AITA for thinking bride is heinous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford both dresses suck it up and roll with it. I’d be irritated too but you already committed and she has lots going on. She’s the AH you’re the bigger person

Screw that. OP should pull out of the wedding party and make damn sure her cousin knows why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A little more info:

Wedding’s in 4 months — tiny 30 guest affair. She’s estranged from literally everyone else in our family. She and I were actually estranged for a long time too. We only just got back after she reached out to me pretty recently with a whole story about how she missed me. Then she just so happened to ask me to be MOH shortly after. Her angle was really obvious to me. She needs a relative to avoid being embarrassed at her wedding. Even my husband said ‘she’s using you’ and he hardly notices anything.

It’s jumping out to me that she still doesn’t like me very much. She seethes a lot and comes off as if she’s holding back her personality just to get to the wedding. Using people is kinda her lifelong M.O. She’s done a bunch of other stuff during wedding planning that I can’t even get into right now. I’ve been trying to be the bigger person, but she’s making it hard.

I was hoping she’d sleep on the bridesmaid convo, realize how nasty she was, and then call me back to talk. Nada. She hasn’t changed a bit. I don’t know how to clear the air with her and I know she’ll be really haughty if I even try.

So, how do I get out of this MOH situation? If she’s nasty about that, which she will be, do I skip the wedding? I don’t want to be totally estranged from her, but she’s a very all or nothing kind of person who doesn’t value relationships.

STOP. BEING. AN. EFFING. DOORMAT!

[Anonymous]

Buy the second dress and don’t buy a gift. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

I would not back out of the wedding or being maid of honor. You are the bigger person and you will feel better about yourself if you fulfill your commitment. However, there is absolutely no reason to buy her a gift. Your second dress is the gift

[Anonymous]

OP, claim Covid and don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

It is traditional in the US that the wedding party pay their own way and for their dresses but I agree with you, it is crazy particularly now that the expectations of many brides are through the roof. People in their 20s often can't afford to pay for what could be multiple trips back for various parties and expectations of engagement gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you need our approval? You have made it clear you find her awful and you even said she is estranged from a bunch of people. We don't know her side of course, but you clearly have made the argument for distancing yourself. So why come here so we all say "yes, she sounds terrible." Do you need permission from us to drop out?

Op is either a troll or is part of the wedding party because she wants to see how much of a train wreck this wedding will be. I do not believe for 2 seconds that op cares about this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

It is traditional in the US that the wedding party pay their own way and for their dresses but I agree with you, it is crazy particularly now that the expectations of many brides are through the roof. People in their 20s often can't afford to pay for what could be multiple trips back for various parties and expectations of engagement gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and more.

I agree PP, we paid for everything for our daughter and SIL's friends to participate in the wedding. If you make someone wear something, you should purchase it. It is especially ridiculous when brides spend $1000s on their own dress, and then make their bridesmaids pay $300 for a dress they will never wear again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

Ok? Maybe in your culture things are different.

Thank God for that. I can however still point out where the other "culture" fails and is "cultureless". FWIW, none of my DD's bridesmaids most of whom were WASP Americans, came protesting that they wanted to follow their "culture" of paying from out of pocket for my DD's wedding celebrations. Instead, most of them were very grateful that they did not have to pay for anything.

I suspect this is not even something that is related to the WASP "culture" but the modern perversion brought about by the trashy pop cultural phenomenon of "Bridezillas".

+100000

Back in the day when all my friends got married, no one had crazy expectations of multiple parties and gifts upon gifts. There were no girls trips. If your friend lived far enough away to require airfare, they usually didn't participate. Most of my friends were married in small churches with the reception in the basement. There have been so many horrible tv shows that have normalized over the top expectations even for people who are poor.

The first nanny I ever hired was 20 years younger than me and she and her husband ran out of money every month. I paid her a salary well above the norm for a part time job. Her wedding cost 4 x more than mine did and she had Tiffany everything. Their families had no money so she and and dh went in to debt to get married. She was pregnant when she worked for me and you should have seen the list of items on her baby registry. I belonged to multiple moms groups and got everything used. She never once did anything like that. DH and I were well paid professionals who were going to buying a house. We knew where our money should be going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the money it's the principal. I would decline to be in her wedding and state the exact reason why and offer to sale my dress to the delinquent bridesmaid.

You shouldn't be in the bridal party if you don't support the couple and their marriage. From your comments there is no way you do. You are swearing before God that you will support this couple in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AITA.

I’m a very reluctant maid of honor to a cousin. I tried to beg out because she has a mean streak, but she kept pressing. Wedding planning has only made her worse. The current problem is bridesmaids dresses.

She picked a rare color from a store that was shipping several months out and demanded we all pay $75 extra for rush. I did. Total came to just under $300. As it turned out, one of the bridesmaids ignored all of her texts and calls, and didn’t get around to ordering the dress until recently. Even with rush shipping, her dress won’t arrive in time. My cousin’s fix was to tell the rest of us to buy new dresses from a new store that ships quickly.

