DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

I'm betting the kids sense their dad's disdain for them which might be why the kids are seemingly extra loud and needy when he's around and that just fuels the cycle even more. A catch-22.

Could there be a bit of introvert in DH? And the kids are extroverts? That dynamic is more common than you think and there are countless books on this if you think that's the case.

I'm curious about the kids' behavior. Could grandparents not watch them again bc the kids are bratty? Grandparents too old? Were the kids set up for failure/not able to run off energy/no fun kid activities lined up, etc?

Your dh might have to re-set his expectations. Does he know that 2 young kids are balls of energy, lack the social graces and struggle with manners, get excited about XYZ and eagerly and impatiently want to share with their patents, and other common and normal kid behavior?

Re: adult conversations w/young kids underfoot....For example, can you save the venting about Boss Bob, debating about your upcoming trip's itinerary, and other important topics for when you two actually have time to process and think - like after the kids go to bed?

Not to put blame on DH in all of this, but the kids (the 5 yr old) might need some practice on how to say "excuse me" or give daddy a chance to XYZ before he can play a game with them, or just otherwise pipe down a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding.
Most of the solution is time; it gets better.
The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude.
Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased.

This. Give him 4-5 hours on his own say Saturday morning while you take the kids to the park and out to a cheap kid friendly lunch. Hopefully he can do the same another day. Maybe that will cheer him up. And if not, maybe he might want to talk to a therapist (they’re getting cheaper with the internet ones which many insurance companies do cover.)

omg.. this will never happen.

her DH isn't mature enough to deal with his own two kids, so now OP has to cater to a 3rd kid -- her DH.

I'm sorry OP. We found two hard, too, and I know DH didn't actually want #2 event though he was happy to try for it. I think he was hopeful that it wouldn't happen; not sure why he thought that. I got very easily pregnant with #1.

Things were rough for a couple of years. We had a blow out where I think he realized that I might walk. I knew that he still loved me and didn't want to break up the marriage. It only got marginally better, but we just soldiered on. Every so often I would see that he still wasn't happy with #2, and I think DC picked up on it and made a comment to me about their dad not loving them much. It broke my heart. I told DH what DC said. DH got very quiet. Didn't say much. But I started to the notice DH making overtures to DC. They are now much closer.

Part of it is DCs are older now, so they are easier to manage. Part of it is DH having to come to terms with his feelings, and accepting that this is his family.

Being a parent is hard. We all think we know what kind of parent we will be and how everything will be great, but reality is very different.

Have a chat with your DH about how your kids will pick up on his feelings. Kids are pretty intuitive. Does he want his kids to feel that their dad doesn't like them? That's the chat I had with my DH.

He had a hand in creating this child. Being a parent is more than just providing food, clothing and a roof over their head. Your kids aren't going anywhere, so what kind of father does he want to be? Is he ok damaging his relationship with his kid? I know for me, if their relationship hadn't gotten better, it would've damaged my relationship with him, too, because I would have lost respect for him.

GL

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a grade A Loser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

He told you he only wanted one and you insisted on two. He caved but he didn't want another. However, you got your way and now you have two. He needs to grow up because he is being a worse than a toddler. But you got your way and the second kid is all on you. By the time you're divorced you'll be used to doing it all by yourself. Now you know why you never have a child unless both parents want another child. I feel sorry for both children but not for their spoiled, petulant parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him which one of the kids he'd prefer to give away for adoption. Tell him you thought it over, and given the situation, this is the only reasonable solution. Be firm, tell him you researched it, and you know it can be done. Offer some pros and cons for each kid.

When he looks at you all stunned and starts mumbling something about how it's not that bad, tell him to grow the f.ck up and be a father and partner he is supposed to be.

What if he says "second child.'? Stupid advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

He told you he only wanted one and you insisted on two. He caved but he didn't want another. However, you got your way and now you have two. He needs to grow up because he is being a worse than a toddler. But you got your way and the second kid is all on you. By the time you're divorced you'll be used to doing it all by yourself. Now you know why you never have a child unless both parents want another child. I feel sorry for both children but not for their spoiled, petulant parents.

If he knew he didn't want two, he should've put his foot down. OP didn't get pregnant on her own. He had a hand (so to speak) in making this child. He needs to grow up.

-Not op

I've said it many times on here.. most men shouldn't have children. They cannot handle it.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like a real catch.

/s

[Anonymous]

Lived through something similar. DH wasn't sure about a second, then got on board. #2 arrived in the midst of some big career drama for him, and probably depression and some mid-life crisis. It didn't help that #2 was a very high maintenance kid due to minor health issues. It was a very very hard few years for all of us. I decided I would take on as much as I humanly could for my kids' sake. And I did, worked FT at a demanding job and did every single piece of the parenting. But it's come at some cost to all of us. Somewhere along the line DH got better about everything - stepped up and we're now a mildly dysfunctional but largely normal family.

I probably could have handled things better - forced DH into therapy, demanded he do more or at least complain less. Or I could have divorced him but honestly my assumption is that this would have made everything harder if only for financial reasons. So I have no quick fix ideas for you OP. But you can tough it out and eventually things may improve.

[Anonymous]

You got what you wanted with the additional kid. You knew he didn’t want it.

This is the consequence. All things considered, it sounds fairly normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got what you wanted with the additional kid. You knew he didn’t want it.

This is the consequence. All things considered, it sounds fairly normal.

He compromised, too. It takes two to make a baby. But you knew that.

It's "normal" for men to not want to take care of their children, all things considered.

[Anonymous]

Give him a child free day every Saturday or Sunday. He leaves and spends time not around kids. You wanted two, so I am sure you will enjoy them. And even if not, it really isn’t the end of the world to spend one day alone with the kids.
I know kids who are quiet and reasonable when alone, but become very noisy and active around their sibling. It’s not fair to subject your H to this. It’s hellish for someone who can’t stand noise.

[Anonymous]

Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

[Anonymous]

He told you he wanted one. You pressured him to agree to two. This is your own doing. Too bad, your problem.

[Anonymous]

Some people do better with a certain kid age. My husband wanted as many kids as possible, and loved the baby stage (not that he changed as many diapers as I did!). But now he's continually at loggerheads with our 17 year old, and I can see he's starting to not appreciate our 12 year old. He has a difficult time accepting that kids eventually become their own person, have their own opinions and want to make their own mistakes.

So remind your husband that this stage will pass and hope that he likes them better when they're older!