DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew that if I would have a kid, it would be with a man who would worship me forever for going through pregnancy and for giving birth. We have two kids and my DH is a happily doting dad. He loves being a father and a family man.

Yes, we had kids when we were not struggling financially, when our parents could help us, and when I could SAH for as long as I wanted to. Having kids is hard and you need to weigh all of these things.

+1. Marry an unselfish man who worships the ground you walk on and can’t wait to be a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew that if I would have a kid, it would be with a man who would worship me forever for going through pregnancy and for giving birth. We have two kids and my DH is a happily doting dad. He loves being a father and a family man.

Yes, we had kids when we were not struggling financially, when our parents could help us, and when I could SAH for as long as I wanted to. Having kids is hard and you need to weigh all of these things.

+1. Marry an unselfish man who worships the ground you walk on and can’t wait to be a dad.

While this is good advice, it's not realistic for most women and we know it. The percent of men who will do this is small and there are not enough to go around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

Thank you for posting. Good luck.

This was me. Now with them at 13 & 14 I absolutely love it. Actually after the age of 5 or so it got so much easier, because they would entertain each other. I just wasn't good at the baby years at all.

I hire an amazing part-time nanny to help me the first 5 years. And I am a SAHM. She was worth every sent. My husband and I preserved our sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

Such BS. Most men don’t have a crazy desire to have a kid, any kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t “compromise” on having kids. If you do not want another child 110% then that is a no go. Not surprised at this situation at all.

I have two kids and love them and am very happy I had them, but I was never 100% sure, prob not even 80% sure about wanting them when I first got pregnant, let alone 110%. The husband sounds immature. Plenty of people have accidental pregnancies and figure out ways to adjust. My sister only ever wanted two, but she had an oops at age 42 that turned out to be twins! You work it out.

Sounds like OP’s DH was 100% he didn’t want a second but OP wore him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support.

I hate these responses. Disliking having kids doesn’t mean you have a chemical imbalance! The DH wants quiet, adult conversations, freedom to lesnevthe house alone etc. This isn’t depression!!

Who peed in your cereal this morning? OP wrote a long post that detailed the many ways her husband is behaving. She said her husband is “sad for a few days.” He’s complaining all the time. He’s too tired on the weekend. Of course he can want adult time. That’s wholly different than feeling sad for days, [b]being fatigued on a regular basis and walking around with a black cloud over them [b]all the time. Ruling out depression is a reasonable place to start in this instance.

He’s tired and unhappy because he dislikes having his life revolve around children. His kids suck the energy out of him. I feel the same way and I’m NOT depressed. I am okay with my children sometimes and do love them, but being around them makes me unhappy. It’s not their presence but the amount of work involved. Just yesterday I was trying to get dressed to leave the house and my six year old must have screamed mommy at least 6 times. Being around my children all morning was challenging. I spent the afternoon with friends (no kids) and was immediately happy and enjoyed the rest of the day. I do not have depression. I dislike the work and limitations of parenthood.

Here is an analogy. Imagine you’re in prison. Your unhappy with the bright lights, terrible food, lack of exercise, no fun etc. Are you depressed? Is it only depression? Is all you need a magic pill and your chemical imbalance causing the depression? Or maybe you just dislike prison and would be happy immediately if you left!

Honestly I do not understand why you people had any children in the first place. You possess neither the maturity or patience to be a parent. You should have stayed childless, so that you could focus on your selfish, immature, narcissistic, annoying selves.

This thread is full of ridiculous people. Put on your big-girl and big-boy panties and parent the children you choose to have. Boo hoo, my child called for me six times....I'm in prison...boo hoo.

+1!! Spoiled, immature. First world problems. Selfish Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t “compromise” on having kids. If you do not want another child 110% then that is a no go. Not surprised at this situation at all.

I have two kids and love them and am very happy I had them, but I was never 100% sure, prob not even 80% sure about wanting them when I first got pregnant, let alone 110%. The husband sounds immature. Plenty of people have accidental pregnancies and figure out ways to adjust. My sister only ever wanted two, but she had an oops at age 42 that turned out to be twins! You work it out.

I feel the same way, but we are women. I think it's different for men, in part because they don't go through the hormonal changes with pregnancy and childbirth. That's not an excuse for any man who is already a father not to get it together and go all in (once you are a parent, you just need to do it). But it is a warning to women who think if they just finagle their way into a pregnancy, their DH will meet the new baby and fall in love. Some men might do this, but some might not. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's how they were raised, I don't know. It takes many men longer to learn to love their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children used to be about survival. Extra ones were left to die. That’s our species.

Todays children are basically unemployed. Parents are supposed to somehow have the bandwidth to pour unlimited amounts of love and nurturing into them to make them into emotionally intelligent adults. Parents do this while trying to make it in a capitalist society.

Talking about this isn’t bad. Especially here.

I think the OPs husband could benefit from discussing these things with a therapist.

It is a big ask. But that’s why it’s so great that fewer people are having kids. You should only have them if you really, really, really want them and you know you have the time, resources, and knowledge (or willingness to learn) to not f@ck it up.

Hopefully, this means there are less hurt people in the world in the next generations.

I mean, abortions are banned in half the country, so your hope is in vain. Sadly there will be many unwanted, unloved, unhealthy children in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mistake was having them so far apart in age. Hopefully you will feel that less acutely as time goes on. I agree this would have my very much questioning my marriage though

This is silly. An age gap actually tends to result in siblings who fight less and parents who are less stretched out: no sleep for a long time, two needy toddlers, two moody teenagers etc. I love gaps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mistake was having them so far apart in age. Hopefully you will feel that less acutely as time goes on. I agree this would have my very much questioning my marriage though

This is silly. An age gap actually tends to result in siblings who fight less and parents who are less stretched out: no sleep for a long time, two needy toddlers, two moody teenagers etc. I love gaps!

Not everyone loves gaps.

OP's DH certainly doesn't.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he doesn’t like kids, period. Think he would have figured that out before TTC #2.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Not gonna read 20 pages of this but I’m sad for the kids. What a terrible dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he doesn’t like kids, period. Think he would have figured that out before TTC #2.

Many people buy into the lie that it's "different with your own." Sure, I love my kid intensely. But the drudgery of the early years of parenthood is not magically easier, and I'm not magically more patient with my own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew that if I would have a kid, it would be with a man who would worship me forever for going through pregnancy and for giving birth. We have two kids and my DH is a happily doting dad. He loves being a father and a family man.

Yes, we had kids when we were not struggling financially, when our parents could help us, and when I could SAH for as long as I wanted to. Having kids is hard and you need to weigh all of these things.

+1. Marry an unselfish man who worships the ground you walk on and can’t wait to be a dad.

This only happens to attractive women. Some of us are stuck being treated as lesser, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

Such BS. Most men don’t have a crazy desire to have a kid, any kid.

As a woman who doesn’t want kids, I did not find this to be true when I was dating unfortunately