DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

Such BS. Most men don’t have a crazy desire to have a kid, any kid.

As a woman who doesn’t want kids, I did not find this to be true when I was dating unfortunately

A lot of men want kids in theory. Once they have them, some only want to be involved minimally. They liked the idea of having kids, but not the work of having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew that if I would have a kid, it would be with a man who would worship me forever for going through pregnancy and for giving birth. We have two kids and my DH is a happily doting dad. He loves being a father and a family man.

Yes, we had kids when we were not struggling financially, when our parents could help us, and when I could SAH for as long as I wanted to. Having kids is hard and you need to weigh all of these things.

+1. Marry an unselfish man who worships the ground you walk on and can’t wait to be a dad.

This only happens to attractive women. Some of us are stuck being treated as lesser, I guess.

I don't think this is true. I'm not very attractive but my husband somehow thinks he got a prize with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew that if I would have a kid, it would be with a man who would worship me forever for going through pregnancy and for giving birth. We have two kids and my DH is a happily doting dad. He loves being a father and a family man.

Yes, we had kids when we were not struggling financially, when our parents could help us, and when I could SAH for as long as I wanted to. Having kids is hard and you need to weigh all of these things.

+1. Marry an unselfish man who worships the ground you walk on and can’t wait to be a dad.

This only happens to attractive women. Some of us are stuck being treated as lesser, I guess.

I don't think this is true. I'm not very attractive but my husband somehow thinks he got a prize with me.

Ditto. He tells me I am an amazing mom and wife even though… I’m really not either. But it builds up my self esteem! Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

He told you he only wanted one and you insisted on two. He caved but he didn't want another. However, you got your way and now you have two. He needs to grow up because he is being a worse than a toddler. But you got your way and the second kid is all on you. By the time you're divorced you'll be used to doing it all by yourself. Now you know why you never have a child unless both parents want another child. I feel sorry for both children but not for their spoiled, petulant parents.

This is one sided BS. Before getting married or having kids, I told my now DH I wanted 3 kids. I could take or leave marriage. If he was not interested in having 3, that was fine, but then we neednt get married. If he wanted to remain childless, there was no point in marriage for me if we weren’t going to try. I was also not interested in having an only child if I could help it. For me an only child was “worse” than none at all. He was insistent on getting married. He made the decision to marry knowing full well what my expectations were. Though somewhat different, OP’s DH sounds similar. He knew that she wanted multiple children before hand and married her anyway. But somehow not she’s at fault. WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

Such BS. Most men don’t have a crazy desire to have a kid, any kid.

As a woman who doesn’t want kids, I did not find this to be true when I was dating unfortunately

A lot of men want kids in theory. Once they have them, some only want to be involved minimally. They liked the idea of having kids, but not the work of having them.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Something we don’t talk about openly is that some people (moms and dads both) find out after having children that they don’t love being a parent. They know not to take it out on their kids or spouse and they also have valid feelings about the stress of child rearing and the loss of autonomy.

OP, it sounds like your DH knew his limit was one but you both decided to cross that limit. That means you both deal with the consequences. See if you can prioritize changing family routines or training the kids on one or two things that would help your DH to feel better. Perhaps you can reset dinner and bedtime to make for more time with DH. Maybe you can both brainstorm ways to create independent play areas in your house and train the kids to entertain themselves for slightly longer stretches—even just 10-20 minutes so that you can read books and drink a glass of wine. Teach the kids a “one moment” signal so that they don’t interrupt an in-progress adult conversation. Also, give each other time off as parents. You should both get to exercise, have alone time, see friends. Use babysitters, nannies, play dates, family to help make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something we don’t talk about openly is that some people (moms and dads both) find out after having children that they don’t love being a parent. They know not to take it out on their kids or spouse and they also have valid feelings about the stress of child rearing and the loss of autonomy.

OP, it sounds like your DH knew his limit was one but you both decided to cross that limit. That means you both deal with the consequences. See if you can prioritize changing family routines or training the kids on one or two things that would help your DH to feel better. Perhaps you can reset dinner and bedtime to make for more time with DH. Maybe you can both brainstorm ways to create independent play areas in your house and train the kids to entertain themselves for slightly longer stretches—even just 10-20 minutes so that you can read books and drink a glass of wine. Teach the kids a “one moment” signal so that they don’t interrupt an in-progress adult conversation. Also, give each other time off as parents. You should both get to exercise, have alone time, see friends. Use babysitters, nannies, play dates, family to help make that happen.

+1 Yep. You cannot empirically know how you will feel about parenting until you do it.

I knew I had a low capacity for the stresses of parenthood but I didn't know how low until I had a kid. I do not regret having a kid but I feel a mourning that is in the same neighborhood as regret. So I make my life as balanced as possible (with date nights, daycare, family babysitting, etc.) so that I can be a loving, warm parent to my wonderful child but still feel like I have an adult-centered life with tranquil dinners and adventure and sexiness and intellectual fulfillment and all the things I loved about being child-free before.

And I *stopped at one,* OP. I stopped at one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her DH will have an affair and move out to live with a childfree woman. Then he will file for divorce and ask for 50% custody. That will give him the respite he needs from parenting and a chance to live a adult-centered life with his new gf/wife. Seen it over and over again.

I see this happen a lot, too. Some men even hire sitters when it’s their weekend so that they can go out with the new woman in their lives.