AITA for thinking bride is heinous?

[Anonymous]

Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Drop out. She’s being a bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this for real? I would not purchase a second dress without full reimbursement from her. She would have to fire me.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

I would give it a week. I wouldn’t buy the new dress. If she doesn’t apologize, and you say there are other things she’s done, then I’d tell her I’d be stepping down as MOH. She will kick you out of the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

I would give it a week. I wouldn’t buy the new dress. If she doesn’t apologize, and you say there are other things she’s done, then I’d tell her I’d be stepping down as MOH. She will kick you out of the wedding.

Yea, she’s done a lot of other stuff that I’ve let go. She’s a boundary pusher who does who does shitty things and then kinda dares you to bring it up by acting as if nothing happened. My husband’s been convinced from the beginning that she plans to ditch me after the wedding. She’s done this kind of thing before. It’s all so sad because life doesn’t have to be this high stakes and transactional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

I would give it a week. I wouldn’t buy the new dress. If she doesn’t apologize, and you say there are other things she’s done, then I’d tell her I’d be stepping down as MOH. She will kick you out of the wedding.

Yea, she’s done a lot of other stuff that I’ve let go. She’s a boundary pusher who does who does shitty things and then kinda dares you to bring it up by acting as if nothing happened. My husband’s been convinced from the beginning that she plans to ditch me after the wedding. She’s done this kind of thing before. It’s all so sad because life doesn’t have to be this high stakes and transactional.

I would drop out. She’s using you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would resign but the only snafu here is that she is your cousin. Give your mother/father a heads-up so that she/he can deal with blowback from the side of the family this cousin is on.

None of them talk to her. Literally none. In fact, part of what I’ve been dealing with is pressure to keep her wedding a secret from everyone else in the family. She just demanded it and didn’t ask how I felt about that or how to navigate that. I’ve known that everyone’ll find out eventually and that’ll put a lot of pressure on my own relationships with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

You definitely are do you even like her? She sounds like a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

You definitely are do you even like her? She sounds like a horrible person.

I‘m a lot older than she is and I think I still have a soft spot for the kid she was. We spent a lot of time together as kids. I don’t like very much of the adult she’s become, but she had me going for a while there with talk about how she’s been in therapy and wants us to have a new, different, healthy relationship. She hasn’t been able to hold the act together and the old/real her is slipping out more and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

Your answer is here. The only question left to answer is why you don’t care enough about yourself to simply walk away from this. What are you getting out of it?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I'd suck it up, buy the second dress, be MOH, then dip on this relationship. Here's why:

People like this bring drama everywhere they go. Even if she's estranged from your family, she's your cousin and you'll have to deal with some aspect of this/her going forward. As understandable as resigning would be, now you're a bad actor for contributing to her wedding drama. And trust, she'll bring it up forever. Saying no from the start because she sucks would have been understandable to everyone. Dying on the dress hill after committing makes you look petty and brings you down to her level.

Retain your commitment, knowing it'll be annoying at minimum, and maintain better boundaries going forward.

[Anonymous]

She’s showing you who she is, which is the same person she was before. People don’t get a pass the act the way she does because they are family. You owe her nothing. I would not be ok with someone treating me that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d buy the second dress instead of a gift.

I'd gift the frist dress