DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later
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Anonymous
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We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.
At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two. Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours. He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy. We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening. It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it. I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min. What can I do? |
Anonymous
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Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding. Most of the solution is time; it gets better. The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude. Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased. |
Anonymous
| Has he been screened for depression? I’d first look at some mental health issues that may be impacting his response. He may have been able to hold things together early on, but now need some more support. |
Anonymous
| Honestly OP it sounds like he’s coping reasonably well. This is probably going to be one of the worst periods of his life. Just because it’s a lot of people’s BEST period, or because it’s a good period for you, doesn’t mean it should be for him. He compromised, that just means he has to try his best. This may be his best. I would focus on how you can be happy and not feel like his moods dictate yours. If he’s doing his best, and feels okay, but just isn’t as happy or positive as you would like? That’s asking a lot. |
Anonymous
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He sounds immature. He knows what the situation is, yet he continues to whine and complain that it’s not different. His flexibility is in the basement.
I’d be considering a “Grow Up—You’re Bringing Everyone Down—Come to Jesus—talk with him. He’s wallowing in this self-pity because his own kids make some noise. Yeah, having little kids isn’t easy. But it sure as hell isn’t made any easier with his moping around. He’s being a crappy partner to you. |
Anonymous
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Oh that is heartbreaking. Kids are hard, it’s been harder than expected on my husband especially with one of our kids being challenging but he most of the time tries to enjoy them. During patches of bad times (e.g. the pandemic early days, shudder) I tried to do as much a possible and told my husband I’d rather he spent 1 hour with them nicely than being a martyr for a whole Saturday because it was “fair “ or he “should “. Did I enjoy having to do the vast majority of the childcare? No. But I preferred it to my kids feeling like their dad resented them. Maybe let him do some sort of adult hobby in the weekend afternoons? It’s harder when he feels he is fighting for your attention but that’s just part of being a parent. He doesn’t get your undivided attention all the time anymore.
In retrospect there was some level of depression going on, he sees a therapist now and the pandemic is better and the kids are older. But it’s not ok for your kids to feel like a burden. He needs to change something if this has been going on for years. |
Anonymous
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Ask him which one of the kids he'd prefer to give away for adoption. Tell him you thought it over, and given the situation, this is the only reasonable solution. Be firm, tell him you researched it, and you know it can be done. Offer some pros and cons for each kid.
When he looks at you all stunned and starts mumbling something about how it's not that bad, tell him to grow the f.ck up and be a father and partner he is supposed to be. |
Anonymous
What if he takes her up on it? He might. |
Anonymous
This. Give him 4-5 hours on his own say Saturday morning while you take the kids to the park and out to a cheap kid friendly lunch. Hopefully he can do the same another day. Maybe that will cheer him up. And if not, maybe he might want to talk to a therapist (they’re getting cheaper with the internet ones which many insurance companies do cover.) |
Anonymous
| This is why you don’t “compromise” on having kids. If you do not want another child 110% then that is a no go. Not surprised at this situation at all. |
Anonymous
| Well, he told you he didn’t want more than one. You want him to lie to you about enjoying it? |
Anonymous
Yup. |
Anonymous
| It will get better!!! Try to make time for adult time. Soon the older kids will be old enough for drop off sports. Yes, you’ll have the younger kid but it won’t be so bad. |
Anonymous
| He needs to grow the F up. |
Anonymous
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There are seasons to parenting and it’s ok if he doesn’t like this “season”. But I’d gently remind him that he’s an adult and needs to deal… it’s ok to not love being a parent right now; it’s not ok to act in a way where your children feel like a burden.
I’m sorry if that’s not helpful. I guess in terms of tangible advice, I’d encourage him to do child free things with his friends and if you have the bandwidth, I’d take on as much of the “annoying” child care stuff as you can. |