Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dang. My kids are 14 and 17 and we haven’t left them for more than three nights.

Martyr.

Not a martyr. Just someone who enjoys vacationing with my kids. When they were younger, I was a SAHM and we didn’t have the money to go away for over a week without them.

Ah, so you’re just bitter that someone else can afford to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP 12 days is difficult but you put in thoughtful provisions and safeguards for your MIL. Agree it’s not her no - it’s the lateness of it. Even if she changed her mind now she cannot be trusted.

And I was a stay at home mother when my kids were young but felt zero guilt for twice a year no kid trips. Especially like you having grandparents being who I left them with.

Note you said grandparentS plural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

OP-bashing is a time honored tradition here.

[Anonymous]

I’d be mad too. She should have said no so you could plan accordingly. I’m actually impressed with everything you set up with meals/camp etc.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. You planned really well. It was totally irresponsible for MIL to wait until the last minute to bail out. She’s a grown adult who should’ve recognized that she couldn’t do this a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

Not my parents or inlaws. This type of ask is not that common.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL really should have spoken up beforehand. This is incredibly rude of her.

I don't understand why people are taking issue with OP. OP wanted a holiday and came up with a plan, if it didn't suit the MIL she could have just said no or said she could only do it for 6 days, not wait until 3 days before you leave to bring up this drama.

Honestly I would tell her it will cost you a ton of money to cancel and that you will go and as soon as it becomes overwhelming for her to call you and you will return the next day. Or if she needs a break do you have family or a friend that could take them for 1-2 nights short notice during the 12 days. The friend could take them for 1 night, MIL gets a break and then does the other 6 days. Worst case, you have to return early.

As soon as she sees she only has to handle 2-3 hours a day she may just relax.

Perhaps you were anxious about all the planning and that rubbed off on her. Get really calm, really calm and ask her what part will be hard for her and then try to calm her down. After this I would not trust her again when it comes to anything planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. You planned really well. It was totally irresponsible for MIL to wait until the last minute to bail out. She’s a grown adult who should’ve recognized that she couldn’t do this a long time ago.

Exactly. OP is not a horrible person for taking a trip without kids or taking a long vacation. MIL is awful for cancelling at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My solution is to have the kids go. I would enjoy traveling with them.

My husbands solution was to change the flight so I come a week later (he’s working the first week) to appease his mom. I would have preferred to just take them since it would have cost less bc the changes were pricey to make.

Tell Dh to go for his work part then come home, you go for the next part.

Then no one needs to rely on that MIL. If Dh doesn’t get to trip with you, oh well, he can hang with his mom while your gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My solution is to have the kids go. I would enjoy traveling with them.

My husbands solution was to change the flight so I come a week later (he’s working the first week) to appease his mom. I would have preferred to just take them since it would have cost less bc the changes were pricey to make.

Well of course bring your kids with you! I would have insisted on that from the very beginning, OP. Going forward, when planning each vacation, remind your husband acidly of this debacle, and insist the kids go with you. Or find them more reliable caregivers. That MIL won't see a cent of your money again, and perhaps no gifts at all until you've recouped some of those costs you incurred because of her.


I would be so mad at this husband and MIL pair. What losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are going on a 12 night trip sans kids. This is the longest we have left kids (longest has been 2n) and I worked hard to make this as seamless as possible for my mother in law, to watch my 4 and 6 year old.
I have:
- daily pay for MIL
- camp from 8:30-6:30pm 1 mile away
- credit card to get anything ordered
- play date/ sleepover and paid childcare on weekends with friends so she doesn’t have to drive and gets a break
- meals delivered so she doesn’t cook

With 3 days to go she says she can’t do it and wants us to change our trip to half the number of days.
I’m so frustrated with everything. She says we are taking advantage of her and from my point of view she should have just said no or told us weeks ago. We are scrambling to change everything last min.

Did she have a talk around the bingo table and get told this? Did she suddenly get an invite 6 days in for Mahjong? What is her Day 7 plan? Who are you comfortable with watching her? What is the pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dang. My kids are 14 and 17 and we haven’t left them for more than three nights.

Martyr.

Not a martyr. Just someone who enjoys vacationing with my kids. When they were younger, I was a SAHM and we didn’t have the money to go away for over a week without them.

Ah, so you’re just bitter that someone else can afford to.

What? I’m not bitter and I hope OP didn’t take my initial comment that way. I hope that anyone who can get away for that long when their kids are that young enjoys their time away. My comment was just a statement of fact, not martyrdom. Why are you so bitter that I haven’t been away from my kids that long? I promise that I’m ok.

So many DCUMs are insecure in their decisions and take any opposing experience as an attack. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you call your parents to come stay with the kids?

Yes. Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

+100

-100. I would not be furious. I would change my plans, and that’s life. Because my kids’ health and well-being and safety is more important than a vacation. And I’ve seen directly bad outcomes from caregivers who were stretched to thin, and we’ve certainly all read about them.

+1

Absolutely agree. If the grandmother feels she cannot take care of the kids, then you have to respect her health and state of mind and accept it.

She is not the parent of these children and she does not have to babysit these kids, especially if she thinks she cannot manage it. I am aghast at people who are not concerned that an elderly person is saying that they cannot manage to provide childcare to their grandkids. I would be more concerned about the MIL and make sure that she has her support system and she is looked after. And I would not allow my kids to be taken care of by anyone who is feeling that they cannot do this. There is a big difference to providing care for an hour every day vs taking care of these kids for long stretches for 12 days.

Anyways, what kind of sicko leaves their kids (less than 6 yrs old) for 12 days and goes for an international vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

+100

-100. I would not be furious. I would change my plans, and that’s life. Because my kids’ health and well-being and safety is more important than a vacation. And I’ve seen directly bad outcomes from caregivers who were stretched to thin, and we’ve certainly all read about them.

+1

Absolutely agree. If the grandmother feels she cannot take care of the kids, then you have to respect her health and state of mind and accept it.

She is not the parent of these children and she does not have to babysit these kids, especially if she thinks she cannot manage it. I am aghast at people who are not concerned that an elderly person is saying that they cannot manage to provide childcare to their grandkids. I would be more concerned about the MIL and make sure that she has her support system and she is looked after. And I would not allow my kids to be taken care of by anyone who is feeling that they cannot do this. There is a big difference to providing care for an hour every day vs taking care of these kids for long stretches for 12 days.

Anyways, what kind of sicko leaves their kids (less than 6 yrs old) for 12 days and goes for an international vacation?

This. Right. Here.

Something similar happened with my mom backtracking on grandkid help for my sister a few years ago. It was so sudden and out of character for her that my sister pressed a bit. It turns out that my mom had had two recent near-accidents in the car and was just starting to question her driving abilities. She wasn’t yet ready to face it, but as my sister’s vacation drew nearer, my mom panicked and pulled out. My sister and her husband reworked their vacation and got some other family members to help out. But what The Deal was turned out to indeed be something significant with my mom’s overall health, independence and yes, capacity to take care of her grandchildren.