around a child? Babysat? anything?

For your kids sake, find a good therapist. I say that with *absolutely no snark*. I mean it completely sincerely. You need to find a way to deal with your disappointments without taking it out on your poor kids. They didn't ask you to have them but your buyer's remorse could have serious consequences for them that they don't deserve.

Who said I’m taking it out on my kids or not an excellent parent? Why are you so angry that I dislike being a parent?? It really says something about you. I simply dislike parenting and it’s not what I expected. I’m sorry this angers you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times..[b]..I'm in prison...boo hoo.

You have reading comprehension problems. The prison reference was in regards to posters suggesting DH has depression. No. He dislikes parenting. He is happy when he is not having to deal with his children.

Nope. Not a problem with reading comprehension. Selfish adults is the problem. What did you think parenting would be like?

You don't have to love parenting. But you still have to do it decently for the sake of your kids.

It seems to me that the recent posters are trying their best to do it decently but are unhappy and are using an anonymous forum to say things that are verboten in our society. And it's clear why. Mention you are struggling and you are labeled selfish and narcissistic. Better to just pretend all is well and suffer in silence I guess.

Agree. Notice how the PP is automatically assuming the poster is a bad parent? So now if you dislike being a parent you’re also being told this makes you a bad parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

OP, would he be willing to talk to a counselor with you? He needs to think about how his behavior is going to affect his children. If he loves them, he needs to grow up and figure out how to get through this rough time without sacrificing their emotional health. Period. They will know how he feels.

It bothers me tremendously to see so many responses to you about how *you* have to do *more* to make up for his inadequacies as a parent, BUT the truth is that you probably do for the sake of your kids. But in the meantime, couples therapy would be optimal for you to both hash things out with an independent person. If he won't do that, just a therapist for you to vent to and develop coping strategies with would be a good idea. Your resentment towards him will only grow if this goes on and that is a marriage killer.

I can’t stand these suggestions about therapy. Will therapy get my children to stop screaming? Will the counselor pack their suitcases before vacation? Will the counselor write down the instructions for the babysitter? Will the counselor tend to my child in the middle of the night? There is nothing that TALKING will do to actually decrease the amount of work necessary to properly raise children. I’d argue therapy would even make my situation worse. It would mean I’d have one more child related responsibility each week!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

OP, would he be willing to talk to a counselor with you? He needs to think about how his behavior is going to affect his children. If he loves them, he needs to grow up and figure out how to get through this rough time without sacrificing their emotional health. Period. They will know how he feels.

It bothers me tremendously to see so many responses to you about how *you* have to do *more* to make up for his inadequacies as a parent, BUT the truth is that you probably do for the sake of your kids. But in the meantime, couples therapy would be optimal for you to both hash things out with an independent person. If he won't do that, just a therapist for you to vent to and develop coping strategies with would be a good idea. Your resentment towards him will only grow if this goes on and that is a marriage killer.

I can’t stand these suggestions about therapy. Will therapy get my children to stop screaming? Will the counselor pack their suitcases before vacation? Will the counselor write down the instructions for the babysitter? Will the counselor tend to my child in the middle of the night? There is nothing that TALKING will do to actually decrease the amount of work necessary to properly raise children. I’d argue therapy would even make my situation worse. It would mean I’d have one more child related responsibility each week!!!

Triggered at the suggestion of therapy.


Okay.

[Anonymous]

This is my BIL. They have boatloads of money, though, so my sister stopped working and they have a full-time nanny for two ES kids. Nanny is for all intents and purposes the co-parent.

[Anonymous]

OP grow up.

You brought two into this world knowlingly.

Your husband is a jerk. Get parenting help him too.

[Anonymous]

I have relinquished my DH of all duties. I asked him to tell me he wanted me to do it all, and if he did, I wouldn’t have resentment because that was the expectation.

Now, he pops in and out and smiles and then we go about our day. We are all happier. My kids know to come to me for things. It works for us and our house is much calmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have relinquished my DH of all duties. I asked him to tell me he wanted me to do it all, and if he did, I wouldn’t have resentment because that was the expectation.

Now, he pops in and out and smiles and then we go about our day. We are all happier. My kids know to come to me for things. It works for us and our house is much calmer.

That sounds like the perfect set up/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have relinquished my DH of all duties. I asked him to tell me he wanted me to do it all, and if he did, I wouldn’t have resentment because that was the expectation.

Now, he pops in and out and smiles and then we go about our day. We are all happier. My kids know to come to me for things. It works for us and our house is much calmer.

Your kids will also know their father is not present. Don’t kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

Yeah, but the problem is that he’s also a crap partner. He’s miserable to be around. He whines all the time. Yeah, raising little kids is hard. But it doesn’t get easier with nonstop complaining.

I can see that. It's all hard AF. I've begun to resent all the work and noise and interruptions, too. I complain about it less than H, but if he is yelling and angry at the kids it actually makes me more likely to yell and be angry too. I try to give him lots of time off to golf or whatever, but sometimes he just chooses to sit around and be miserable.

I'm just saying it's a common problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

Yeah, but the problem is that he’s also a crap partner. He’s miserable to be around. He whines all the time. Yeah, raising little kids is hard. But it doesn’t get easier with nonstop complaining.

I can see that. It's all hard AF. I've begun to resent all the work and noise and interruptions, too. I complain about it less than H, but if he is yelling and angry at the kids it actually makes me more likely to yell and be angry too. I try to give him lots of time off to golf or whatever, but sometimes he just chooses to sit around and be miserable.

I'm just saying it's a common problem.

In your house or are you generalizing? This is not a common problem in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

If he isn’t depressed, he should have more control over his emotions and reactions. Sighing, making faces, grumbling, being grouchy etc. around the kids all the time is an AWFUL way for them to grow up. He’s seriously doing a lot of harm to them. I give people with clinical depression more of a pass but what is this man’s excuse to give his kids low self esteem just because “he prefers adult conversation?” Get a hold over yourself, man. It’s not all about you.

[Anonymous]

I'll echo others that need needs to grow the eff up. And no, just because you settled on two doesn't mean all the work is on you. He wasn't tricked. Loser.