AITA for thinking bride is heinous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

Ok? Maybe in your culture things are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer to drop out of the party and give the dress (the one you already bought) to the bridesmaid who didn’t order in time. That way nobody has to buy a second dress. You can sell it as a sacrifice on your part to save the rest of the party (we all know she won’t buy it and she’ll cut you off, but that was going to happen immediately after the wedding anyway). To everyone else, you look like the bigger person.

This is an amazing idea. But what if the other bridesmaid isn’t the same size? Looking at pics, we don’t have the same body type at all. More ideas for how I can get bridezilla to fire me would be very welcome.

JFC, OP. Don't be so passive aggressive. Your relationship with this person is over, whatever happens. You have already said that you expect her to drop you after the wedding. Moreover, do you really think that if you maneuver her into firing you things will be just fine afterwards?

She sounds terrible, but you, frankly, aren't much better. You sound like a pathetic, shallow, spineless shell of a person. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer to drop out of the party and give the dress (the one you already bought) to the bridesmaid who didn’t order in time. That way nobody has to buy a second dress. You can sell it as a sacrifice on your part to save the rest of the party (we all know she won’t buy it and she’ll cut you off, but that was going to happen immediately after the wedding anyway). To everyone else, you look like the bigger person.

This is an amazing idea. But what if the other bridesmaid isn’t the same size? Looking at pics, we don’t have the same body type at all. More ideas for how I can get bridezilla to fire me would be very welcome.

JFC, OP. Don't be so passive aggressive. Your relationship with this person is over, whatever happens. You have already said that you expect her to drop you after the wedding. Moreover, do you really think that if you maneuver her into firing you things will be just fine afterwards?

She sounds terrible, but you, frankly, aren't much better. You sound like a pathetic, shallow, spineless shell of a person. Grow up.

Damn, why couldn’t one of the other bridesmaids have a personality like yours? You’d totally duke it out with my cousin at the first excuse and I think you’d win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would drop a line in the group chat and let the estrangement happen. If you do not have the backbone to do that then go ahead and suffer but FFS end this thread.

"...Hey everyone, I am sorry to say that I will be dropping out of the MOH role and from the bridal party. Some personal issues have come up that I have to prioritize. I know that one of you will step up and fill my shoes and will stand by cousin Larla on her important day. My thanks to whoever will graciously pitch in. I will try my best to attend the wedding but right now I cannot promise.

- Larlita. ..."

I vote for this one.

Years from now, you will not want this person in your life. If she is around, she will have access to your circle. She will treat your husband and your kids this way. That will be even harder than being trampled on yourself -- watching people you love get trampled. Just end it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

[Anonymous]

She literally reached out with you to re-establish a relationship because she was desperate to find someone to be her MOH.

I mean, could she be anymore transparent?

Drop out. She's just a cousin, not a sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I'd suck it up, buy the second dress, be MOH, then dip on this relationship. Here's why:

People like this bring drama everywhere they go. Even if she's estranged from your family, she's your cousin and you'll have to deal with some aspect of this/her going forward. As understandable as resigning would be, now you're a bad actor for contributing to her wedding drama. And trust, she'll bring it up forever. Saying no from the start because she sucks would have been understandable to everyone. Dying on the dress hill after committing makes you look petty and brings you down to her level.

Retain your commitment, knowing it'll be annoying at minimum, and maintain better boundaries going forward.

This is good advice. It’s what I would do, much as it would pain me to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would drop a line in the group chat and let the estrangement happen. If you do not have the backbone to do that then go ahead and suffer but FFS end this thread.

"...Hey everyone, I am sorry to say that I will be dropping out of the MOH role and from the bridal party. Some personal issues have come up that I have to prioritize. I know that one of you will step up and fill my shoes and will stand by cousin Larla on her important day. My thanks to whoever will graciously pitch in. I will try my best to attend the wedding but right now I cannot promise.

- Larlita. ..."

I vote for this one.

Years from now, you will not want this person in your life. If she is around, she will have access to your circle. She will treat your husband and your kids this way. That will be even harder than being trampled on yourself -- watching people you love get trampled. Just end it now.

You’re right. The more I share and the more people react, the more clarity I achieve on this. My cousin hasn’t changed and won’t change. It’s up to me to no longer roll over for her and draw very firm boundaries. If she can’t handle that, then she can do whatever works for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the other members of the wedding party doing about the dress? And if you buy the new dress is the other bridesmaid on board or will she flake again - doesn’t sound very committed. Buying a second dress is bad but buying it if no one else does or if the flakey bridesmaid doesn’t would be so much worse.

I don’t know the other three. Never met or talked to them before, so I don’t know if the flakey bridesmaid will flake on this dress too. Totally possible.

For harmony's sake I’d probably stay in the wedding (knowing it’s merely to be a kind person) but give some pushback so this doesn’t become the top of the iceberg for her demands. Ask her to confirm the others have their dresses in hand before you’ll purchase a second dress. Tell her you don’t have the bandwidth for big adjustments now so you can set the stage to decline anything else.

This gets you off the hook for a big shower or bachelorette expense though. Claim you had to use the funds you’d allotted for the second dress she requested.

The bachelorette party is another mess. I told her upfront before even accepting the MOH gig that I don’t have the bandwidth to plan a bachelorette party and why. She said she totally understood and then she put me on the spot by asking me on a group chat with the whole bridal party “when” the party would be. I’ve laid low on that one, but that’s the next drama brewing. There’s just a lot and I’m tired of all the rolling over to keep the peace that I’ve been. She just keep ratcheting up the demands.

I was a bridesmaid for a bridezilla like this. I was truly happy for her so I bought her an engagement gift. Then came the shower, the bachelorette weekend in the Hamptons, the bridesmaid dress and hair, the wedding gift… Theyre divorced now. But that’s irrelevant. The wedding costs broke me and were all about bridezilla. You know there’s going to be an expensive shower and then bachelorette night or weekend. She does not accept your “no” or “I can’t do this.” You can see where this is all going. Make your decision now.

You and I are similar. I’m sorry you went through all that. I was genuinely happy for her when she told me she was engaged. I was the only person to buy her and her fiancé an engagement gift—she told me so. Then came trying to strong arm me into expense after expense. Professional makeup/hair, expensive hotel, bachelorette party, now two bridesmaids dresses. She referred to a rehearsal dinner last week, even though she said his parents aren’t paying for anything. She never just casually mentions anything without springing a scheme next and I have a feeling I won’t like who she plans to have foot the bill…. This is all going to come to a head eventually, so might as well make it now before she’s emptied my pockets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

I’m OP and I do understand what you mean. Your approach is probably better for modern times. I think the traditional idea was that the girls in your bridal party are supposed to be your absolute best friends and so close to you that they’re happy to foot the bill for various things. In return, you’ll foot the bill when it’s their turn so it all comes out even. I’ve never minded covering my bridesmaids costs but I’ve also never dealt with a bridezilla until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And It seems like you dig the drama. You're keeping her wedding a secret for her? Do you not think that will damage your relationship with your family.

Me thinks you may be part of the drama

It could absolutely damage my relationship with them! I’ve been chewing on this for a while now because she just snuck the secrecy on me with no discussion and then her voice got all tight when I asked why she thought that was a good idea. Oy, what a headache. It all sounds so crazy when I spell it out. Anyway, I’m opting out so life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all the responses, but I’d drop out of the wedding party and give the original dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t order hers, and tell her good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would have written her back and said - great, can you give me your credit card number for the order?