DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

You sound bitter.

No. She is intelligent and mature. Too bad OP was neither

OP is clearly going through it and seeking guidance. The PP responded by basically saying OP got what she deserved and ended her comment with “Congratulations!” That’s… intelligent and mature?

[Anonymous]

1) how much sex are you having. Increase it. Man are wired simply, and that may do the trick.

2) vasectomy stat

3) you both work I assume? I would quit and move someplace you can live comfortably off his salary. Let him be a traditional dad, providing, going to happy hour, and you run the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got what you wanted with the additional kid. You knew he didn’t want it.

This is the consequence. All things considered, it sounds fairly normal.

This 💯%. He was very clear he only wanted one. I’m willing to bet the long talks and comprises were you beating him down.
So you got that second kid and now your DH is miserable. I also only wanted one and if my DH browbeat me into a second I’d be equally miserable.
You got your two and now you need to pick up the slack and raise them and allow your DH to enjoy his life with minimal kid disruptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got what you wanted with the additional kid. You knew he didn’t want it.

This is the consequence. All things considered, it sounds fairly normal.

This 💯%. He was very clear he only wanted one. I’m willing to bet the long talks and comprises were you beating him down.
So you got that second kid and now your DH is miserable. I also only wanted one and if my DH browbeat me into a second I’d be equally miserable.
You got your two and now you need to pick up the slack and raise them and allow your DH to enjoy his life with minimal kid disruptions.

All this posters saying that OP needs to pick up slack shows a lack of reading comprehension. The problem with the husband is that he wants uninterrupted time WITH his wife and other adults. He hates the loud noises of his kids in their own home. Explain how OP would “pick up the slack” here. Give us some examples of what she should do to accommodate her poor husband who did ultimately agree to having a second child.

[Anonymous]

I’m about to turn 52 and despite accomplishing a great deal in my life academically and professionally, I’m still a mess inside and still grapple with the clear truth that my father never wanted me and was highly annoyed by my existence. His attitude of course spilled over to my elder sibling and my mother so basically my entire childhood was deeply lonely, loveless and painful.

It’s really awful the things selfish adult people inflict on innocent children who had no choice about existing. Most kids are VERY aware of their parents feelings - parents who delude themselves otherwise are foolish and cruel.

Obviously I believe every child should be a much wanted and much loved child so my opinion on people who essentially coerce other people into having children they don’t want is not very high.

OP however you choose to go forward from here, you just need to know that your kid knows it is resented. So keep that in mind while you’re talking to your husband and deciding how to proceed. I should think that serious counseling is the bare minimum that you and your spouse should engage in as you work to meet the needs of the innocent lives you both brought into this world. Your husband has an obligation to work his shit out and figure out how to show loving acceptance to this kid because the breaking happens at a very early age, the attachment disorders are rooted in very early development and while a kid can seem okay on the surface they can be driven in life by this feeling of having been unwanted and that can manifest in serious issues in young adulthood on. And I know from personal experience that the rejecting parent trying to be a buddy later on won’t necessarily heal the pain or overcome that longstanding feeling of being unwanted. What is engraved on our brains in early childhood tends to be what shapes our sense of self and our core personality that shapes how we perceive everyone and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

I'm in the same boat as you. So surprised how hard it is after the cute baby phase. I have two boys and one has special needs and other is adhd so it adds on to why I am so depressed and find no joy in being a parent. Husband is never around to help, always working or doing his own thing. He says he loves having kids but never around to parent them. Feel bad for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

Thank you for posting. Good luck.

This was me. Now with them at 13 & 14 I absolutely love it. Actually after the age of 5 or so it got so much easier, because they would entertain each other. I just wasn't good at the baby years at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him which one of the kids he'd prefer to give away for adoption. Tell him you thought it over, and given the situation, this is the only reasonable solution. Be firm, tell him you researched it, and you know it can be done. Offer some pros and cons for each kid.

When he looks at you all stunned and starts mumbling something about how it's not that bad, tell him to grow the f.ck up and be a father and partner he is supposed to be.

What if he says "second child.'? Stupid advice

Then it would be a sign for me to walk. Personally, the only reason I need a husband is that I need a partner. That man ain't no partner. Your spouse might get sick, your parents will get old and sick whether you are ready for it or not, and you'll have to deal with it. He will just pout, so I'd rather get rid of the useless blob while I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

I'm in the same boat as you. So surprised how hard it is after the cute baby phase. I have two boys and one has special needs and other is adhd so it adds on to why I am so depressed and find no joy in being a parent. Husband is never around to help, always working or doing his own thing. He says he loves having kids but never around to parent them. Feel bad for our kids.

I, too, hate parenting. Im not even sure I like my kids that much. I don’t enjoy playing with them and I long for daycare drop off on Monday morning. I actually ramped you my career after having kids and volunteer for all the travel no one on my team wants to do. My DH is helpful and a good dad, I’m the dud. I make decent money so I can make their lives comfortable without me around.

When the weekend rolls around I get so angry and anxiety- ridden around them. I know I’m a failure and I should probably bow out of their lives but that may screw them up more.

[Anonymous]

I do not think it’s surprising that intensive parenting is a massive drag on BOTH parents. Women are just socialized to act like it’s fun more. It’s not fun. You can read a whole book about it. It’s called All Joy No Fun.

There are no easy solutions to the intensive parenting trap as it reflects how our society has evolved. I would look into ways to build your kids capacity for independent play.

It helps me to think of my family as a team and to involve my kids with chores. I also think about my relationship with my kids instead of defining that as parenting.

Your husband is verbalizing what others are thinking, including many moms as PP have described.

It’s not failure. It’s completely unrealistic expectations of a post-industrial society. These standards are the weird new thing, not the husband.

The Mommy Myth is a super helpful book. Helped me shift my perspective.

I still have to “curate” for my kids, but I can do that in a way that leaves space for my own sanity.

[Anonymous]

People don't want to acknowledge your husband's feeling is far more common than we want to believe. REGRETFUL parenthood is real and needs to be studied.

Your life is not the same once you have kids. And once you have more than one it's difficult.

I've been lurking the regretful parents on reddit and it's heartbreaking.

Fatherhood probably isn't what he envisioned it to be.

Reality is different than abstract.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should check out the regretfulparents on reddit.