How she went about it was…well, she group texted us instructions for the new dresses and then told us to call her “if there’s a problem.” That was it. She didn’t say anything about the dresses we had already bought. I called her to ask if she planned for us to wear both dresses (i.e., change outfits halfway through). She bit my head off, saying she couldn’t deal with questions, I just need to follow instructions and asking if I was that hard up for money. Her reaction was so mean and over the top that I held back as she spoke. I wanted to hear everything she had to say. We hung up with me calmly saying “I guess I’ll buy the second dress???” She said “Good” and hasn’t called me since.

Turns out the first store she chose offers only exchanges and they’ll keep half the cost of the dress. I kinda don’t want to be in the wedding anymore. I just feel bruised and insulted. If I had had to ask bridesmaids to get new dresses, I’d be so apologetic. I’d at least offer to cover the difference. Naturally, if she had offered to pay, I’d have turned down the money immediately. It’s not the ask or the money. It’s the how. Feelings matter.

Any advice on how to move forward here? Should I get over it? Maybe I should try to get her to fire me as MOH? I’d like us to keep in touch as family and see each other maybe annually. Zero pressure to attend her wedding because hardly anyone likes her. That makes me feel a little bad for her though.

If I decided to stay as her MOH, I would wear the first dress. But, then, I might test positive for Covid the day before the wedding and need to quarantine for ten days.

When I got married I did not have attendants dress alike. I had a closet full of hideous pastel bridesmaid dresses and I was not going to do this to my friends so I told them the color, royal blue, and gave them each $100 to put toward price of dress and wanted them to get a dress they could wear again. Shoes were black patent. My only request was that the dresses be in similar style. It worked out very well.

For what it’s worth I would much rather be just given a specific dress to purchase than have to go out and hunt around for one myself, much less coordinate with a group to ensure that it matches a similar style…and it’s unlikely that I would wear a royal blue dress again regardless.

This, a million times this! I was once in a wedding with a similar directive and it was so much harder. And I still never worse the dress again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

I am so with you, OP. I do not have the room in my brain to deal with people like your cousin or the PP. Life is hard enough without volunteering to spend time with a-holes.

You’re my kind of person. I think people like us are in the majority. We aren’t perfect, but we’re also not hunting for chances to bend others to our will or have a brawl. Especially coming out of a pandemic, I’m grateful for every day and want to focus on people who are good to me. (OP)

Really? Then why are you in this wedding?

That has been explained repeatedly in this thread.

No it hasn't. Op has wishy washy reasons. Frankly she is enjoying the train wreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

I am so with you, OP. I do not have the room in my brain to deal with people like your cousin or the PP. Life is hard enough without volunteering to spend time with a-holes.

You’re my kind of person. I think people like us are in the majority. We aren’t perfect, but we’re also not hunting for chances to bend others to our will or have a brawl. Especially coming out of a pandemic, I’m grateful for every day and want to focus on people who are good to me. (OP)

Really? Then why are you in this wedding?

That has been explained repeatedly in this thread.

No it hasn't. Op has wishy washy reasons. Frankly she is enjoying the train wreck.

It has been explained repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

I am so with you, OP. I do not have the room in my brain to deal with people like your cousin or the PP. Life is hard enough without volunteering to spend time with a-holes.

You’re my kind of person. I think people like us are in the majority. We aren’t perfect, but we’re also not hunting for chances to bend others to our will or have a brawl. Especially coming out of a pandemic, I’m grateful for every day and want to focus on people who are good to me. (OP)

Really? Then why are you in this wedding?

That has been explained repeatedly in this thread.

No it hasn't. Op has wishy washy reasons. Frankly she is enjoying the train wreck.

It has been explained repeatedly.

Let's keep going back and forth and make this post last 100 pages. Her reasons are contradictory. She wants to keep in touch with someone she has nothing but bad stuff to say about. Op is either a troll or loves the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

I am so with you, OP. I do not have the room in my brain to deal with people like your cousin or the PP. Life is hard enough without volunteering to spend time with a-holes.

You’re my kind of person. I think people like us are in the majority. We aren’t perfect, but we’re also not hunting for chances to bend others to our will or have a brawl. Especially coming out of a pandemic, I’m grateful for every day and want to focus on people who are good to me. (OP)

Really? Then why are you in this wedding?

That has been explained repeatedly in this thread.

No it hasn't. Op has wishy washy reasons. Frankly she is enjoying the train wreck.

It has been explained repeatedly.

Let's keep going back and forth and make this post last 100 pages. Her reasons are contradictory. She wants to keep in touch with someone she has nothing but bad stuff to say about. Op is either a troll or loves the drama.

The fact remains that the reasons were explained. You wouldn’t be able to disagree with the reasons and characterize them if they weren’t explained. Bye.